Hollywood filmmakers love to release merchandise based on their films, mostly because it means more money in their pocket, but not every film is a good basis for tie-in merchandise. In fact, some films really shouldn’t be marketed in this way at all, and yet the stream of movie tie-in merch flows on, bringing a new batch of bad products to us with every new batch of films.
Here are ten of the worst movie tie-in products ever made:
1. Rambo Black Flak Bubble Gum-
Rambo does all of his talking with his weapons, and he apparently chews Black Flak gum while blasting the bad guys! Want to be just like Rambo, kiddies? Chew a pack of Black Flak all at once and feel the Sly Stallone energy coursing through your veins!
2. Watchmen Condom-
There was once a pretty good movie made about an amazing graphic novel by Alan Moore called The Watchmen, and someone saw unlimited merchandise potential in the franchise. They made licensed costumes, toys, accessories and apparel galore, but then they took film merchandising one step too far and released a Dr. Manhattan blue The Watchmen condom.
The condoms came complete with slogan “We're Society's Only Protection” printed on the paper sleeve, and anyone who has read the graphic novel and/or seen the film will know why this product is wrong in so many ways!
3. Letters To E.T. Book-
The book Letters To E.T. is an utterly useless tie-in product, containing nothing but fan letters sent to Steven Spielberg after the release of E.T. in theaters. It pretty much has nothing to do with E.T., and something tells me the few people who bought a copy were the ones who wrote the letters contained in the book!
It’s one of the most lowdown examples of fandom exploitation, and probably left a lot of kids feeling sad and confused when they received it as a gift only to find it had virtually nothing to do with their favorite extraterrestrial.
4. Jar-Jar Binks Mega Mouth Candy-
Jar-Jar Binks is the most beloved character in the Star Wars universe, the universally loved and celebrated character that starred in Star Wars Episode II: Attack Of The Clones, and kids and grown-ups loved him so much that they totally wanted to make out with him!
Enter the Jar-Jar Binks Mega Mouth candy, featuring a sucker center shaped like J-J’s tongue so you can relive that famous scene in the movie when that human totally makes out with him!
Nothing says waking up from a night of drug and drink laced debauchery like an energy shot, they’re the go-to wakey wake products for tired people these days, and many feel the tinier the bottle the better.
Enter The Hangover Recovery Shot, a tiny boost to get you going again as you try to put together the pieces of your broken life, and the etra shot of vitamins will help you remember where you left your car keys...and your car!
6. Pinocchio Boxers-
Pinocchio fans aren’t all little wooden boys, some are full grown adult men made of flesh who grew up without strings, and these questionable boxers were made for those grown up men folk fans.
I couldn't find these boxers for sale anywhere to verify they actually exist, but if Disney actually released such a potentially racy product they've developed quite a naughty sense of humor!
7. The Matrix Reloaded Samsung SPH-N270 Mobile Phone-
The Samsung SPH-N270 was made to look exactly like the phone in The Matrix Reloaded, and the phone was released on the same day as the film. It featured a spring loaded earpiece that slid away to reveal the screen, which sported a snazzy green digital rain graphic.
Despite all the flash the phone was a piece of junk that lacked features such as bluetooth and mp3 playback, and it sold for a whopping $500 to the two or three people who bought into the hype.
8. After Earth Camping Equipment-
If you camped out to see After Earth in the theaters you’d be dead of embarrassment right now, and if you’re reading this then you definitely survived that atomic bomb of a movie.
As a survivor of that Smith family joint you will appreciate how ridiculous it is to release a line of merchandise based on the film, but to the After Earth merchandising team's credit they did make something that ties in with the film!
9. Despicable Me 2 Minion Fart Blaster-
The Despicable Me 2 Minion Fart Blaster is a cute idea on paper, but the reality is a stinky nightmare in the making. This is the kind of gift you give kids when you hate their parents, and anyone who has a kid running around with a Fart Blaster had better invest in a gas mask, because if kids think farting is fun they're going to gas you out of your house until they leave for college!
10. Monsters University Go Glow Light-
Hey, Mike Wazowski isn't the one who says "Bite my shiny...", but apparently he has a light shining where the sun don't shine. Maybe we're reading too much into this, but the position of his legs and the latrine look of the base make this figure seem so wrong.
Movie companies aren't going to stop making terrible movie tie-in merch anytime soon, so we thank them in advance for providing us with something to write about!
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