Tales from the Fireworks Tent

Redditor FredFltStn operates a seasonal fireworks tent. He occasionally posts stories about customers: some are touching, some are funny, and some make you despair for the future of mankind. Here's a good one:

We offer an unconditional no dud guarantee on everything we sell. Basically, if it doesn't work, bring it back and we'll replace it or give you your money back. We occasionally have items returned, but it doesn't happen very often.

The morning after NYE, one of our regulars showed up for a return. He was moving pretty slow and was nursing an obvious hangover. He wanted to return our 16,000 firecracker roll because it was a dud. He was pretty bummed, since this was supposed to be the big midnight finale at his friends house.

I was immediately confused, since I have no idea how 16,000 firecrackers could have all been bad. I told him we would take care of it and asked him if it had gotten wet. He told me that it just wouldn’t light, no matter how hard they tried, and it was in the back of his car if we wanted to check it out.

Now this particular roll is packaged to look like a giant firecracker, with a piece of rope coming out of the top to simulate a fuse, like this. At the base of the rope are pictures and written directions explaining how to unwrap the package to get to the real fuse. You can then roll it out, so the firecrackers go off individually, or light it as a bundle, with all 16,000 firecrackers going off in about a minute.

To prove his point, he pulled out his phone to show my dad and I a video they had taken of him trying to light it. In the video, he was obviously LOADED, and was stumbling around with a lighter trying to light THE PIECE OF GREEN ROPE! I could hear people laughing in the background and egging him on, as they had filmed him trying to drunkenly light a piece of rope for 5 minutes. As we’re watching the video, I’m dying inside, and trying to think of a nice way to tell him what his mistake was. Suddenly, he paused the video, slowly looked up at us and said,

CUST: That’s not really the fuse is it.

ME: (Starting to chuckle) Nope.

CUST: Those Bastards!

ME: (Dying laughing now) Look, I’ll give you your money back AND give you another one for free if you’ll send me that video.

I think he considered it for a second, but then he figured out that I was DEFINITELY going to post the video on my website. Hell, I’d have given him triple his money back for a copy of that video. He quickly hit the delete button and shook his head no. I tried to give him his money back, but he wouldn’t accept it. He asked us to check out the firecracker roll in his car to make sure it was still good, and my dad walked out to check on it with him.

My dad was laughing when he walked back into the tent, and let me in on the joke. After my dad had peeled back the paper and showed the guy where the real fuse was, the guy thanked my dad and casually mentioned his plans. He was now on his way to buy a big metal garbage can, and then planned to stop by his friend’s house to say good morning.

Don't you wish that video still existed somewhere? Check out more Tales from a Fireworks Tent. -via Metafilter

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