no. 376 - @CuddlyNinja
 ~Illustration by: Kevin Coffee~
"Hey, that shit looks fun. Don't do that." - religion -Â @CuddlyNinja
no. 375 - @ZiggyWigged
~Illustration by:Â Jeff Naslund~
My son just shampooed the carpet, minus the ‘sham’.  @ZiggyWiggedno. 374 - @GSouder
Nothing gets me closer to murder than pedestrians who are out pacing me while I sit in traffic. @GSouder no. 373 - @donni
~Illustration by:Â Kevin Coffee~
The fact that we don't use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels. - @donni
no. 372 - @theNuzzy
no. 371 - @JonMoisan
~Illustrated by:Â Greg Smith~I thought that by this point in my life, I would be a Tyrannosaurus Rex. Eight year old me would be so ashamed of current me. -Â @JonMoisan
no. 370 - @bulls_horns
~Illustration by:Â Jeff Naslund~
We only keep a landline so I can call my cell when I lose it in the house. - @bulls_hornsno. 369 - @zcrantz
By the way, let the record reflect that I inadvertently created the international emoticon for bipolar disorder today : ) : @zcrantz no. 368 - @_JimmySnow_
One advantage of being 40+ on Twitter is the keen ability to spot an unoriginal tweet because you read it off a t-shirt in 1979. -Â @_JimmySnow__no. 367 - @SKYENICOLAS
no. 366 - @slyoung5
~Illustration by: Nicholas Spence~
Note to self: Self does not want anymore notes. Fuck off. -Â @slyoung5no. 365 - @PortlandiaGirl
~Illustration by: Ingrid Doering~
I got a new car for my husband. BEST.TRADE. EVER. - @PortlandiaGirlno. 364 - @rainnwilson
~ Illustration by:Â Gary Krejca~
Waitress: 'Do u have any questions about the menu?' Me: 'What kind of font is this?' @rainnwilsonno. 363 - @SEAempire
Some app I accidentally downloaded makes my phone beep everytime I lie! But please don't tell. People think it's my fake boyfriend texting. -Â @SEAempire no. 362 - @Xytrex
~Illustration by:Â Kevin Coffee~
There’s nothing like your first romantic kiss, except maybe your first romantic kiss with another person…so I’ve heard. - @Xytrex
