Why isn't Wallace Shawn the spokesman of a birth control pill called "Inconceivable"? - @phirm

A guy said "Twilight is for women what Star Wars is for men. I understand their obsession." Then I decapitated him with my lightsaber. - @AnnikaSkywalker

All of our twags are available now on high-quality tees over in our store. There's only a few displayed at the moment, but we'll be adding more bit by bit. If you want one that's not shown yet, just drop a comment below or e-mail us (info 'at' twaggies.com) and we'll be in touch about your order. We'll also be selling the twaggies as prints, for those who want to hang 'em on the bathroom wall and have a nice chuckle while urinating, or whatever it is you do in there ("I'm going blind!" ;-) Please support twaggies so we can continue to bring you hilarity each week. And, hell, if we raise enough funds, maybe we'll be able to quit our day jobs and post every day!

Twitter is just daycare for adults  @funnyoneliners @TequilaTuesday

Noses Without Borders #jewishcharities @SarahKSilverman

Keep your iPhone4. I'm holding out for the iPhone10 which irons your boxers, tells you you're pretty and cuddles with you after sex. - @GaryJBusey

Water parks are basically just places to deposit used Band-Aids. - @michaelianblack

Can I sleep my way to the top of Twitter like in real life? @monikkab

Great news. Scientists finally invent a car engine that uses water. Unfortunately the water has to come from the Gulf of Mexico. - @brendonsinclair

Twitter reminds me of a fridge. When you're bored you keep opening & closing it every few minutes to see if there's anything good in it - @5tevenw

Carrots: Nature's Butt Plug. @rainnwilson

Just saw a dude in a black cape at the grocery store. His evil plan somehow involves cheese. @howtogeek

Btw, a great big thanks to the Unibomber for ruining a perfectly good look.  @LauraJSilverman

Having dark hair in the summer sucks, with the 5 o'clock shadow in your armpits. @loveandbacon

Ron Jeremy's first pet was called Jeremy, and he grew up on Ron Street. @serafinowicz