Mile-High Comedians

Flying can be scary. That's why flight attendants and pilots sometimes try to add a little levity (get it?) to the experience. Here are some actual airplane announcements that readers have sent us.


"As we prepare for takeoff, please make sure your tray tables and seat backs are fully upright in their least comfortable positions."

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only four ways off this airplane."

"Your seat cushions can be used for floatation, and in the event of  an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."

"To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don`t know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults acting like children."

"Any person caught smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately."

"We'd also like to remind you to turn off your cellular phones, computers, video games, or any other electronic device that may interfere with the captain's pacemaker."


"Mornin', folks. As we leave Dallas, it's warm and the sun is shining. Unfortunately, we're going to New York, where it is cold and rainy. Why in the world y'all wanna go there I really don't know."

"We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the business. Sadly, none of them are working this flight."

"Ladies and gentlemen, we have reached our cruising altitude of 30,000 feet, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land."

"Once again, I'm turning off the seat belt sign. I think I'll switch to autopilot, too, so I can come back there and visit with you for the rest of the flight."

"Folks, if you were with us last week, we never got around to mentioning that it was National Procrastination Day."

"The weather in San Francisco is 61 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive."


As the plane touched down and was coming to a stop, the pilot's voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. Whoa!"

"Sorry about that rough landing, folks. I'd just like to assure you that it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendants' fault. It was the asphalt!"

"We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

"Thank you for flying Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

"Thank you for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us."

"Last one off the plane has to clean it."

(Image generated at RedKid)

The article above is reprinted with permission from Uncle John's Curiously Compelling Bathroom Reader, a fantastic book by the Bathroom Readers' Institute. The 19th book in this fan-favorite series contain such gems like The Greatest Plane that Never Was, Forgotten Robot Milestones, Ancient Beauty Secrets, and more.

Since 1988, the Bathroom Reader Institute had published a series of popular books containing irresistible bits of trivia and obscure yet fascinating facts. If you like Neatorama, you'll love the Bathroom Reader Institute's books - go ahead and check 'em out!

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One of my favorites: "We would like to remind you that you can fly with us for free if you marry any of our flight attendants. My name is Frank, I like long walks on the beach, Harry Potter novels, and I will marry for money."
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