~Illustrated by Joy and Noelle of Twins Are Weird~ If you draw a bunch of X’s on the ground, every once in a while a lazy pirate will bury his gold under one of them. @GuyEndoreKaiser...

~Illustrated by: @LisaAnnWilson~ Toaster settings: No.1: "I do nothing." No.2: "I do nothing." No.3: "I do nothing." No.4: "I SET BREAD ON FIRE!" @Schmoodles...

"Let's sleep in when we can't sleep in, and not sleep in when we can sleep in" - children @yoyoha...

Proverbs are just vintage tweets  @jessicasrcook

what was that, dudes, you can pee standing up? sorry i couldn't hear you over the sound of my 6th orgasm @jdelwoo...

"Let's tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever." -God making scorpions  @trevso_electric...

I had an hour to kill so I watched the last two minutes of a basketball game today @ryaninco...

What's the right age to tell a film that it's adapted?  @jenstatsky...

The world won't change until there's a tampon commercial where the girls are all curled up on couches and angrily drinking wine. @kellyoxford...

Tonight: Trump v. Murdoch. May the worst man win. - @TheDailyShow...