Chuck Norris Protects Croatian Bakery From Burglars

1. Dayna
   May 6th, 2009 at 1:00 pm

   Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

2. Dayna
   May 6th, 2009 at 1:00 pm

   Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because he only recognizes the element of surprise.

3. Kalel
   May 6th, 2009 at 1:02 pm

   Chuck Norris shares a birthday with Osama bin Laden.

4. aaron
   May 6th, 2009 at 1:03 pm

   Chuck Norris counted to infinity...twice.

5. Gauldar
   May 6th, 2009 at 1:05 pm

   Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.

6. Captison
   May 6th, 2009 at 1:06 pm

   Pluto is actually an orbiting group of British soldiers from the American Revolution who entered space after the Chuck gave them a roundhouse kick to the face.

7. Gauldar
   May 6th, 2009 at 1:07 pm

   Chuck Norris doesn't wear a condom because there is no protection from Chuck Norris.

8. drukus
   May 6th, 2009 at 1:09 pm

   Baking related:
   Chuck Norris does not knead, he pummels.
   or perhaps
   Even unleavened bread rises in the presence of Chuck Norris.

9. MadMolecule
   May 6th, 2009 at 1:12 pm

   Chuck Norris's tears can cure cancer. Unfortunately, Chuck Norris never cries.

   ("Borrowed" from my brother.)

10. chrome
    May 6th, 2009 at 1:18 pm

    the bakers briefly switched the bear claws with "chuck norris claws" how ever the lack of survivors ran down business.

11. chrome
    May 6th, 2009 at 1:20 pm

    Upon breaking into the baker the thieves found them selves round house kicked into a couple of sour dough loafs.

12. Kev
    May 6th, 2009 at 1:26 pm

    While everyone is thinking about all kinds of fake fun facts in adulation of this idiot, here's a real one:

    Chuck Norris an anti-science religious extremist who thinks that your children should be taught his religion in school, and that the government should legislate morality under the guiding hand of the church.

13. meaghen
    May 6th, 2009 at 1:30 pm

    When Chuck Norris's shit hits the fan, the fan breaks!

14. Agnot
    May 6th, 2009 at 1:31 pm

    Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

15. Kalel
    May 6th, 2009 at 1:32 pm

    But my fun fact is true!

16. Christophe
    May 6th, 2009 at 1:35 pm

    Chuck Norris is not in the Earth's gravitational field : the Earth is in Chucks Norris'.

    (Kev: that would explain his "anti-science" stance )

17. CheeseDuck
    May 6th, 2009 at 1:55 pm

    If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.

18. drukus
    May 6th, 2009 at 1:58 pm

    Also important to note, Kev is a buzzkill.

19. uncleputts
    May 6th, 2009 at 1:58 pm

    Chuck Norris remembers back in the day when it was just called "horsing around" instead of sodomy.

20. One Bad Mother
    May 6th, 2009 at 2:23 pm

    Saddam Hussein was not found hiding in a "hole." Saddam was roundhouse-kicked in the head by Chuck Norris in Kansas, which sent him through the earth, stopping just short of the surface of Iraq.

21. Mr. Jones
    May 6th, 2009 at 2:30 pm

    My favorites:

    Chuck Norris doesn't sleep. He waits.

    Chuck Norris never pays taxes. He simply sends a picture of himself to the IRS of him crouching in an attack stance.

22. Emily L
    May 6th, 2009 at 2:39 pm

    Chuck Norris makes onions cry.

23. Dj Circus Chimp
    May 6th, 2009 at 2:44 pm

    Chuck Norris is one eighth Cherokee. This has nothing to do with his ancestry. He once ate an entire Indian.

24. Buhandi
    May 6th, 2009 at 2:57 pm

    There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.

25. TBV
    May 6th, 2009 at 3:05 pm

    Chuck Norris can't be irradiated, because he has no half life. With him, it's ALL or NOTHING.

26. RBD
    May 6th, 2009 at 3:11 pm

    Those aren't monsters under your bed; it's Chuck Norris.

27. neuralien
    May 6th, 2009 at 3:29 pm

    Google won't search for Chuck Norris because it knows you don't find Chuck Norris, he finds you

28. Caroline
    May 6th, 2009 at 4:42 pm

    Chuck Norris can eat just one Lay's potato chip.

29. Jessica
    May 6th, 2009 at 4:46 pm

    The boogie man looks under his bed for Chuck Norris.

30. Oomi
    May 6th, 2009 at 4:48 pm

    Chuck Norris Action Jeans make your testicles larger.

31. Oomi
    May 6th, 2009 at 4:48 pm

    Chuck Norris sues, says his tears no cancer cure.

32. seefish3
    May 6th, 2009 at 5:08 pm

    Contact with Chuck Norris' chest hairs is the real reason for Bruce Lee's untimely death.

33. Thomas
    May 6th, 2009 at 5:21 pm

    Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect-4 in only 3 moves.

34. Pancake Man
    May 6th, 2009 at 5:53 pm

    Chuck Norris and Superman once arm wrestled. The loser had to wear his underwear on the outside.

35. TeaFizz
    May 6th, 2009 at 6:23 pm

    -Superman has a Chuck Norris poster on his wall.

    -When Chuck Norris falls in the water, he does not get wet, the water gets Chuck Norris.

    -Under Chuck Norris' beard there is no chin, only another fist.

    -Chuck Norris actually died twenty five years ago, it's just that Death hasn't had the courage to tell him.

    -Chuck Norris once had a wet dream in the cab of a semi truck. That truck is now known as Optimus Prime.

36. Lew A
    May 6th, 2009 at 6:26 pm

    Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

37. Sidd
    May 6th, 2009 at 6:37 pm

    Chuck Norris is all 99 of Jay-z's problems.

38. jimi12
    May 6th, 2009 at 6:40 pm

    Chuck Norris once visited The Virgin Islands. They are now known as The Islands.

39. mike r baker
    May 6th, 2009 at 6:47 pm

    Chuck Norris' buns of steel crush those that steal buns.

40. Chrome
    May 6th, 2009 at 7:02 pm

    Remember the Soviet Union? They decided to quit after watching a DeltaForce marathon on Satellite TV.

    Later,
    Chrome...

41. marvin
    May 6th, 2009 at 7:58 pm

    Chuck Norris can speak braille.

42. matt
    May 6th, 2009 at 8:39 pm

    Chuck Norris counted to infinity. TWICE.

    When Chuck Norris does pushups, he doesnt really push himself up, he pushes the world down.

    Chuck Norris can go to a burger king and ask for a big mac and actually receive one.

    Chuck Norris sat behind Jesus in third Grade

    Chuck Norris can make a plane explode by just pointing at it and say bang

43. Him
    May 6th, 2009 at 9:07 pm

    If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.

    There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.

    Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

44. Eatintea
    May 6th, 2009 at 9:34 pm

    The red phone on the desk of the United States president is a direct line to Chuck Norris.

45. deyey
    May 6th, 2009 at 9:35 pm

    Neatorama once tried to post a full article dedicated to Chuck Norris ... the server crashed due to awesomeness...

    ...thus Neatorama can only post "mentions" of Chuck Norris.

46. Bill
    May 6th, 2009 at 9:39 pm

    Chuck Norris doesn't wear guns, guns wear Chuck Norris.

47. Michelle
    May 6th, 2009 at 9:39 pm

    Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.

48. Him
    May 6th, 2009 at 9:52 pm

    Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.

    (Sorry, didn't realize that others had used the facts I had.)

49. DoodeeDoo
    May 6th, 2009 at 11:06 pm

    People say that Chuck norris is the right hand of god the truth is god is the left hand of chuck norris

50. QuarterRoy00
    May 6th, 2009 at 11:22 pm

    When Chuck Norris resets his computer, he only hold down Alt-Delete because he is always in Control

51. Kiddlemidd
    May 6th, 2009 at 11:50 pm

    Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

52. Ned
    May 7th, 2009 at 1:40 am

    Chuck Norris was making out one time and accidentally caught a woman on fire.

53. Nesta
    May 7th, 2009 at 2:40 am

    There was not a nuclear power in Chernobyl, Chuck Norris was going over there

54. Nemke
    May 7th, 2009 at 3:00 am

    Chuck Norris creates .EXE from UML models.(c) by me

    Chuck Norris doesn't wait for Holidays, they wait for him.

55. PJ
    May 7th, 2009 at 4:29 am

    he hands out a no-risk check.

56. Joseq
    May 7th, 2009 at 4:31 am

    He's good with short cuts e.g. Ctrl+Br

57. Son of Chuck
    May 7th, 2009 at 10:02 am

    That Bakery doesn't need to use yeast to make its bread rise, they just threaten the dough with the wrath of Chuck

58. Camolai
    May 7th, 2009 at 11:19 am

    Chuck Norris doesn't own stove, oven, or microwave because revenge is a dish best served cold.

59. Bob Garon
    May 7th, 2009 at 12:44 pm

    The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

60. minnmax
    May 7th, 2009 at 12:52 pm

    Chuck Norris doesn't dance, he roundhouse kicks to the beat.

61. Pwnz de Leon
    May 7th, 2009 at 1:14 pm

    The Large Hadron Collider was actually built to simulate what happens at the atomic level during an impact from a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick, not the big bang.

62. HYPERseal
    May 7th, 2009 at 3:01 pm

    Chuck Norris can win Connect Four in 3 moves.

63. Dev
    May 7th, 2009 at 3:39 pm

    Chuck Norris once at an entire cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper inside.

64. Poozle
    May 7th, 2009 at 3:42 pm

    Instead of having a cigarette after sex, Chuck Norris heads outside and brands his cattle.

65. Not Me
    May 7th, 2009 at 3:52 pm

    This one is so wrong, but I haven't heard one to top it yet:

    When Chuck Norris was a child, he molested his own uncle.

66. Alon
    May 7th, 2009 at 3:53 pm

    If Chuck Norris somehow went back in time and fought himself, he'd win.

67. Bunk Strutts
    May 7th, 2009 at 4:57 pm

    Chuck Norris can hack into any computer system by merely pressing "Enter."

68. stefanie
    May 8th, 2009 at 1:49 pm

    ---Chuck Norris can unscramble an egg

    ---Leading hand sanitizers kill 99% of germs and bacteria, Chuck Norris kills 100% of whatever the f*@% he wants.

69. Thomas
    May 8th, 2009 at 2:30 pm

    @ Not Me, #65:

    I've got one even worse than that.

    Chuck Norris likes his women like he likes his whiskey -- 12 years old and mixed up with coke.

    I know it doesn't play into the whole "chuck is a god" kind of image, but its still pretty wrong.

70. bmpryde
    May 8th, 2009 at 4:26 pm

    Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.

71. kaboos
    May 9th, 2009 at 7:45 am

    Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.  

72. Tanya Kennedy
    May 9th, 2009 at 4:11 pm

    What does Chuck Norris do on his day off? Goes to Split, Croatia to bake some "kolache". On his off days he is a metrosexual.

73. Shannon G
    May 9th, 2009 at 6:45 pm

    Chuck Norris could stop global warming by standing at the north pole and freezing everything in his shadow but there is no ass to kick up there.

74. gambit
    May 11th, 2009 at 4:25 pm

    -Chuck Norris once attended a frat party and proceeded to roundhouse kick every popped collar in sight
    -Similar to a Russian nesting dolls, if you were to break open Chuck Norris, you would find another Chuck Norris inside, only angrier.
    -Before going on stage, Chuck Norris breaks somebody else's leg for good luck.
    -The only person who cried when Chuck Norris was born was the doctor. NEVER slap Chuck Norris.
    -He can grate Parmesan cheese with his beard.

75. Wee Gran
    May 14th, 2009 at 3:05 pm

    Darth Vader whimpers when Luke Skywalker THINKS about Chuck Norris.

76. scigoblin
    July 2nd, 2009 at 12:28 am

    Chuck Norris CAN, in fact, touch MC Hammer!

77. Sergio Solis
    August 19th, 2009 at 9:42 pm

    Chuck Norris doesnt eat eggs for breakfast he cracks open diamonds and eat the inside

78. Sergio Solis
    August 19th, 2009 at 9:43 pm

    He also had a staring contest with MEDUSA and WON!!

79. devin bradley
    September 1st, 2009 at 10:53 am

    when chuck norris has sex with a man it is not because he is gay it is because he has run out of women

80. devin bradley
    September 1st, 2009 at 10:54 am

    crop circles arent aliens there just chuck norris's way of sayin that sometimes corn needs to lay down

81. devin bradley
    September 1st, 2009 at 10:56 am

    chuck norris and mr.T walked into a bar the bar immediately exploded because one building can not contain that level of awesome

82. devin bradley
    September 1st, 2009 at 10:57 am

    there are no races only groups of people hat chuck norris has beaten to varios shades of black and blue

83. quack
    November 10th, 2009 at 3:46 am

    chuck norris once lost a game of chess to Mr.T....in retaliation he created racism.

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