~Illustration by:Â Sam Dakota~
I have to assume the last person who used the pen at the bank just spent the day giving homeless people gloveless pelvic exams. @SquirreljusticeTeam Twaggies's Blog Posts
~Illustration by: Sam Dakota~
When I see a toddler wearing glasses, I automatically assume they can solve a long division problem faster than me. -Â Â @hairicaaaPeople who sodomize donkeys are fucking assholes. -Â @haurdCider
~Illustration by: Jamie “The Boogieman†Bougher~
~Illustration by:Â Emily Niland~
Gotta say, Huz's sexy when he's screaming like a lunatic for me to stop tweeting and help in the garden. He's also a raging delusionist. - @tackie_jackie
They just opened an inconvenience store all the way on the other side of town. -Â @theNuzzy
Got pulled over today and cop said "papers"
So I said scissors
I WIN!!
@globetrottgirl
~Illustration by:Â Greg Smith~
"Not in my backyard!" Wait--was someone trying to be gay in your backyard?? -Â @SarahKSilverman
~Illustration by:Â Kevin Coffee~
It's a very happy flight when every part of the person next to you fits in their seat. -Â @falarina
Sometimes I wonder why I'm still single. Then I look down and see that I'm wearing socks and sandals and suddenly everything makes sense -Â @OneLinersPlus
 ~Illustration by: Kaz Foxsen~
I'd kill for her body. Would I eat healthy and work out every day for it? No. But I'd kill for it. @meganshpettit~Illustration by: Fernando Chan~ Â
I told my husband that my g-spot misses him... just like he always misses my g-spot. Â - @slyoung5~Illustration by:Â Kevin Coffee~
I never go to strip clubs. If I want to see a girl who won't have sex with me and is just there for the money, I'll stay home with the wife.- @nirvana68
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