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Seven Of The Worst Toys Ever Made - Vintage Edition

In a perfect world we got the toys we wanted for our birthdays and holidays like Christmas when we were young, but since there's no such thing as a perfect world we often got really crappy toys instead.

These toys were close enough to the toys we actually wanted that our friends and family members felt they made fine presents, but the look of disappointment on our faces as we opened them said it all.

1. Drippy the Runny-Nose-Kid Doll (1967)-

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Every kid grew up with a friend whose nose was perpetually running, or else they themselves were the snotty associate, but for those rare few who never had the pleasure there's Drippy the Runny Nose Kid.

Drippy came in both boy and girl models, with the only real difference being the dress and the hair, and Drippy showed that both sexes are equally disgusting when they're young.

2. American Man "Action" Figure (1973)-

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To call American Man anything but a flat farce posing as an action figure would be a lie, because he's really just a glorified paper doll.

And yet somehow American Man was supposed to spark a child's imagination, because with his press-on clothing and accessories he can be an athlete, sportsman and trooper while standing very still at all times.

Something tells me American Man never outsold good old G.I. Joe!

3. Milky the Marvelous Milking Cow (1977)-

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Kids naturally wonder what it would feel like to milk a cow, and Milky The Marvelous Milking Cow doesn't really help much at all.

Milky dips her head down and drinks water, then kids can pull on her plastic teats and supposedly get the feel for milking a heifer without all those farm smells and mess.

And yet Milky was a massive flop, because despite Kenner's claims kids didn't really care for milking tiny plastic cows.

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4. The Infaceables (1984)-

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Action figures all start out as small sculptures, original 3D artwork that makes good series' like Thundercats and He-Man stand out and terrible series' like The Infaceables fade into the shadows of obscurity.

The Infaceables look like the toymakers took parts from different toy lines, such as G.I. Joe and He-Man, and slapped them together with a bogus "face changing" action. Oh, and they stuck a fork to one guy's stump of a leg and called him a cyborg.

I certainly wouldn't have wanted to face the disappointment of receiving The Infaceables as a gift!

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5. Superman Justice Jogger (1987)-

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The Man Of Steel doesn't really need a mode of transportation seeing as how he can fly "faster than a speeding bullet" and all, but back in the 1980s toy makers like Kenner decided every action figure needed a vehicle.

Enter the Superman Justice Jogger, an "Overland Villain Chaser" with "Power Stepping Action", basically a stupid wind up toy Superman can sit in when he's feeling lazy. Super Powers indeed!

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6. Daddy Saddle (1965)-

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The Daddy Saddle is a hilarious concept that seems like it would make a fun toy, but they probably should have called it the Doggy Saddle or Sofa Saddle because Daddy can't be saddled for long.

The Daddy on the box looks like the kinda guy who just finished up a ten hour day at the ol' Asbestos Factory and just wants to smoke his pipe and read his paper.

Now he's got a kid strapped to his back and will soon be addicted to painkillers, thanks Daddy Saddle!

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7. Star Raiders (198?)-


Some rip-off toys are so far gone in terms of design that it's impossible to tell which series they're ripping off, but the Star Raiders action figure line by Tomland was clearly ripping off Star Wars.

But in their twisted version of Star Wars the Wookiee warrior Chewbacca is a platypus faced thing called Flash, an evil helmeted Vader wannabe named Grand, and a human cool guy named Dral.

Luckily, Star Wars was having trouble finding a toy licensor at the time so gentle rip-offs like Star Raiders were allowed to carry on sharing their crappy view of outer space with the young ones.

These crappy toys may have ruined our childhoods, but ironically many of them are actually worth money these days due to their rarity, so they might actually redeem themselves when you sell them on eBay!


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