The Genesis of Web Content

In the beginning, the first chapter of the Book of Genesis tells us, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without web content. So on the eighth day, after he had rested, he wrote search-engine optimized web articles in slideshow format with clickbait titles. In McSweeney's, Kendra Eash retells this Bible story for an internet age:

In the beginning God created the Internet. And the Internet was without form, and void; and God said, let there be Content; and there was Content. And God divided the content among Facebook and Twitter, YouTube and Instagram, Snapchat and Tumblr.

And God said, Let the Content multiply at the hand of the people; it can really be anything.

Even, just, like, playing yogurt cups like bongos, the Lord God said. Or reviewing a Bath and Body Works candle. It’s wide open.

Except nipples, God added. Just women’s nipples are off limits.

And God said, Let the Content be sponsored by all the brands of the earth; Nike and Adidas, Apple and Google, Scion and Ford, Always and Tampax, for Content might influence a primary sales objective.

Be sure to read it all, especially the last line, which is perfect.

-via Popped Culture

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Heretics! Those of us in the Old True Faith know that God created the Internet in 1969, then populated it with all manner of Protocols - telnet, ftp, nntp, smtp, ntp, and so many more. Online discussions started, and flamewars and spam soon followed, tempered only be the anger of the SysAdmin (praise be the SysAdmin) and the distant frowns of the ARPANET overlords. This was a time of purity, before the worms and viruses came. But this was also a time of soundless darkness, for images, sound, and movies could only be found in the corners of the world. Archie, Veronica, and Gopher sustained us in that net until Mosaic brought us to the new land of HTTP and HTML that the prophet Berners-Lee created. Now, alas, our old faith is crumbling, forgotten, overwhelmed.
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