In 2009, A.J. Jacobs set out on a two-year quest for bodily perfection, chronicled in his book, Drop Dead Healthy. Now, as the healthiest person on the planet, he presents the ultimate plan for total body domination. Follow these nine steps and in just 17 days, you’ll be slimmer, stronger, and smarter than ever.*

Step 1: Gargle Sugar Water

Having trouble pushing yourself at the gym? As I tell my fitness disciples, a spoonful of sugar helps the exercise go down. In a 2009 study from the University of Birmingham, cyclists rinsed their mouths with sugar water for 10 seconds before spitting it out. The result? The garglers significantly improved their performances. The sugar spitters beat out two other groups—cyclists who had downed the sugar water, and cyclists who had rinsed their mouths with water laced with saccharine. Here’s why it works. When the tongue senses the sugar it sends a message to the brain: “Energy boost on the way.” That tricks the body into expending more energy, but without the weight of the water to slow it down.

If you’re uncomfortable with the stares you’ll get from spitting on the gym floor, you can embrace a more bitter alternative. I like to take a few sips of coffee before every workout. Studies have shown that a small amount of pre-workout caffeine improves endurance, partly by slowing down the burning of glycogen, the body’s energy reserves. One thing to note: With coffee, you actually have to swallow.

Step 2: Stop Stretching

The idea that stretching warms you up and prevents injury is, frankly, a bit of a stretch. I haven’t stretched in more than a year, not counting the frequent yawns during the Terrence Malick movies my wife makes me see.

That’s because there’s scant scientific evidence supporting “static stretching”—the kind where you touch your toes and hold for 30 seconds. In fact, recent studies show that static stretching hurts performance, making runners and cyclists slower. Stretching triggers a protective response that tightens the muscles to stop them from overflexing.

If you are going to warm up, most exercise scientists recommend “dynamic stretching,” such as doing lunges, jogging backward, or lifting your knees above your waist while running. Or else you can take Jack LaLanne’s advice and skip warming up altogether. As the late health guru told Outside magazine, “Warming up is the biggest bunch of horsesh*t I’ve ever heard in my life. Fifteen minutes to warm up! Does a lion warm up when he’s hungry? ‘Uh-oh, here comes an antelope. Better warm up.’ No! He just goes out and eats the sucker.”

Step 3: Take Long Walks at Work

So far, this article has taken me 1.5 miles to write, because I’m typing these words while I stride on my treadmill desk. (That sentence alone was good for 14 steps.)

The treadmill desk—which is simply a laptop perched on top of a treadmill—was invented by a Mayo Clinic cardiologist concerned about Americans’ sedentary lifestyle. With good reason. Sitting is as bad for you as a Paula Deen glazed-doughnut bacon burger. It puts us at risk for diabetes, obesity, some types of cancer, and, of course, heart disease. One University of South Carolina study found that big sitters (more than 23 hours a week) had a 64 percent higher chance of fatal heart disease than infrequent sitters (fewer than 11 hours a week).

About 50 million Americans hit the treadmills every year, though the number who use them as workstations is unknown. What we do know: There’s at least one celebrity tread-desker—NBC’s formerly rotund Al Roker. You can now buy professionally-made tread desks for $1,000; enthusiasts have nicknamed them the iPlod.

Step 4: Skip the Heavy Lifting

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Can you support your weight with your fingers? How about your weight from a drop with just your fingers? Finnish athlete Miska Sutela is training to compete in Sasuke, which is known in the U.S. as  American Ninja Warrior. Each individual piece of the stunts involved takes strength, complete concentration, and lots of practice. Now, that’s dedication! Sutela will compete with Team Europe in the event “American Ninja Warrior: USA vs. The World” on Monday September 15. -via Daily Picks and Flicks

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Completely oblivious to the security camera pointed right at them, a group of men in a small car take the opportunity to swipe a cow. Yeah, I said “group” of men. There’s even one in the back seat, which I’m sure was a pleasant experience during the getaway trip. The question remains: Is it still called “cattle rustling” when it’s just one cow? -via Dark Roasted Blend

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Mount Tavurvur in Papua New Guinea is quite an active volcano. In 1937, an eruption killed 507 people. Another in 1994 flattened a nearby town. In 2006, it erupted again. The latest eruption was on August 29th, and Phil McNamara captured it on video from a boat. Note the delay between the visual eruption and the shock wave, which tells us the camera operator is rather far from the eruption. That’s good to know. -via Viral Viral Videos

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Little human children aren't the only ones who love to cuddle with a favorite stuffed toy for security when they sleep. Mu, one of 9 Cats, loves her pink rabbit doll. Maybe it reminds her of the kittens she hugged before they grew up. The 9 Cats (previously at Neatorama) are May, Maru, Mu, Mi-ke, Musashi, Michelle, Lulu, Kajiro, and Taro. This one is Mu, usually spelled μ. There are plenty of videos of the cats, and even some with all nine at once. -via Laughing Squid

The Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission posted some pictures of a shrimp that were sent in.

Steve Bargeron was fishing from a dock in Fort Pierce as he watched a fellow fisherman pull this creature out of the water. Steve said the massive thing was about 18 inches long and striking its own tail, so he grabbed it by its back like a lobster. Scientists think it may be some type of mantis shrimp.

That’s a large shrimp! What do you do with that sort of thing?

There are more pictures at the Facebook post. -via Deadspin

(Image credit: Steve Bargeron)

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Simon’s Cat chases a spider into the laundry room, which is the most wonderful place for a cat …to cause havoc. All these clothes! Some clean, some dirty! What a great place to nap! But of course, this is Simon’s Cat, so things pretty soon go out of control.

This reminds me of one of my cats (Marshmallow) who likes to sleep atop the stacked washer-dryer. She’s found out that if she sits up there and plays with the light chain long enough, the light will come on. But if she tries to swing on it, everything on the shelves will crash to the floor. Does she care? No. Do I? Yes.  -via Laughing Squid 

Disney calls its theme park workers “cast members” instead of employees. Silicon Valley startups sometimes have bizarre titles on their business cards. IBM has “Data Detective” as a job title. Do these imaginative titles have any value? They can possibly raise morale. Management scholar Adam Grant of Wharton led a study of employees at the Make-A-Wish Foundation. The people at the organization do outstanding things with stressful and depressing situations. A few years ago, they decided to let employees choose their own job titles, and now they have everything from the Fairy Godmother of Wishes to Magic Messengers. Grant wanted to find out if this raised morale.  

The results were surprisingly strong, and overwhelmingly positive. About 85% of the interviewed employees said the new title helped them cope with the emotional exhaustion of the job; many brought it up unprompted. One wish manager told Grant and collaborators that the self-applied description helped her focus on the joy of her job instead of the hardship. "Staff may have a hard time doing this if they didn't have these titles," she said.

Why did such a small change make such a big difference? The researchers believe the new job titles provided self-verification, psychological safety, and external rapport. In less technical terms, the job titles helped workers express their own identity and personality, and put them at ease when interacting with others. The more that being yourself is part of your job description, the less reason you have to fake it even on the hardest days at the office.

Whether the results can be extrapolated to other companies depends on many factors. Some businesses hand out titles to make up for lack of respect or pay. I worked one place where half the staff was a director of something or other, while the owners referred to everyone as “the help” out of earshot. That’s not the case at Neatorama. If I were to choose my own title, it would be Queen Mother. Read more about the research at Fast Company. -via Boing Boing

(Original image credit: Flickr user Paul Hebert)

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Dr. Brian Druker is the director of the Knight Cancer Institute. Gert Boyle is a 90-year-old businesswoman who donated $100 million anonymously to the Oregon Health & Science University to fight cancer. Druker called to warn Boyle that the Williamette Week newspaper was about to blow her anonymous cover. Boyle took it in stride, and she and Druker decided to make a video just ahead of the news story.

If OHSU raises $500 million, that amount will be matched by Nike Chairman Phil Knight and his wife Penny, for a total of a billion dollars.

Boyle looks mighty good for 90. A good heart probably helps. -via Fark

Brandy Allen’s mugshot may be in itself incriminating, as the Fayetteville, Arkansas, woman is accused of shoplifting $144 worth of makeup.

When Allen was confronted after stuffing the makeup into her bag, she unleashed a slew of profanity while attempting to damage the eyeshadow as she pulled it from her purse, so it’d seem the products were used, police said.

The incident occurred on Monday. By Wednesday, police said that Allen was released on bond. You have to wonder what color she’ll be wearing to her next court hearing.

(Image credit: Washington County Sheriff's Office)

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The new IKEA catalogue is unique in it’s own way. It’s not an ebook, it’s not an online book: it’s a bookbook! It comes pre-installed with thousands of furniture listings. Here’s a little video to show you all its features and how to use it. -via Daily of the Day

From getting hitched to saving the environment, here's proof you can still be a busybody long after you kick the bucket.

1. Get Married

Death is no obstacle when it comes to love in China. That's because ghost marriage—the practice of setting up deceased relatives with suitable spouses, dead or alive—is still an option. Ghost marriage first appeared in Chinese legends 2,000 years ago, and it's been a staple of the culture ever since. At times, it was a way for spinsters to gain social acceptance after death. At other times, the ceremony honored dead sons by giving them living brides. In both cases, the marriages served a religious function by making the deceased happier in the afterlife.

While the practice of matchmaking for the dead waned during China's Cultural Revolution in the late 1960s, officials report that ghost marriages are back on the rise. Today, the goal is often to give a deceased bachelor a wife—preferably one who has recently been laid to rest. But in a nation where men outnumber women in death as well as in life, the shortage of corpse brides has led to murder. In 2007, there were two widely reported cases of rural men killing prostitutes, housekeepers, and mentally ill women in order to sell their bodies as ghost wives. Worse, these crimes pay. According to The Washington Post and The London Times, one undertaker buys women's bodies for more than $2,000 and sells them to prospective "in-laws" for nearly $5,000.

2. Unwind with a Few Friends

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Today, most of us think of mummies as rare and valuable artifacts, but to the ancient Egyptians, they were as common as iPhones. So, where have all those mummies gone? Basically, they've been used up. Europeans and Middle Easterners spent centuries raiding ancient Egyptian tombs and turning the bandaged bodies into cheap commodities. For instance, mummy-based panaceas were once popular as quack medicine. In the 16th century, French King Francis I took a daily pinch of mummy to build strength, sort of like a particularly offensive multivitamin. Other mummies, mainly those of animals, became kindling in homes and steam engines. Meanwhile, human mummies frequently fell victim to Victorian social events. During the late 19th century, it was popular for wealthy families to host mummy-unwrapping parties, where the desecration of the dead was followed by cocktails and hors d'oeuvres.

3. Tour the Globe as a Scandalous Work of Art

A few months ago, we told you about the largest dinosaur fossils ever found, discovered in La Flecha, Patagonia, Argentina. The bones unearthed have proved to be a treasure, comprising two dinos, the larger one with 115 bones and a tooth -a much more complete set of bones than most fossil finds.

Today an international team of paleontologists unveiled the newest Mesozoic badass: Dreadnoughtus schrani. Weighing in at an astonishing 65 tons, standing two stories high at the shoulder, and measuring 85 feet long, this titan is the heaviest dinosaur we've ever (accurately) measured. And its discovery represents the most fossil mass ever found for a single organism—a paleontologist's dream.

"For the [largest] dinosaurs, which we call titanosaurs, finding anything around 20 percent of the fossil is usually considered a home run," says Kenneth Lacovara, the lead Drexel University paleontologist behind the find. "Normally you only find a handful of bones, and the previous record was a 27 percent complete skeleton. With Dreadnoughtus we found 70 percent."   

Scientists studying the huge reconstructed Dreadnoughtus say it lived 77 million years ago, and was still growing when it died! Read more about the fossil reconstruction at Popular Mechanics. -via reddit

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It’s bad enough when you open a door and see a spider. How much worse is it when you open a door at night and a three-foot-long hairy spider rushes at you? Relax, this is a dog in a really nice tarantula costume. Doesn’t make a bit of difference to strangers who are pranked by seeing him emerge in the dark. This prank was pulled off by SA Wardęga. The fact that most of the prankees have their faces blurred tells me they have yet to forgive him. -via BroBible

If you recall Lord Tennyson’s poem "The Lady of Shalott,” you know that it’s about a woman who is confined to a tower, and if she dares to look out the window, she will die from a curse. She only sees the real world reflected in a mirror, until Sir Lancelot wanders by. Kate Beaton at Hark! A Vagrant reimagines that story in a more realistic way. It’s a little gross, but altogether too funny not to share. Read the whole story here.