At the Met with the Tiny Art Director

By Alex in Art on Jun 7, 2010 at 1:19 pm


A guest post by Bill Zeman of Tiny Art Director

My wife and I really wanted to see The Milkmaid when it came to the Metropolitan Museum last year but couldn't find a time to go without our kids. Vermeer's paintings have a wonderfully emotional effect on me – they are so still and quiet they come alive in the simple moments they depict. But that quietness that I love is just about the last thing any kid would be interested in, especially my kid, Rosie. Finally in the show's last week we decided to risk it and dragged the kids along, knowing full well what was likely to happen: after a long subway ride we'd arrive, run to the bathrooms, get sidetracked by the Temple of Dendur, then the armor collection, and finally end up in the cafeteria, exhausted and cranky, and never get to see the Vermeers at all.

I've tried a few times to make my kids look at paintings in museums. It usually goes even worse than when I try to get them to look at my own paintings. Rosie, in particular, has always had a very strong reaction to art; generally one of outrage.

You might know her from my blog Tiny Art Director. Since she was two, I have been painting pictures for her, consistently failing to please her with them, and blogging her funny and usually devastating critiques. The result, Tiny Art Director: A Toddler and Her Vision has now been published by Chronicle Books.

If you've read either the blog or the book you'll know that calm scenes of 17th century domestic life would not be to her taste.

Strangely though, she was excited to see the Vermeer show, so we set off eager to experience a moment of the Dutch Master's delicious tranquility, imagining our attentive and sophisticated daughters at our sides. When we entered the dimly lit gallery we understood why Rosie had been willing to come.

"Where's the stage? I thought this was a show. I wanted dancing!"

She was immediately and literally bored to tears, and it looked like, as predicted I was not going to be able to enjoy the art myself. Somehow, The Milkmaid wouldn't come alive for me with Rosie struggling like a cat in my arms.

But soon after she managed to free herself, she discovered Vermeer's Allegory of Faith – a large painting with a snake being crushed by a rock in the bottom corner – right at her eye-level. Awesome! A scary creature being killed! Rosie had found the drama she was looking for – the story in this painting unfolded for her and gave her a rare opportunity to inspect primal forces up close. She was entranced and stood millimeters from the canvas, studying the details for several minutes.


Allegory of Faith by Johannes Vermeer (c. 1670-72)

A guard came over to ask her to step back. "I'm wondering about the blood coming out of its mouth," she explained.

What makes kids so strangely fascinated with gruesome and violent scenes? Is it pure bloodlust? And if that's all they care about in art, why do we bother to pollute their angelic little minds with it? Isn't art supposed to civilize them?

Throughout the Tiny Art Director project, and in after-school art classes I teach, I've noticed that cute, sweet stuff like puppies, ponies, and princesses definitely has a place in kids' hearts and minds, but what really gets them interested is blood, violence, death, and of course, the awesome creatures that cause all that destruction – dinosaurs, dragons, and monsters.

In one class we made a trading card game. The children invented characters including "Evil Death," "Evil Rain," and "Evil Pumpkin" each with creatively deadly powers (Evil Pumpkin rolls around and flattens people, and Evil Death poisons people by licking them). At one point, worrying that the deck was getting a little too murderous I suggested they also do some nice characters. They dutifully produced "Refreshing Raindrops" and "Heart Power (Loves everything and everyone)", but I felt that I had stifled their creativity.

Perhaps they were exploring the dark side in their drawings as a way of safely trying out dangerous ideas and gaining confidence and understanding of their place in the world. By drawing dinosaurs, dragons, and ninjas, they could feel powerful and be in control! By creating evil and deadly characters they could explore and come to terms with their own fears of death and violence.

My own Tiny Art Director often requests gruesome or violent pictures from me, such as the head of a princess poking out of a dragon's mouth, and although I don't always indulge her on these, I think I understand and don't get too disturbed by her morbid intensity. Once she asked me to paint her a duck and a crocodile.

As usual, she was disappointed in the result, but unlike some previous efforts (and despite my obvious intent), it wasn't because it was too scary. Her response was "You have to do it with him killing that bird." The picture failed because it missed the crucial moment and left us with a kind of Schrödinger's Duck – forever trapped in a state between life and death, always swimming away but never escaping or being eaten. Unlike Allegory of Faith this painting wouldn't come alive for her and couldn't teach her anything about life and death or her place in the world.

That day in the museum, after I finally got my moment of peace with The Milkmaid, I watched my daughter stare at the dying snake and tried to answer her questions. Eventually she became aware of the woman in the painting with her hand on her heart.

"What's that girl doing? Is she scared?"

I realized then that she was feeling brave and powerful for looking so closely at this scene, and didn't want to identify with a frightened character. Like with the kids in the after-school class art was lending Rosie its power. It reminded me of her comments about a collaboration that we had done previously featuring a T-Rex trying to eat a girl.

"I want her to be brave. She's not scared of one thing cause that's me and I'm not scared."


NEATOBAMBINO EXCLUSIVE: Want to get something really neat for Father's Day? Bill Zeman has kindly agreed to do a really neat NeatoBambino-exclusive contest, with the Grand Prize of an original sketch for your Father's Day gift and 4 signed copy of the Tiny Art Director book.

To enter leave a comment submitting a picture you'd like Bill to paint with some connection to the theme of fatherhood

One winner chosen by Bill will win the Grand Prize, and four others will win signed copy of the Tiny Art Director book, made out to your father's day gift recipients. Good luck!

Update 6/7/10 - simplified contest rules. UPdate 6/10/10 - contest winners! (Cross-posted at Neatorama)

Hello, Neatoramanauts! Thank you for participating in the Tiny Art Director contest on NeatoBambino earlier this week!

Congratulations to Wendy, CheeseThief, TheRhube and nepomuk who got signed copies of Bill Zeman's book Tiny Art Director.

The Grand Prize of a custom drawing went to Maceo24 who requested "A daddy and baby dragon picking their teeth with a devoured knight's sword. Armor can be laying on the ground and the baby dragon can be playing dress-up with the devoured princess' clothes."

Here's Bill rendition of the drawing:

Don't forget to visit Tiny Art Director - Thanks Bill!


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  1. mrshollysweet
    Jun 7th, 2010 at 3:31 pm

    Draw a father flamingo unsuccessfully helping a daughter flamingo stand on one leg without falling over… and children flamingos in the background snickering… and the snickering children flamingos are about to get eaten by a crocodile.

  2. nepomuk
    Jun 7th, 2010 at 4:28 pm

    1) My dad used to buy TV sets at Goodwill and the Salvation Army and then bring them home and sometimes fix them but mostly they’d just stack up until at one point we had 32 broken TV sets in our basement. I’d love to see a painting of an old guy in a big recliner surrounded by towering stacks of broken and repaired TV sets, half of which have opera on them and half of which have professional wrestling, which are my dad’s two favorite things to watch.

    2) Buckyballs

  3. mellieup
    Jun 7th, 2010 at 4:59 pm

    I’d like to see a daddy dragon teaching his daughter how to stalk princesses.

  4. Vonskippy
    Jun 7th, 2010 at 5:47 pm

    How about drawing a little warrior princess holding a long whip and a pointy stick, jabbing her cowering father as he scrubs off the crayon stick figures drawn on the dungeon wall?

  5. S-Way
    Jun 7th, 2010 at 6:47 pm

    How about a weary-looking hippo dad carrying a too-big-to-be-carried but happy hippo child on his shoulders. (I like mellieup’s dragon idea, too.)

  6. BrandoCommando
    Jun 7th, 2010 at 7:31 pm

    Darth Vader and Luke having a picnic, cutting food with lightsabers, and having just a jolly good time watchin’ the twin suns set on Tatooine.

  7. AdamExclamationPoint
    Jun 7th, 2010 at 8:58 pm

    Draw a badger in a tuxedo picking grapes for his lunchbox. And draw his lunchbox. Which is made of diamonds and grape bubblegum. Also make the tuxedo grape-colored.

  8. Ellie
    Jun 8th, 2010 at 2:04 am

    Here we’d want a Daddy dinosaur and a baby dinosaur, preferably keeping the anachronistic bears away.

  9. Maceo24
    Jun 8th, 2010 at 5:44 am

    A daddy and baby dragon picking their teeth with a devoured knight’s sword. Armor can be laying on the ground and the baby dragon can be playing dress-up with the devoured princess’ clothes.

  10. Chris W.
    Jun 8th, 2010 at 6:09 am

    How about two pirate kids gleefully making a daddy pirate walk the plank?

  11. Wendy
    Jun 8th, 2010 at 6:54 am

    An overtired dad sitting at a kid-sized table set for tea. His knees are scrunched up, his ass barely fits in the chair. His daughter is busily pouring tea, having a conversation with her dad and the dolls that are also in attendance. She’s not even looking at her dad, but is obviously happy in her task. She’s all dressed up with feather boa, gloves, the works. Dad is wearing some smeared on make up, glitter eye shadow and pink lipstick, a feather boa to match his daughter and to top it all off, he has a tiara on his head.

  12. Kaethe
    Jun 8th, 2010 at 6:58 am

    How about a daddy venomous snake teaching the baby snake just the right way to strike? With lots of blood and something dead.

  13. carolie
    Jun 8th, 2010 at 7:17 am

    A lion daddy with a camera around his neck and a shotgun on one arm, taking a walk in the woods with his daughter, who’s a badger. Maybe there are tiny human-face squirrels hiding in the trees, and the badger daughter is chewing on one of the human-face squirrels as a snack.

    Or…a Swiss Mountain dog (huge) and a tiny apricot poodle, watching their two children play — a bear on a unicycle and a flamingo in a tutu.

  14. AlexD
    Jun 8th, 2010 at 8:09 am

    Godzilla’s daddy is making him finish eating Tokyo before he can have his dessert.

  15. KillerBee
    Jun 8th, 2010 at 8:23 am

    Darth Vader using the force to feed Leia baby food and change Luke’s dirty diaper.

  16. Caroline
    Jun 8th, 2010 at 8:50 am

    A father slow loris with his child, gleefully playing a duet on their banjos. A crotchety, banjo-hating turtle is approaching them threateningly.

  17. JPM
    Jun 8th, 2010 at 9:28 am

    Maybe it’s already been done, but I’d love a picture of YOU drawing a picture, with your daughter near at hand looking grumpy and admonishing!

  18. DanoftheNorth
    Jun 8th, 2010 at 9:54 am

    Please draw two moody, grumpy little children sitting at the dinner table, staring angrily at their father. Their carefully prepared meals are untouched. The father is day-dreaming of a magical kind of “Kiddie Kibble” that requires no cooking and can be easily poured into their bowls from a huge 25 kg bag. (based on a true story).

    Thanks!

  19. Jenn the Hen
    Jun 8th, 2010 at 10:23 am

    My father always liked working in the yard yet what he really loves is fishing. When I was a young girl he would take me out fishing on the river. I wish I could give him a picture of a mechanical catfish/trout leaping over a surface of green grass that is almost like water. I’m sure he would love it and maybe it could help remind him of happier days.

  20. Duncan
    Jun 8th, 2010 at 10:32 am

    I’d like to see a little boy wearing his Dad’s suit of armour, carrying his Dad’s mace, riding his Dad’s Triceratops.

    Possibly with balding Dad looking on bemused.

  21. TheRhube
    Jun 8th, 2010 at 10:54 am

    A stork-pterodactyl hybrid delivering a newborn baby blood-thirsty raptor to the proudly waiting raptor dad.

  22. Brandi
    Jun 8th, 2010 at 10:55 am

    For as long as can remember, my dad has always had a garden in the summertime (in New Hampshire) full of tomatoes, squash, cucumbers, herbs, and more! He has a green thumb and has always grown wonderful things. I would love to see a dad working in his garden, with a little girl helping him.

  23. Kinswil55
    Jun 8th, 2010 at 10:57 am

    A small child shivering in a corner, paralyzed with fear; a bubble a bove her head shows a monster with another bubble of her thinking , “Here he comes”…but instead of the monster she pictures, a monster with the words “super Father” comes to rescue her. She NEVER has to go back to that evil house again. This can be done with animals, ppl,, monsters…whatever will get the point across, that sometimes you actually can be resued and live happily ever after!

  24. schibi
    Jun 8th, 2010 at 11:11 am

    an octopus dad trying to relax on father’s day, but his octopus children are keeping him from doing just that.
    (ex: writing on the walls with their ink, having a baby rattle in each of their arms, stuck in a bubble…endless possibilities your creative mind can create)

  25. Samantha
    Jun 8th, 2010 at 11:20 am

    A dad reading to his children at bedtime with various non-cuddly creatures and characters coming out of the book and wreaking mayhem, to the children’s delight.

  26. MaryOfDoom
    Jun 8th, 2010 at 11:44 am

    I’d love to see an artist’s depiction of the time my husband and father-in-law ripped a tree stump out of the front yard using only chainsaws and their Dodge Ram trucks.

    Oh, and it definitely involved lots and lots of beer.

  27. Rutty
    Jun 8th, 2010 at 11:46 am

    A menacing Gargoyle crouched on the corner of a cathedral keeping guard (as a Gargoyle will do) while 2 little gargoyles sit beside – the smaller of the two little gargoyles looking bored to tears, and the other, chubbier gargoyle kid, eating away at a broken-off chunk of the cathedral.

  28. CheeseThief
    Jun 8th, 2010 at 12:02 pm

    When I was five, my dad became a little annoyed by all the stuffed animals that I demanded every night to be told goodnight, kissed and tucked into bed with me. To try to wean me off them, he told me a story about a little girl who had hundreds of stuffed animals – lions, tigers, alligators, ect. One night she made a wish that they would all come to life. The next day, her parents went to go wake her up and amongst the piles of stuffed animals were a pile of her bones.

    This would honour all those times Dad’s say things with only the best intentions in mind, but don’t quite realize that it could produce an adverse reaction. Even though I had dreams about being eaten by teddy bears, I loved my dad for meaning well.

  29. SwimmingLizard
    Jun 8th, 2010 at 2:41 pm

    Here are the requests from my kids (7-year-old girl and 4.5-year-old boy):

    “Please paint princesses with pink dresses and golden hair and golden crowns with jewels. They should be dancing and have blue eyes and a smiley red mouth. Also pink slippers. They should be dancing at the ball. They’ll dance with the princes and then they’ll grow up and have babies and the princes will be daddies and the princesses will be mommies.”

    “I want a green daddy frog with trees all around it and the frog is climbing a tree because it’s a daddy tree frog. It should be on a Satsuma tree. A Satsuma tree is a tree that grows Satsumas on it. That’s a tropical fruit that grows in the tropical rainforest. The Slow Loris eats them.”

  30. Gillian
    Jun 8th, 2010 at 7:02 pm

    There aren’t enough evil scientists in the world. I would adore the animal of your choice, as an evil scientist, teaching his daughter how to destroy things.

  31. Manz
    Jun 8th, 2010 at 10:16 pm

    We have a really great picture of my husband and son together. They are both wearing stetson hats, one brown and one grey and are grinning at each other practically nose to nose. My son is wearing daddy’s hat, so it is far too big and is quite comical. I would love a drawing of this, changing them both to monkeys.

  32. xenos
    Jun 8th, 2010 at 10:44 pm

    a daddy dressing up their young child in what they think looks “good” for picture day because mom is away and left dad in charge. thus the child is wearing mismatched socks, pigtails askew, etc. and he is proud of his efforts while she i clearly not amused. have fun with it!

  33. robertl
    Jun 9th, 2010 at 12:55 am

    Everyone knows it’s cool to be just like dad so I think a great drawing would be…

    A daddy lion sneaking up on a gazelle next to a lion cubs sneaking up on a baby gazelles/a daddy lion eating a dead animal it just killed with lots of blood and guts and the lion cubs doing the same with smaller ones.

    If you’re going for more a sentimental, less bloody drawing, I always loved catching fireflies with my dad and I think a picture of that would be really nice. :)

  34. bz
    Jun 9th, 2010 at 6:00 am

    Wow there are some great entries up there and more than one I’d like to paint! All 5 winners will be announced on Neatorama hopefully tomorrow, depending on how fast I can paint the winning entry — thanks so much to everyone who participated!

    Bill Zeman

  35. Sherry
    Jun 9th, 2010 at 9:59 am

    A father and daughter watching a parade in small town America in the 70′s. Both have the same stance and same smile on their face. My dad died 2 years ago June 11. My favorite photo of us is in the Town Square after a parade, I don’t remember who took the picture but we are both looking straight at the camera smiling. The same smile, the same tilt of the head, the same stance with hands on hips. I was the chubbiest kid back then and hated it, but now I think I look adorable in that picture with my daddy. It represents father’s day to me. Daddy~daughter day making a memory.

  36. realgrim
    Jun 9th, 2010 at 2:24 pm

    I’d love a daddy lion helping paddle his nervous/excited little girl lion out into the waves on a surfboard. Nearby, his little boy lion is surfing like a champ, surrounded by happy dolphins.
    I come from a family of surfers and I think my dad would think this was awesome.

    I’d also really love a copy of the book!

  37. Nicole Scott
    Jun 10th, 2010 at 6:51 pm

    I want to see a baby newt raiding the fridge and the father newt telling him to close the door.

    We call my dad Newt.

    oh… and I love your blog. My brother sent me the link about a year ago and I’ve been following ever since. Great stuff.

  38. dpinkym1
    Jun 10th, 2010 at 11:13 pm

    I would like to see you draw a sea otter wearing a sombrero.

  39. Ron Price
    Jun 17th, 2010 at 6:19 am

    I’d like to see a baby rabbit riding piggy-back on her daddy (they could be pigs, too, come to think of it).

    She’s ordering him forward across a stream, jumping from the back of one crocodile to another. Dad is sweating and panicking while his daughter has the time of her life.

    I’d like to see the TAD version, too… A father rabbit painting furiously while his daughter in her princess crown glares at him with her arms crossed. She’s flanked by glaring, hungry-looking dragons, dinosaurs, and lions, who surround the dad and disapprove of his work as well.

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