Wait, are we not supposed to be wearing codpieces now?

A farmer's animals are in total revolt and the man sees an ad in the paper for an animal psychic. He has nothing to lose so he calls the psychic who says he'll come by the next morning. Sure enough the psychic shows up, says he'll have to commune with the animals. A while later the psychic finds the farmer and says "Your horses are angry with you because you changed their bits from straight bars to triangular ones and its hurting their mouths when they pull things." "You're right!" says the farmer. "I can fix that." The psychic says "You aren't putting enough water in the pigs' pen so they can't roll in the mud to prevent sunburns." The farmer says "That's true. I'll take care of that!" The psychic then says "You cranked up the milking machines too high and it's hurting the cows' udders. They are very unhappy." The farmer says "OMG! You are totally right. I'll dial them back down. You are very good at this." The psychic then says "I communed with your sheep and -" The farmer yells "Oh, those sheep. They're all liars. Don't believe a word they say!"

A lady rings up Parks and Wildlife to ask how to get rid of a possum under her house. The advice is to leave a trail of bread from the house to the bush, which she does.Next day they get a call from the lady who now has two possums under the house. David (Tasmania)

When going south to Antarctica, about 70% of the people on board the expedition ship I was on were not to be seen. Either in bed with sea sickness, or talking to Ralph on the porcelain phone. Thankfully it didn't impact me, so there were some fellow loco passengers who went to the front of the ship, yet stayed indoors, and watched the absolute bonkersness of going up and down humungous waves and having them just completely engulf the entire front of the ship.
On my sailing back north, the Drake was like glass.
Good times! Highly recommend going to Antarctica. Head to Ushuaia and book a last minute departure on a ship that still has space.

My mother used that word for non specific illnesses. I thought she had made it up until a few years ago when I learned that it was real.

John. Buddy. You doing okay?

Memories. And a great read. Count me in the group saying it was the funniest movie ever. But I was only 17 so what did I know? Might not be that today but it's right up there.

I always spell no one no-one and pronounce gala guh-LAH, vegan VEJ-un, and renaissance re-NAY-senss (renascence) because that's the way they should be. I've worried that it might be a red flag clue in a robbery or ransom note or call, but then of course I'll spell and say everything the wrong but normal way during a crime and get away with it, in case the need ever comes up.
There's a science fiction story from the early 1960s where an energetic brilliant exotic immigrant man earns his place in the U.S. space service but is kept from high-profile missions. Somehow he replaces the astronaut meant to go to, I think, Pluto, and he gives away who he is in a radio interchange by his pronunciation of the number six. He says, "Nine, eight, seven, sikkis... The flight director grasps this, but too late to stop the launch. The rocket is away and the man gets his chance.

What, no General Bullmoose? No Kentucky Colonel? Admiral Ackbar ? Khaleesi? Khal? ???

I guess Major Major Major is right out then.

Looks like a baby sarlacc to me, but I'm in a galaxy far, far away.

I went to Edinburgh a few months ago, and the walking-tour guide explained it: There USED to be unicorns, but they didn't want to get into the ark. Noah threatened them, but they were too stubborn and didn't want to listen to authority. Noah warned them that big rain was coming, but they weren't afraid of it. They went extinct during the flood. Centuries later, Scotland chose the unicorn as its symbol because it's the animal that most represents the attitude of Scottish people: stubborn, resistant to authority, and accustomed to being rained on every day.

Erdős did so much math because he also did prolific amounts of meth. His concerned friends challenged him over it, but he insisted that hew could quit anytime he wanted. To prove it, he went cold turkey for 2 months. He then said to his friends, "Are you satisfied? Now you have set back the field of mathematics a whole 2 months!"