It's Freddy Krueger's baby rattle...

Iron Avenger - Chemical Avengers Ladies Fit M Cardinal Red

A mechanical aspergillum that allows really lazy priests to fling holy water without those taxing arm movements. Some have also used it to slap communion wafers onto tongues. And if they're willing to rotate a hand slightly, it can even make the sign of the cross.

abducted cow,xl,royal

This is an automated zen garden rake for when you're too busy meditating.

abducted cow,xl,royal

It is a tricycle... a non-functional one at that.

It's missing a part.

Neatorama Metal, L, Black--METAAAAAAAAAL-orama

Pfft. Obvious bimodal distribution. If the data were divided into three groups (zero astronomers, one astronomer, multiple astronomers) the correlation would be much more significant. In short, one astronomer does not help a movie that much. There must be more than one.

Easy. It's the hubcap off a 1066 Cadillac Deville, complete with curbfeelers.

Ladies M, "He fishes, therefore I Shop" in black

It's a Witchblade. A Chosen One must wield it in the cause of justice for any of it's multiple functions to manifest. It's useless for cutting in line when you're bored, but totally rocks when some jerk won't take no for an answer and you really, truly don't want to have to sign for that package when you didn't even order anything.

It's a 14th century armored sundial wristwatch. The two prongs coming out of the glove are for daylight savings time.

Maybe a steampunk snail?
"Exterminate Me", Mens XL, Navy

Quite a large rice cake, assumedly for very hungry, frustrated dieters.

Wizard of Oz, the short version , large

It's the first rock album, predating Bill Haley by 3000 thousand years or so. Fun fact: notice the grooves, they're showing a 3/4 time signature, indicating that rock and waltz might have a common ancestor. The center hole also suggests it was meant to play at 45 rpms.

Its the first version of the modern fingernail clipper. It worked but needed lots of adjustments, but it cut all your fingernails at once. The toenail clipper design never worked well though.

T shirt Blue XL 'Remember little zombies, no running'

It's a stereo paint knife, for painting happy trees in 3-D !

Young Schrodinger
Large