Lady came to front door & asked if I'd donate to new pool they're building for kids. I told her to hang on & came back with a glass of water

— Sly (@slyoung5) June 10, 2011

~Illustrated by: Colin Graham~

I wonder if I smell like an old person yet.

— MOM! MOM! MOM! (@GetUrOwnCoffee) May 30, 2013

You can buy this, and most Twaggies images, as shirts and prints, right down this way.

Charlie Brown’s dad was a barber.

— Mental Floss (@mental_floss) June 16, 2013

~Illustrated by: Colin Graham~

A Smart car just honked at me. It was cute. I said bless you.

— travis (@travisauruss) March 5, 2013

~Illustrated by: Colin Graham~

My body looks like a kindergartner drew me.

— Chris Young (@CYComedy) December 18, 2012

~Illustrated by: Colin Graham~

As always, most Twaggies are available in the store as prints and t-shirts! Head on over and pick one up. Every penny that Twaggies makes goes right to our artists to help support the work they do.

I can name more Star Wars planets than U.S. presidents.

— Matt Wilkie (@WritingWilkie) May 23, 2013

I bet the sheep that make steel wool are awesome.

— Daniel Crayg (@10InchesPlus) December 30, 2012

~Illustrated by: Colin Graham~

You can buy this, and most Twaggies images, as shirts and prints, right down here.

This guy next to me says my cigarette smoke is bothering him. I'm like: Well, it's killing me and I'm not bitching about it.

— E=mc² (@samalmightysam) September 1, 2012

~Illustrated by: Colin Graham~

Check texts. Check Twitter. Check Facebook. Check Instagram. Check Vine. Check the road. Repeat.

— Patrick Ryan (@patrickmarkryan) May 10, 2013

~Illustrated by: Colin Graham~

I'm like a cartoon character, not because I'm cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.

— Peach Ring2 (@LilFlaOrange30) April 30, 2013

Pinterest assumes we all have unlimited supplies of pallet wood & mason jars. Where are these mysterious caches, people? WHERE?

— Jen Yates (@cakewrecks) May 14, 2013

~Illustrated by: Colin Graham~

Hipsters would be more tolerable if they were pizza

— Eden Dranger (@Eden_Eats) May 30, 2013

~Illustrated by: Colin Graham~

Hate should burn more calories.

— Sarah Dactyl (@GreenEyedJedi) March 8, 2012

~Illustrated by: Colin Graham~

My sunglasses are either broke or lost at all times and cheap as hell to begin with. I am my sunglasses.

— tony logan (@tnylgn) May 7, 2013

.@walmart can u help? I've been in the bathroom in ur store for 3 hrs cuz the sign says "employees must wash hands" but nobody has shown up

— jurassic 'stache (@WyanRilson) January 6, 2013

Every time I try to walk into an Anthropologie, the salesgirls smell my poverty and see my fat thighs and they beat me with brooms

— Mary Charlene (@IamEnidColeslaw) January 5, 2013

I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they're in the middle of a race.

— No Friends Nige (@koalaslament) May 9, 2012

1. Pick jeans to wear2. Pull them up to thighs3. Pants dance for 3 minutes4. Take pants off5. Put sweatpants on6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie

— Adrienne Airhart (@craydrienne) November 8, 2012

Staring longingly at the door works for my cats, but I tried it in a meeting and no one let me out.

— Dr. Twittenheimer (@DrTwittenheimer) June 17, 2010

I'm what Willis was talking about.

— Debbie Harry Cooter (@WhoCuppedMyCake) December 25, 2011

What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?

— Aspersioncast (@Aspersioncast) May 3, 2013

Most Twaggies are available as prints and t-shirts in the Neatoshop right down here. Don't see the one you're looking for? Just e-mail us! 

Men mean well, but they usually say "good".

— Jaydi Samuels (@JessCallMeJaydi) May 13, 2013

I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I've been using them for all this time.

— Get Cougarized (@GetCougarized) March 25, 2012

How to get a woman mad in two easy steps: 1. Take a picture of her. 2. Don't show it to her.

— JD (@JohnDuffy21) April 24, 2013

~Illustrated by: Stefan Hey~

Get this on a T-shirt over at the Twaggies Shop: How to Get a Women Mad in Two Easy Steps

I consider myself ruthless since there are no Ruths in my life.

— SAL (@gmossii) December 27, 2012

~Illustrated by: Grant Kolton~

Get this on a T-shirt over at the Twaggies Shop: I Consider Myself Ruthless

Have we tried unplugging coma victims and plugging them in again?Works for my computer.

— Carbosly (@Carbosly) December 22, 2012

~Illustration by: Jim Bertram~

Like a battered wife, I glance at the supermarket $5 DVD bin hoping this time will be different.

— Ed Daly (@ezeddaly) March 15, 2012