Just jogged 4 miles. Just kidding, I'm eating sausage.

— Denise (@StellaRtwot) May 6, 2011

During the day, my wife complains that I'm not on her side. But in the middle of the night, I'm too far on her side. Which is it?!

— David K. Israel (@Resila) October 31, 2012

Remember everyone who died so you could have that "I Voted" sticker. (Someone should really make that manufacturing process safer.)

— Ethan Trex (@ethantrex) November 6, 2012

CALM DOWN GAS TANK WE'RE ALL EMPTY INSIDE

— lauren ashley bishop (@sbellelauren) April 29, 2011

If men could get pregnant, there would be an abortion clinic inside of every Starbucks.

— kelly oxford (@kellyoxford) October 26, 2012

Discovered recently while having sex, that calling each play-by-play action in a Howard Cosell voice is NOT adorable.

— Erin (@PortlandiaGirl) October 23, 2012

I went on the treadmill for 30 minutes today. Tomorrow I will turn it on.

— Dean (@daplusk) August 18, 2012

Dear Fate, When I ask, "How can this day get any worse?" it's a rhetorical question. Not a challenge.

— Shari Vanderwerf (@shariv67) August 21, 2012

Oi, shower curtain - nobody likes you, we just tolerate you. Stop going in for a hug.

— Jennifer Noelle (@Jenwastar) June 16, 2012

We're all just chasing a 100% battery charge.

— Kiley (@Freya80) February 15, 2012

Pick a major?? Find a man?? Have a career?? I haven't even settled on an app to access Twitter yet..so let's just slow it down people

— SlayerSays (@SlayerSays) April 22, 2012

I miss having health insurance. RT @kimkardashian I miss Milan!

— Mary Charlene (@IamEnidColeslaw) January 12, 2012

~Original illustration by: @Pants~

Saw a group of ants carrying a Funyun and it made me wish my friends and I had a giant Funyun.

— MJ (@sucittaM) June 21, 2012

You've really got to hand it to short people. Because they often can't reach it.

— rob delaney (@robdelaney) December 7, 2010

The exciting thing about flying to America without enough underwear is guessing, will you buy underwear there, or end up naked and homeless?

— Julian Gough (@juliangough) March 2, 2011