Guinness Book Tape Measure [no. 989 - @Aspersioncast]
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
— Aspersioncast (@Aspersioncast) May 3, 2013
Twaggies T-Shirts
Most Twaggies are available as prints and t-shirts in the Neatoshop right down here. Don't see the one you're looking for? Just e-mail us!
Men Mean Well [no. 988 - @JessCallMeJaydi]
Men mean well, but they usually say "good".
— Jaydi Samuels (@JessCallMeJaydi) May 13, 2013
Mattress Strap Uses [no. 987 - @GetCougarized]
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I've been using them for all this time.
— Get Cougarized (@GetCougarized) March 25, 2012
How To Get A Woman Mad [no. 986 - @JohnDuffy21]
How to get a woman mad in two easy steps: 1. Take a picture of her. 2. Don't show it to her.
— JD (@JohnDuffy21) April 24, 2013
~Illustrated by: Stefan Hey~
Get this on a T-shirt over at the Twaggies Shop: How to Get a Women Mad in Two Easy Steps
How To Be Ruthless [no. 985 - @gmossii]
I consider myself ruthless since there are no Ruths in my life.
— SAL (@gmossii) December 27, 2012
~Illustrated by: Grant Kolton~
Get this on a T-shirt over at the Twaggies Shop: I Consider Myself Ruthless
Coma Reboot [no. 984 - @carbosly]
Have we tried unplugging coma victims and plugging them in again?Works for my computer.
— Carbosly (@Carbosly) December 22, 2012
~Illustration by: Jim Bertram~
Supermarket $5 DVD Bin [no. 983 - @ezeddaly]
Like a battered wife, I glance at the supermarket $5 DVD bin hoping this time will be different.
— Ed Daly (@ezeddaly) March 15, 2012
Thursday, I'm done with you! [no. 982 - @catherinefaas]
Oversleep, get the wrong coffee, burn yourself on it, step in puddle, walk in wet shoe, slip in work lobby. Thursday, I'm done with you.
— Catherine Faas (@catherinefaas) May 9, 2013
no. 981 - @Cpt_Burnout
~Illustration by: Stacey Mcwee~I only make spaghetti so I can eat an entire loaf of garlic bread without all the judgement.
— Queen of the Damned (@Cpt_Burnout) March 29, 2013
no. 980 - @badbanana
"And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails."
— Tim Siedell (@badbanana) March 27, 2013
Twaggies Tees
Most Twaggies are available as prints and t-shirts in the Neatoshop right down here. Don't see the one you're looking for? Just e-mail us!
no. 979 - @Tmoney68
~Original illustration: Ricardo Costa~Don't think you're immune. We're all just a whim away from singing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight." Yes, a whim away...a whim away...a whim away.
— Tony (@Tmoney68) October 23, 2012
no. 978 - @BonaFideIntent
~Illustrated by: Alex Seth Alex~Dear Homophobic Vending Machine:I'm sorry my dollar bill wasn't straight enough for you. Go fuck yourself.Sincerely,Skittle-less
— Bona Fide Intentions (@BonaFideIntent) July 16, 2012
no. 977 - @BillMc7
~Illustrated by: Stefan Hey~The most socially awkward of all the dinosaurs was the Michaelceratops.
— Bill Mc7 (@BillMc7) July 22, 2012
no. 976 - @ImmorallyFixate
~Illustrated by: Jake Slingland~Soooo... Charlie Brown's parents just don't give a fuck that their 8 year old son is balding?
— Immorally Fixated (@ImmorallyFixate) January 22, 2013
no. 975 - @CelebrityChez
~Illustrated by: Stefan Hey~Went to Costco for toilet paper and bought Rhode Island and a cobra.
— Chez McCorvey (@CelebrityChez) March 1, 2013
no. 974 - @BambamVictoria
sometimes I yell stuff like THIS IS NOT A HOTEL and I AM NOT YOUR SLAVE but nothing ever changes because he's a total asshole. and a cat.
— Bambam Victoria (@BambamVictoria) February 5, 2013
~Illustration by:Â Charles C. Somerville~
no. 973 - @TheMichaelRock
~Illustrated by: Stefan Hey~I'm convinced that homeless people have all the shopping carts with 4 good wheels.
— Rock (@TheMichaelRock) May 14, 2012
no. 972 - @badbanana
~Illustration by: Carnilius R~I'm going to have a fireman carry me everywhere from now on. That way, I can be lazy and still get sympathy from strangers.
— Tim Siedell (@badbanana) January 23, 2013
no. 971 - @yoyoha
~Original illustration: Ricardo Costa~"I just launched a new fragrance!" - fun way to announce a fart
— Josh Hara (@yoyoha) October 28, 2011
no. 970 - @UNTRESOR
~Illustration by: Charles C. Somerville~"Only the good die." - Jung
— Brandon Gutermuth (@UNTRESOR) January 24, 2013
no. 969 - @sixthformpoet
~Original illustration: Ricardo Costa~I like butterflies, I just feel sorry for caterpillars with a fear of flying and no interest in fashion.
— Sixth Form Poet (@sixthformpoet) March 11, 2013
no. 968 - @ImNotMegan1
The laundry is all clean. NOBODY WEAR ANYTHING.
— Megaboo (@ImNotMegan1) November 20, 2012
no. 967 - @WetzelGeek
"Some people say I'm an animal in the sack." - baby kangaroo
— Jeremy Wetzel (@WetzelGeek) August 14, 2012
no. 966 - @thatlionkid
Relationship status: binoculars
— Ghandi's Dentist (@thatlionkid) March 8, 2013
no. 965 - @lilgapeach30
Oh you're a jogger? Good for you. I just burned 3000 calories in under 30 minutes. Can't believe I forgot that pizza was in the oven.
— Manda Daisy Duke (@lilgapeach30) January 13, 2013
no. 964 - @meganamram
I don't want to learn karate but I really need a new belt
— Megan Amram (@meganamram) March 19, 2013
no. 962 - @iGreenBabe
When a woman asks you to guess her age, it's like deciding whether to cut the blue, red, or green wire to diffuse a bomb.
— GÑєєи вαвє (@iGreenBabe) July 19, 2012
no. 962 - @weinerdog4life
I keep pushing the potato button on the microwave, but alas, no potato. :(
— Snorklhuahua (@weinerdog4life) December 22, 2012
