Sock Portrait

Golden middle is always the best option. If your love for your child is 100% conditional and depends on his or her achievements - chances are (according to the article) they won't "feel worthy as adults". However if you love them unconditionally no matter their wrong doings, if you close your eyes on things that they should not be doing, like the way they treat other kids, then they grow up extremely selfish and self-centered. They would demand the same unconditional love from a spouse and if they won't see it on a regular basis, they are doomed to have an unhappy marriage.

I think there's a tangible difference between "unconditional love" and "unconditional approval." You can love your child unconditionally and still dole out the discipline when called for.

Whoa now, there's a big difference between love and approval. I will always love my kids and they know it, but I don't always approve of the things they do, and they know it. I couldn't withhold love, but I can make them aware of consequences for their behavior.

Gee, Gail, I swear your comment wasn't there yet when I started typing mine...

Hmm, I'll have to read into this, might find some inspiration to why I'm so screwed up.

I see it's been said before but I'm chiming in anyway. There is a whole world of difference between love and approval.

I love my child. I will love him no matter what he does in life. I have loved him since I first found out I was pregnant.

Sometimes I don't like his behavior very much though. When he messes up his room with the contents of his diaper (he's 20 months old) I really don't like it. I don't approve of behavior like that. But does that make me love him any less?

HELL NO!

Methinks people who write articles like this need to go out and buy a dictionary before they make themselves look like complete idiots.

The thing is, most people don't choose the way they raise their kid, they just do. My biological dad died when I was 2, leaving my mom to raise both me and my sister on her own. Seeing her depressed so much made an impact on me, always trying to be quiet, accepting only what was given to me, and keeping to myself. Were those traits learned, or biological, I have no idea, but people's actions don't always come out with their original intentions. People can think one thing, but the result of that action can lead to an unexpected, and much of the time unknown consequence. I know you think that the world is all black and white, but there's is 98% different shades of gray that goes on in the details that many people don't see.

All these different opinions about parenting can make your head spin. Even the "best" advice can backfire given a situation. There is just no manual, no shortcut, or fool proof answer with "perfect" parenting. But I'm still guilty of looking at these books, practicing it, finding out it just didn't work. The What to Expect book didn't cover a lot of what we went through. "Be Prepared", that actually did. http://www.beprepared.net/sample.html

My children are going to wonder about me when they get older, ha!

Well, I practiced a combination of unconditional love with letting the kids know that we might disapprove of certain behavior but loved them anyway -- and also totally taught them to take responsibility for the consequences of their actions. My parents practiced "conditional love," and all their children resented the hell out of them. I made a promise to myself even before I had any kids that I would do things differently. It turned out extremely well -- as adults, all three offspring are awesome, productive, happy, well-adjusted, loving, successful. It works, people!

It occurs to me that a parent can utilize both conditional positive and negative attention.
-Good child effort >>> yeilds >>> Positive attention.
-Maladaptive effort >>> yeilds >>> Negative attention.
Most people would call this FULL TIME parenting.
Warning to all: Alfie Cohn shows up in educational circles often. Most people with any knowledge of educational research or child psychology dismiss him as the poorly-grounded sensationalist he is... -Steve

I'm sickened that I live in a world where Alfie Kohn gets even a mention, let alone an article, in the New York Times. This guy has missed the boat in a MAJOR way and should not be misleading people any further. Parents have a hard enough time figuring out how to be "good" parents as it is. Read "The Power of Positive Parenting" if you want a dose of the way things really work.

I couldn't read the Neatorama post or the comments, much less the book.

Remember, if you want us to read stuff about mothers, show a picture with some cleavage.

"Second, they were apt to say that the way they acted was often due more to a “strong internal pressure” than to “a real sense of choice.”"

Try applying this feel-good garbage to toilet training. You kinda hafta negatively react to your kid crapping on the coffee table...

Spare the Taser, spoil the child.

Love and acceptance are the only two things we should be practicing when raising kids. Sculpting them into some idealistic models will only hurt both sides in the long run