Long before doctors were able to use the machine that goes "Ping", they had to make do with this... the machine that goes "Kathunk"
Keep Calm & Eat Bacon XL

Vlad Tepes' favorite prank-toy... the Whoopie-Cushion!
Keep Calm and Eat Bacon XL

Granddad had one of these hanging in his tool-shed. He said it was the only tool known to man that could actually scratch Grandma's Christmas cake!
A Day Without Sunshine XL

You have to admit, Billy-Joe Jim-Bob's "Redneck Army Barbecue Tool" is really a work of art!
Keep Calm & Eat Bacon XL

While everyone knows George Washington had wooden false teeth, very few know that this machine was the one he used to actually make them. Teeth could be stamped out in varying sizes ranging from "Polite conversation and cucumber sandwiches" (on the left) to "Gonna have me a 7lb Bison steak" (around the middle) to his political battle-teeth "Let's play a game called "Bite Me"... I'll start!" (on the right). By mixing up a set of completely mis-matched teeth, he was also able to confuse the hell out of the British by shouting out random Austin Powers quotes during battle.

Office Guy Shirt & Tie XL

It's the crayon set used for the illustrated version of "50 Shades of Gray"

I Survived the Mayan Apocalypse XL

Apple accidentally patents the art of patent-trolling, creating a whirlwind of patent-trolls suing patent trolls. This rapidly builds into a worldwide litigation hurricane which eventually destroys every legal practice on the planet except for a little bespectacled lawyer named Edwin who specializes only in litigation involving embroidery. Gadget prices plummet, geeks celebrate and the world economy makes a remarkable recovery

Micro-Max 19-in-1

It's a plough. Back in the days before they were emancipated by humans, hamsters were secretly captured and sold into slavery by cat cartels and forced to plough fields of catnip for the underground market. The biggest of these cartels, the Imonna-sofa Cartel, was at one time operating over 10,000 hamster slaves, all toiling away at secret catnip plantations. This cartel dominated most of the illegal catnip market until its leader, Nyan Pusscobar, fell from grace in the now-infamous Rocking Chair Incident. After his tail was permanently bruised and deformed into a wavy rainbow he gave up the business and became a recluse. Today, his spirit is revered and memorialized on the Intercats and old-time catnip pushers still "defend their territory" in the hope of a return to the olden-days.

I Survived the Mayan Apocalypse XL

A brown and white Bakelite thing
Is an office-guy's favorite bling
It's for fooling around
making cute Star Trek sounds
While waiting for his phone to ring

Koala S

Just waiting for the first "If the shoe fits.." joke!

This is what's left of my toilet-bowl after eating Taco Bell's new "Thunder Down Under Taco."
My T-shirt choice is... oooooooo noooooooo! Back in a minute!
... Animal Lover XL...
Help! I'm running out of toilet bowls!

This is a Victorian Pecker Perch, designed to assist a gentleman to point Percy at the Porcelain without having to physically touch his John Thomas and thereby avoid "improper thoughts." The Pecker Perch was equally useful for both left and right handed gentlemen and was a "one size fits all" approach since it was always very cold in Victorian England.

Neatorama Metal XL

There's nothing wrong with self-gifting, but if you then wrap it up carefully, leave it somewhere for yourself to find and then feign surprise when you open it.... that's just a little sad!

Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition! Our primary weapons are fear and this...... thing..... er... we're not quite sure what it does, but we're PRETTY sure it will hurt... a lot! HA-haaaaa!

Heartly Possible S