Oversleep, get the wrong coffee, burn yourself on it, step in puddle, walk in wet shoe, slip in work lobby. Thursday, I'm done with you.

— Catherine Faas (@catherinefaas) May 9, 2013

I only make spaghetti so I can eat an entire loaf of garlic bread without all the judgement.

— Queen of the Damned (@Cpt_Burnout) March 29, 2013

"And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails."

— Tim Siedell (@badbanana) March 27, 2013

Don't think you're immune. We're all just a whim away from singing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight." Yes, a whim away...a whim away...a whim away.

— Tony (@Tmoney68) October 23, 2012

Dear Homophobic Vending Machine:I'm sorry my dollar bill wasn't straight enough for you. Go fuck yourself.Sincerely,Skittle-less

— Bona Fide Intentions (@BonaFideIntent) July 16, 2012

The most socially awkward of all the dinosaurs was the Michaelceratops.

— Bill Mc7 (@BillMc7) July 22, 2012

Soooo... Charlie Brown's parents just don't give a fuck that their 8 year old son is balding?

— Immorally Fixated (@ImmorallyFixate) January 22, 2013

Went to Costco for toilet paper and bought Rhode Island and a cobra.

— Chez McCorvey (@CelebrityChez) March 1, 2013

sometimes I yell stuff like THIS IS NOT A HOTEL and I AM NOT YOUR SLAVE but nothing ever changes because he's a total asshole. and a cat.

— Bambam Victoria (@BambamVictoria) February 5, 2013

~Illustration by: Charles C. Somerville~

I'm convinced that homeless people have all the shopping carts with 4 good wheels.

— Rock (@TheMichaelRock) May 14, 2012

I'm going to have a fireman carry me everywhere from now on. That way, I can be lazy and still get sympathy from strangers.

— Tim Siedell (@badbanana) January 23, 2013

"I just launched a new fragrance!" - fun way to announce a fart

— Josh Hara (@yoyoha) October 28, 2011

"Only the good die." - Jung

— Brandon Gutermuth (@UNTRESOR) January 24, 2013

I like butterflies, I just feel sorry for caterpillars with a fear of flying and no interest in fashion.

— Sixth Form Poet (@sixthformpoet) March 11, 2013

The laundry is all clean. NOBODY WEAR ANYTHING.

— Megaboo (@ImNotMegan1) November 20, 2012

"Some people say I'm an animal in the sack." - baby kangaroo

— Jeremy Wetzel (@WetzelGeek) August 14, 2012

Relationship status: binoculars

— Ghandi's Dentist (@thatlionkid) March 8, 2013

Oh you're a jogger? Good for you. I just burned 3000 calories in under 30 minutes. Can't believe I forgot that pizza was in the oven.

— Manda Daisy Duke (@lilgapeach30) January 13, 2013

I don't want to learn karate but I really need a new belt

— Megan Amram (@meganamram) March 19, 2013

When a woman asks you to guess her age, it's like deciding whether to cut the blue, red, or green wire to diffuse a bomb.

— Gяєєи вαвє (@iGreenBabe) July 19, 2012

I keep pushing the potato button on the microwave, but alas, no potato. :(

— Snorklhuahua (@weinerdog4life) December 22, 2012

1. Change last name to Crunch.2. Join the military.3. Work my way up to Captain.4. Become Captain Crunch.5. WIN LIFE

— Lesli (@leslid79) March 17, 2013

Next time you're having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they're trying to do a push-up.

— Zachary? (@GreenishDuck) February 21, 2013

I would like to thank Tetris for providing me w/ the skills to jam as many dishes as possible in my dishwasher.

— Men's Humor (@MensHumor) March 14, 2013

Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.

— donni (@donni) July 30, 2011

Just woke up and scared the hell out of this mortician.on.fb.me/MWRXtJ

— JDCrowe2 (@Crowetoons) June 27, 2012

The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.

— God (@TheTweetOfGod) March 9, 2013