Every year, generally around the first of April, products are introduced that get our hopes up then dash them against the sidewalk like a soda bottle, as the pranksters tell us we were fools to believe such a product could exist. But we live in a world full of clear toasters, bubblegum flavored toothpaste and pajama jeans, so why wouldn’t we believe in the power of new products?
These nine products could have changed our lives, but instead they’re just something we wish actually existed.
1. Accordion Hero-
The accordion has fallen out of favor with the young folk, except those rare kiddie polka fans and merchant marines under ten, but Accordion Hero could have brought the squeeze box back to the front of the stage where it belongs. Sadly, it was nothing but a cruel joke played on those of us who enjoy that unique accordion sound, but one guy did manage to create some semblance of the game with a toy accordion, so that's something:
2. The SlipQuit-
Quitting your job isn't as cool as it looks in movies and TV shows- you just announce you’re leaving then walk out, no dramatic monologue, just the act of quitting and the workplace left behind.
But that was all about to change thanks to the SlipQuit, the strap-on inflatable slide pack that was supposed to make quitting fun! Imagine quitting by yelling “adios mofos!” then jumping out a second story window onto a SlipQuit, sliding into the parking lot, and the annals of workplace history, like a real boss.
3. Animatronic Admiral Ackbar-
Big Mouth Billy Bass showed us that a talking animatronic fish can be fun, at least for a few minutes at a time, but imagine all the fun you could have hanging out with a Star Wars Admiral Ackbar Singing Bass talking about all those darn traps!
ThinkGeek teased us with this geeky piece of home decor a few years ago, and despite an outpouring of Star Wars fan love we're still stuck with tired old Billy...use the force to make it so, ThinkGeek!
4. Chicken Wing Ice Cream-
Aren’t you tired of eating foods that are just one thing? Sick of "the man" telling you when it's okay to eat? Don’t you want to break with tradition and start eating dessert all day long? Then you're like me- someone who desperately needs some Perry's Chicken Wing Ice Cream in their lives.
Too bad we're stuck dreaming of what it would be like to use Sriracha, or barbecue sauce, to make the ultimate ice cream sundae...
Is driving an expensive car while wearing expensive clothes and pricey jewelry not enough of a show of wealth for you? Then you need to make sure your kid is strolling in style with this BMW Stroller, the ultimate show of infantile decadence.
It’s a great way to show your fellow parents at the park how much more money you make than them each year, and helps us regular folks identify the snobby family we should steer clear of, all for around the cost of your average mid-sized sedan!
6. REI Adventure Kitten Gear-
The days of leaving your kitten behind while you go on an epic outdoor adventure are over thanks to REI's Adventure Kitten Gear line, which will make them into quite the rugged outdoorscat. The set is rugged, stylish and just the thing your cat needs to be properly outfitted for an outdoor adventure. However, Kitten Gear is not responsible for gear lost while the kitten chases after small woodland creatures...
7. Ab Enhancer-
Abs are totally six packable, but keeping your guts perfectly formed can take a lot of time, and money, so why can't we strap on an Ab Enhancer and mash our guts into an appealing form without all that hard work?! We'd have more time for lounging, snacking and napping, and cancelling our gym memberships will save us a ton of money! The Ab Enhancer wouldn't have just changed our appearances- it would have changed our lives...
8. HUNDSTOL Doggie Highchair-
Chances are your dog is always hanging around the table during dinner time, begging from the floor like some linoleum licking ruffian, so why not invite him up to join the family? The HUNDSTOL Dog highchair would have finally made man's best friend truly feel like one of the family, and just think of all the canine anecdotes they could have interjected during dinner!
9. HTC GLUUV-
Leave it to those farsighted futurists at HTC to bring the overrated magic of the NES PowerGlove into the 21st century by tying in your smartphone and wrapping the whole thing up in a delightfully retro wearable package. The HTC GLUUV looks like Michael Jackson's version of a Pip-Boy, and promises to bring powerful features like boom box bass boost, fist bump selfies, and holographic video conferencing technology to our fashionable futures. Too bad it's all one big fakeout, my right hand's kinda cold...
Hopefully the makers of stuff will take pity on us poor consumers and bring these amazing products to life, for as long as companies keep showing us stuff we can't actually buy we're gonna have product shaped holes in our hearts!