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Santa Claus Q&A

In a rare column, Santa Claus shares some correspondence containing some of the more difficult questions he's received. His answers will make you think. For example, Darnell asked why he didn't get the Atari he asked for in 1981.
No question, Atari would have been a great gift for you in 1981. I did get you a skateboard. As you skated around your neighborhood that spring you met your best friend for life, Victor. You ran over the girl you’d eventually bring to your senior prom, Dominique. If you’d spent all that time indoors playing Atari, maybe your life wouldn’t have taken these turns. Sometimes I’m not able to give children the gift they want, but I can give them a gift they’ll use and enjoy that is maybe the perfect gift for them at that moment. Part of believing in the spirit of the Holidays is trusting in that spirit.

Read more at The Hairpin. Link

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This is a Bissel Wampner, for realligning the plimsol marks on military cargo ships. Incorrect plimsol marks led to leeward warpage, especially on the Great Lakes of America and the western Caspian Sea. Originally the task of alignment went to the newest or least popular member, but with the implementation of The Maritime Safety Act off 1963, the alignment is performed by a trained monkey, or for ships flagged by the British Isles, a welshman.
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This is the prior art I need to finally break the design patent Nestle holds on (ice cream) Push Up Pops.

Children of the world rejoice! Inexpensive mess-free ice cream awaits you this summer!

Ha ha, just kidding. I'll piddle my life's savings away in court for another decade and die penniless clutching a naked Barbie doll in an alley in Levittown, New York.
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It is an Electreat apparatus, a neuromodulatory device for the relief of pain and improved vitality and health.

Y'all can bow to the neuroscientist now :p
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It's clearly one leg to old-fashioned bed frame. Before the technology existed for springs embedded in mattresses, they used spring-loaded legs on the frames.

This one is, of course, the Deluxe model which can be rolled away from the wall when using the latest space age dust sucking machine (pre-Hoover).
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This is an electrical device that takes d-batteries. You move the metal switch down to turn it on. It produces a an electrical charge when both your hands touch. (it's used for therapy stimulation of electrical connections)
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Craig - well found. "Electreat apparatus (1928-1938) Cylinder with roller on end, containing two flashlight cells; accessories included sponge, scalp brush, palm massage pad." Also, "A battery-operated device called the "Electreat" for giving a harmless electric shock. Before the manufacturer was enjoined by the Food & Drug Administration, Electreat was represented as helpful for goiter, kidney trouble, heart pain, broken bones, childbirth paralysis and deafness."
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This is a manual bomb deployment system. When your army doesn't have enough planes to bomb a city, you deploy your troops, each soldier carrying one of this things, to the target city. Once your troops arrive at the target location, they throw them as if they were throwing a hammer (olympic kind, not regular hammer, that would be just ridiculous) towards the roof of the target building.

Not pictured: see the little hole between the handle and the bomb? That's where the safety pin goes.
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It's a spool guide for a paper machine. when paper is produced industrially, steam filled rollers about 5 foot in diameter are used to dry the pulp and form it into a long continuous sheet. these rollers are used to guide the edges as it is in a dry state and being spooled
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This used to be a electreat (the mechanical heart) it was used to relieve pains in your body by putting a small current through your body.It uses batteries & usually has a few more attachments with it. but will work the way it is. The handle is the ground & the roller part would be the positive. Is quite the gadget & can give you a wake up call if turned up.
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