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Obituaries to Remember

These real death notices weren’t written by journalists, but by the witty families of the dearly departed.

James Robert “Beef” Ward, 39, will be sadly and sorely missed by his loving family. Jimmy, who his family affectionately called “Pork” or “Bubba,” was preceded in death by his mother, Barbara Jean “Buffalo Butt” Ward. Survived by his fiancee, Annie “Red” Callahan; father, J. Richard “Old Fart” Ward; sisters, Cathy “Funny Face” Graf, Karen “Turtle” Ward, and “Hamburger” Patty Ward.

-Columbus Dispatch

Edward “Bruce” Merritt. Born April 3, 1951 in North Carolina. His older sisters regularly beat him up, put him in dresses, and then forced him to walk to the drugstore to buy their cigarettes. Bruce never met a stranger, and in many ways was stranger than most. He is survived by one daughter, two grandchildren, two ex-wives, unpaid taxes, and many loyal loving friends.

-Dallas Morning News

Chuck P. Dimmick passed away suddenly on April 18, 2009, while attending a NASCAR Race to watch his favorite driver, Jeff Gordon. Chuck was the Director of Marketing for the Lund Cadillac Group. We are sure he would still want all to know that 0.9% financing is still available on all new 2008 Hummer H2’s.

-Arizona Republic

Theodore Roosevelt Heller, 88, was discharged from the U.S. Army during WWII due to service-related injuries, and then forced his way back into the Illinois National Guard insisting no one tells him when to serve his country. In lieu of flowers, please send acerbic letters to Republicans.

-Chicago Tribune

Arthur (Fred) Clark, who had tired of reading obituaries noting others’ courageous battle with this or that disease, wanted it known that he lost his battle as a result of an automobile accident on June 18, 2006. During his life he excelled at mediocrity. He had lifelong love affairs with bacon, butter, cigars, and bourbon. His sons said of Fred, “He was often wrong, but never in doubt.” When his family was asked what they remembered about Fred, they fondly recalled how Fred never peed in the shower -on purpose.

-Richmond Times Dispatch

Ruth E. Rencevicz, born on August 8, 1927, passed away on September 7, 2008, due to complications resulting from her children making her old before her time. Ruth served her country as a covert spy for the CIA, where during the Cold War she was largely responsible for the breakup of the Soviet Union. At least, that’s the way she told it. Ruth was also very active as a volunteer known to selflessly give of her time by standing on the balcony yelling at kids for “playing that rap music” at all hours of the day and night.

-Akron Beacon Journal

Louis J. Casimir Jr. bought the farm Thursday, Feb. 5, 2004, having lived more than twice as long as he had expected and probably three or four times as long as he deserved. Although he was born into an impecunious family, in a backward and benighted part of the country at the beginning of the Great Depression, he never in his life suffered any real hardships. For more than six decades, he smoked, drank, and ate lots of animal fat, but never had a serious illness or injury. His last wish was that everyone could be as lucky as he had been, even though his demise was probably iatrogenic. Lou was a daredevil: his last words were “Watch this!”

-The Daily Item (Pa.)

Jack Balmer. As this is my auto-obituary, I’d like to write it in my own fashion! I was born in Vancouver on All Saints Day 1931. Apart from practicing dentistry for 30 years, I have also at one time or another been fairly adept as a skier, private pilot, race car driver, vintner, mechanic, model builder, marine aquarist, carpenter, photographer, plumber, scuba diver, writer, boat builder, Olympic team member (coach for a bronze medal), and a Canadian Coast Guard Auxiliary member. Since I’ve had a ball in life, with no regrets and nothing left still undone, and since our world seems to be quickly deteriorating, it’s a good time for me to cash in. Goodbye and good luck!

-Vancouver Sun

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The article above is reprinted with permission from Uncle John's Endlessly Engrossing Bathroom Reader.

Since 1988, the Bathroom Reader Institute had published a series of popular books containing irresistible bits of trivia and obscure yet fascinating facts. If you like Neatorama, you'll love the Bathroom Reader Institute's books - go ahead and check 'em out!


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