Robert De Niro addresses a stuffed owl in his passenger seat: "You talkin' to me?" The owl says nothing. - Taxidermy Driver (1976)

— Brother Berg (@bergified) November 16, 2012

TV show idea: Gary Busey slowly eating a pencil.

— Lisa Bizzle (@Lisa_Bizzle) October 24, 2012

wish they made a lint roller for bad decisions.

— brent (@iwearpajamas) December 17, 2012

Even if women came with directions, you still wouldn't read them.

— Chrisanna4real (@chrisanna4real) April 18, 2012

This Christmas, I'm giving out legs as stocking stuffers.

— Steve Mieczkowski (@IGotsSmarts) December 10, 2012

I want to get drunk. Like "speaking in cursive" drunk.

— Pauly Casillas (@PaulyPeligroso) March 12, 2012

Why isn't there Snapfat? You eat whatever you want and after 10 seconds - it didn't happen.

— andy lassner (@andylassner) December 3, 2012

There is no graceful way to stop giving someone the Heimlich when it turns out they didn't need the Heimlich.

— Tim Siedell (@badbanana) October 18, 2012

My mouth is less a mouth & more a pizza garage.

— sammy rhodes (@prodigalsam) November 25, 2012

~Original illustration by: @Pants~

 

do you think any old west guys ever made a poop and then shot the poop with a gun

— jon hendren (@fart) March 15, 2012

~Illustrated by: Margo Murphy~

~Original illustration by: Wobbly Goggy~

Don't forget to stop and Instagram the roses.

— Josh Hara (@yoyoha) November 14, 2012

Alls I'm saying is even if you eat the entire 1lb bag of Milk Duds, the ABSOLUTE MOST you can gain is 1lb. That's just fucking math.

— Miah St. Cyr (@MiahSaint) November 11, 2012

Lately my workout mainly consists of exercising poor judgment. — Laughing Lesbian (@LaughingLesbian) February 10, 2012

Are white guys in California under 30 even making an effort to not all look alike?

— Travon Free (@Travon) October 20, 2012