This is a pocket fidget, it's made in China for discrete fidgeting. I have one, I use it to fidget, obviously. Some advice with the use of this pocket fidget: you should really heed the warning on the packaging about recommended fidget allowances because I got a blister on my thumb from fidgeting it through a really long boring meeting once. It is great for use at bus stops. All in all, this is a suitable, discrete fidget for the fidgeter on the go. I recommend it.

Metal Neatorama, black XL

Hey, that's my dumb-thunker. It is a valuable tool for a professor to have, although mine is a little out of date. It has my initials on it, an M and a W...when someone says something exceptionally stupid in class I thunk them on the head twice, once with each side, then the rest of the professors and students know who called them out. Every professor has one, although not everyone uses it judiciously...I have known some Philosophy teachers to just thunk everyone on their way into class to prove a point, and some overly-kind science teachers who seriously believe that "there are no stupid questions" ...I know, right? The newer models (I really need to update mine, some of the students are making fun of how retro it is) have unified initial plates, for single thunk marking (that would save sooo much time, plus you wouldn't have to chase down the "runners" who try to dodge the second thunk), and there's even a new line of laser "thunks" that I don't exactly understand because there is no thunking involved and the student feels little more than a tingly burn when the laser thunk is activated. Call me old school, but I think it should hurt just a little bit. How else are they going to learn to keep their dumb comments and questions to themselves?

Metal Neatorama, Black, XL

It's the all-spark!

Neatorama Metal, Black, XL

That is a Fancy Poking Stick so you can poke in style. I saw it in _SkyMall_ From Hammacher Schlemmer, $299.99.

Neatorama Metal Black XL

That is a standard, garden variety thin-gauged double-twanged steel kajigger. It is used for prying the whatzits from the hey-nows, if you want to get technical. Although there is a specialized triple-twanger kajigger for left hand calibrated hey-nows, you seldom see one in day to day whatzit prying use. Most hey-nows are now standardized for left and right hand calibration.

Neatorama Metal, Men's XL

Those are professional grade dingus-bobbers for determining standard dingus trajectories. Not for use by amateurs dingus determiners--operators must be licensed.

Comma Sutra, Navy, Men's Medium

A epithelial and parietal flange ratchet for a ophthalmic socket tightener necessitated by autonomous sternutation.
(It goes on your head and holds yer eyeballs in when you sneeze.)

National Sarcasm Society, Red, XL

@meiao stole my answer. :(

Ermegerd! Ders is nerht Gersebermps. Snehrrs!

Squirrel with Mixed Nuts - 3D Magnets

Pimp cup of Zeus. Why did they bury the handle?

Voices in my Head: Hotel California, XL, Kelly Green

Pimps up, Hos down, yo!

Someone already beat me to the correct answer, but they didn't use the proper term. Officially this is a nut butler.

Skull and Crossbones, XXL, Red

It's a dingus dowser for dowsing dinguses.

Skull and Crossbones, red, XL

It's for squirting lemon juice in life's (or anyone's) eye. Insert half, squeeze, shout "Give me lemons, will you?" then run away.

Skull and Crossbones, XL, Cardinal Red

This is one of the most useful tools in history and has been adapted from its historical use and origins into a modern-day necessity.

Historically, in the Wild West, before our modern-day breathalyzers and dabnabit doohickies, this handy contraption helped constables and deputies collect evidence of RHUIs (Riding Horse Under the Influence). The curved part would be placed on the rider's head, they'd be asked to sit up straight in the saddle and the lawman would measure the degree of pitch forward or backward the drunken SOB was off by. Someone slumped over their horse and hanging on for dear life, or someone passed out backwards over their saddle, would be off the charts on the pitch scale, and put up in the hoosegow to redd up.

Currently it is used by _American Idol_ Judge Randy Jackson to indicate the degree of how "pitchy" a singer is. He places the curved bit on his head and if he has to hang his head in shame or look at the sky in frustration then the singer is most definitely a "little pitchy, dude."

"I'm Irish--I only look Sweet..." XL, Black, Mens

-Incidentally, my cousin did get a DUI on a horse once, but this tool was not used to detect her state of inebriation...her falling off the horse as it wandered unguided home from the bar pretty much did that. HA HA! We're Irish!

That's an early modified hand-held version of a lobo (lobotomizer) from the zombie wars. You thwack the head with the pointy bit to destroy the brain, then you use the flat bit to chop it off. The roundy bit is for if your buddy gets his pointy bit stuck in a zombie brain...which it will. They made the handle longer later, because who wants to get within biting range?

Your Cell Phone makes you Twice...Men's S, Dark Grey