R2-D2's grandfather pulls this out of his pocket every time he says "*squeak, *chirp... that's a paddlin'!"
PandaLion S

It's a Russian Missing-Sock Detector.
Why So Grumpy? S

Granddad had one of these hanging in his tool-shed. He said it was the only tool known to man that could actually scratch Grandma's Christmas cake!
A Day Without Sunshine XL

This is a Victorian Pecker Perch, designed to assist a gentleman to point Percy at the Porcelain without having to physically touch his John Thomas and thereby avoid "improper thoughts." The Pecker Perch was equally useful for both left and right handed gentlemen and was a "one size fits all" approach since it was always very cold in Victorian England.

Neatorama Metal XL

There's nothing wrong with self-gifting, but if you then wrap it up carefully, leave it somewhere for yourself to find and then feign surprise when you open it.... that's just a little sad!

It's a whiffle-club, prescribed for use in Sun Tzu's "The Art of Not Taking War TOO Seriously"
Neatorama Metal XL

I think she just made the best of a bad situation: baby sick, child-care won't take care of it, first day of class... I think CANCELING the class would have been unprofessional!

This is the cross-bar on a VERY large mousetrap!

"Request Denied" T-shirt

Play recordings of speeches from Congress.... all the hot air will melt the snow in no time! As an added bonus, you become famous for making Congress actually useful for something!

If our entire universe is like the hologram on a credit card, we all better hope the card-owner maintains an excellent credit rating!