I'm never going to find the man of my dreams with all the insomnia IÂ have. @1surlygurl
~Illustration by:Â Pete Hillstrom~
Team Twaggies's Blog Posts
I need to marry someone who understands that I'll be live tweeting the wedding. @HerMaeness
~Illustration by:Â Kaz Foxsen~
I'm going to make some girl Really happy one day until I stop liking her and start phasing her out in a passive aggressive manner. @senderblock23
If a macaque gets dismembered, I guess you'd call it rhesus pieces. -Â @SethMacFarlane
~Illustration by:Â Sam Spratt~
Can anyone recommend a good search engine? If not no worries I'll just Google it @elibraden
Web MD is like a Choose Your Own Adventure book where the ending is always cancer. - @kellyoxford
~Illustration by: Xenia Latii~
I just strangled a mime with a cordless phone. @Jason_maybe
~Illustration by:Â Pete Hillstrom~
If your only tool is a guillotine, every problem looks like a French aristocrat. -Â @missingblakes
Sitting in my car in St. Paul. Waiting for a call from a planetary scientist. This is how most people spend their Fridays, right? - @maggiekb1
~Illustration by:Â Pete Hillstrom~
I'm still trying to figure out what the hell Bill Gates was thinking when he gave Microsoft the same name as his penis.- @inmynewskin
~Illustration by: Alex Salsberg~
"BZZZZzzzzzzzZZZZZzzzzzzz" - narcoleptic bee - @sween
~Illustration by: Sam Spratt~
Guess what? Licking envelopes and eating Oreos must be done in a certain order. -Â @wwwesty
"You know how you like to eat maybe 3 apples a week? Here's 50." - fruit baskets  -  @juliussharpe
~Illustration by: Sam Spratt~
The inventor of the doorbell did not own a chihuahua. - @rodney_at_large
~Illustration by:Â Kaz Foxsen~
I'd attend church a lot more if, instead of a tiny cracker, the body of Christ were a tiny quesadilla. - @DamienFahey
~Illustration by: Grant Rich~
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