"You know how you like to eat maybe 3 apples a week? Here's 50." - fruit baskets  -  @juliussharpe
~Illustration by: Sam Spratt~
I'd attend church a lot more if, instead of a tiny cracker, the body of Christ were a tiny quesadilla. - @DamienFahey
~Illustration by: Grant Rich~
The Dead Sea Scrolls were never examined as closely as the receipt my mother just got for a three-pack of socks. @bazecraze
Getting a retweet from someone with 0 followers is like being a beneficiary in a homeless person's will. @senorwinces
~Illustration by: Aliander Kaszyk~
Obsessive nose picking is called Rhinotillexomania - @mental_floss
~Illustration by: Pete Hillstrom~
TIP: If you want to find the biggest asshole at your party, leave an acoustic guitar out. - @kellyoxford
~Illustration by: Alethea Jones~
Tonight's meditation: When life hands you melons, you may be dyslexic. - @Pogue
Wallet chains are a good way to let the ladies know you've got about $7 you don't want to lose. - @BillMc7
~ Illustration by:Â Gary Krejca~
I'm the absolute best at making up excuses for not exercising. I deserve atrophy. - @BeerBatterBeard
~ Illustration by:Â Gary Krejca~
The 5th slice of pizza may have been a bad idea. *burp* #DontJudgeMe - @Alyssa_Milano
~Illustration by: @resila~
