Dear Sirs and Sirettes,

Americans for a Better Tomorrow, Tomorrow (ABTT) would like it entered into the record that as of January 30th, 2012, the sum total of our donations was $1,023,121.24.

Stephen Colbert, President of ABTT, has asked that I quote him as saying, ”Yeah! How you like me now, F.E.C? I’m rolling seven digits deep! I got 99 problems but a non-connected independent-expenditure only committee ain’t one!”

I would like it noted for the record that I advised Mr. Colbert against including that quote. Sincerely,
Shauna Polk Treasurer Americans for a Better Tomorrow, Tomorrow, Inc.

Read more details at the New York Times. Link

This is what advertising would look like if we lived in the fantasy worlds we enjoy vicariously through video games. Products would be marketed towards adventurers and heroes, and the magical would be mundane as ad agencies try to increase sales.

My faves are the ads for hair care products featuring Final Fantasy characters and anime girls with rainbow colored hair. I guess they weren’t born with pink hair?!

Link

According to this hilarious Lady Gaga paper doll the pop star has been moonlighting as Voltron, Defender of the Universe! The meat dress, the spaghetti wig, it’s no wonder she’s such a fashion icon-she wears all the food that models aren’t allowed to eat.

Link –via ComicsAlliance

First it was the Arab Spring, then came revolution in the fast food empire with the latest casualty of the monarchy Burger King (the creepy King is dead, long live the creepy King).

The Smew (yes, like The Onion) reports:

Continued peaceful protests by Moncton youth and menu higher-ups alike—including Whopper Jr., long considered the heir apparent to the burger throne, and Tendercrisp Chicken, an advisor revered for his ability to see seemingly contradictory sides of any question at the same time—have led the Mountain Road Burger Monarchy to abdicate the throne, leaving the way open for the creation of a Burger Democratic Republic.

“We’ve spent hours—days, even—demanding our rights to equal burger representation, to a flat-top that expresses the needs of the people, whether they be stoned teenagers or fat, sad divorcés,” said Brad Wilkinson, 16, one of the leaders of the rebel movement. “No more will we live under the benevolent tyranny of, ‘Have it your way.’ Today, all our hard work has finally paid off.”

Link - via digg

Mark Twain was a ramblin’ man, and was so intent on living life to the fullest that he was brought back from the dead and lived another hundred years, according to Michael Kupperman, who selflessly agreed to illustrate Twain’s autobiography so that folks who can ‘t read all the words can stare at the pretty pictures. Click the link and find out a bit more of what Twain got up to after his first death!

Link

(YouTube Link)

What happens when a scrawny white guy is cast to play the role of Luke Cage, aka Power Man, in the movie adaptation of the comic book? Well, let’s just say that the results are less than spectacular.

-via ComicsAlliance

Neatorama presents a guest post from actor, comedian, and voiceover artist Eddie Deezen. Visit Eddie at his website.

Georgie Porgie, pudding and pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play,
Georgie Porgie ran away.

Most of us heard this little nursery rhyme when we were kids. Of course, Georgie Porgie, nowadays, would undoubtedly be sued in a class-action for sexual harassment by the ACLU.

But who was the real “Georgie Porgie”? There are two possible historical candidates.

George Villiers

One was George Villiers (1592-1628), the handsome son of an insignificant nobleman who soon climbed his way into great favor with King James I. Rumor has it that he and the king were more than just good friends. This would certainly explain why, within two years, Villiers was made an Earl and then a Marquess. Five years later, at just 31 years old, George became the first Duke of Buckingham.

The nursery rhyme is said to ridicule both King James I and George Villiers over their open romantic interest in each other. In fact, the king even proclaimed openly that “You may be sure that I love the Duke of Buckingham more than I love anyone else and I wish not to have that thought to be a defect.”

It is now believed by historians studying court diaries and correspondence that the pair were, indeed, lovers. But George Villiers liked to go both ways and also had many affairs with many young ladies of the court, as well as the wives and daughters of powerful Englishmen. This caused resentment all around, but his relationship with the king gave him a certain amount of immunity. It has also been said that he forced his affections on other unwilling ladies of privileged position (“Georgie Porgie… kissed the girls and made them cry”) while managing to avoid confrontation or retaliation (“When the boys came out to play, Georgie Porgie ran away”).

The other candidate for “Georgie Porgie” is the Prince Regent (later King) George IV (1762-1830), the hapless son (said to have “half a brain”) of mad King George III.

King George IV

Immensely fat (“Georgie Porgie, pudding and pie”), his corset wearing was a constant source of ridicule and satirical cartoons. By 1797, his weight had reached 245 pounds, and by 1824, his corsets were being made for a waist of fifty inches. This George was unequivocally straight, but he took advantage of his position much like George Villiers had done. He had a roving eye for the ladies; attractive female visitors who came to parties he gave were often advised not to be left alone with him. His checkered love life included several mistresses, illegitimate children, and even bigamy.

George IV had an “official wife,” Caroline of Brunswick, who he detested so much he even banned her from his coronation, and an “unofficial” wife, Maria Anne Fitzherbert. She was both a Catholic and a commoner, so their marriage was not formally recognized and remained a secret. He managed to make both women miserable, as well as many other women he forced himself on (“Kissed the girls and made them cry”).

In addition to his crude, uncouth love life, George loved watching prizefighting (bare-knuckle boxing), which at the time was illegal. His own physical and emotional cowardice was legendary. This is illustrated by a story of the most infamous prizefight of the day, where one contestant died from his injuries.

George was known to have been present at the fight, but when the man died, he ran away, terrified of being implicated in the fallout, and attempted to conceal his presence at the match. (“When the boys came out to play, Georgie Porgie ran away”).

(Video Link)

In honor of the newly released Smurfs movie, which I helped convert to 3d along with many other fine people at Legend 3d, I would like to share with you this informational video on ways to serve Smurfs-for dinner! Watch as embittered little blue guys come to terms with their fate at the hands of a sadistic looking chef, who enjoys his job just a little too much. It’s smurferifically smurfistic!

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The Netflix rate hike is “literally the worst thing that has ever happened to white people.” Jason Alexander at Funny or Die hopes to raise money to fight this disaster. -via Laughing Squid

The Onion always has some great satire, but this radio piece on the banks trying to charge $.75 every time a customer says the word “bank.” I’m glad I use a credit union or else this article would cost me.

Link Via Consumerist

In his acceptance speech he tried to calm the fears of the other 65.3 percent. “No one has to be afraid of the Best Party,” he said, “because it is the best party. If it wasn’t, it would be called the Worst Party or the Bad Party. We would never work with a party like that.”

With his party having won 6 of the City Council’s 15 seats, Mr. Gnarr needed a coalition partner, but ruled out any party whose members had not seen all five seasons of “The Wire.”

Gnarr attributes the win to voters protesting the established parties. Link -via reddit

(Image credit: Hordur Sveinsson)

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours. Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded.

Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much dough on half baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive role model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children: John Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart. The funeral was held at 350 for about 20 minutes.

Thanks Jen and Tiffy! And yes, this is an oldie but it’s still a goodie Does anyone know the origin of this little story?

You can get a better look of the cases by visiting the artist’s website. The site’s in French, so if you speak the language you’re in luck. But if you’re like me and speak only two languages – English and bad English – there are plenty of pretty-shiny designs and pictures to look at.

Link

From the Upcoming ueue, submitted by whitespace.

Well, actually make that a fake real book. It’s a made up, satirical how-to book by Steve and Evie Levy, who wrote:

Are the end times near? Is the Rapture really just around the corner? Could Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson possibly be right? About 1 billion people among us believe, yes, absolutely.

And that means one thing: investment opportunities!

For those who are not as expertly versed in the Book of Revelation, Ellis Weiner and Barbara Davilman, authors of the bestselling Yiddish with Dick and Jane, helpfully offer both illumination and advice: What exactly is the Rapture, anyway? How is it different from the Tribulation? Who are the Antichrist, the Four Horsemen, and the 144,000 male virgins, and what do they want? And, most important, how can I make money during the 7 years of societal breakdown before Armaggedon?

Taking the familiar form of a how-to investment guide, HOW TO PROFIT FROM THE COMING RAPTURE instructs those readers who will certainly be left behind (Jews, Catholics, Muslims, Buddhists, Hindus, less ardent Protestants, and many more) on how to exploit the inevitable demise of the world in order to make a tidy profit. Sure, the rivers and seas will run with blood, locusts will swarm, mountains will move all over the place, and famine will strike. But for the five billion of us left behind, the post-Rapture world will be a time of even more unique investment opportunities.

Link – via Information Junk