~Illustration by: Carnilius R~ "I'll hold you, but just for tonight" - hair spray - @CuddlyNinja...

~Illustration by: Kevin Coffee~ A REAL smart phone would autoerase your ex's phone number. - @wwwesty...

When a man can't open a jar, he has to throw it away and never speak of it again. - @yoyoha...

~Illustration by: Matt Lassen~ I'm not "addicted" to my phone - you're boring. - @juliussharpe...

Match.com should really be a website for finding the other sock. - @charliepantzz...

~Illustration by: Kevin Coffee~ There’s nothing like your first romantic kiss, except maybe your first romantic kiss with another person…so I’ve heard. - @Xytrex...

~Illustration by: Emily Niland~ Gotta say, Huz's sexy when he's screaming like a lunatic for me to stop tweeting and help in the garden. He's also a raging delusionist. - @tackie_jackie...

~Illustration by: Greg Smith~ "Not in my backyard!" Wait--was someone trying to be gay in your backyard?? - @SarahKSilverman...

Sometimes I wonder why I'm still single. Then I look down and see that I'm wearing socks and sandals and suddenly everything makes sense - @OneLinersPlus...

~Illustration by: Kevin Coffee~ I never go to strip clubs. If I want to see a girl who won't have sex with me and is just there for the money, I'll stay home with the wife.- @nirvana68...