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This is How I Link Science Articles

This is the opening paragraph, where I tell you about a scientific study in as few words as possible to get you interested. I also need to gather up and condense any information that isn't contained in an easily-copied quote.
This paragraph elaborates on the claim, adding weasel-words like "the scientists say" to shift responsibility for establishing the likely truth or accuracy of the research findings on to absolutely anybody else but me, the journalist.

If the quoted paragraphs are from different parts of the article, I will put a sentence here to separate them.
In this paragraph I will reference or quote some minor celebrity, historical figure, eccentric, or a group of sufferers; because my editors are ideologically committed to the idea that all news stories need a "human interest", and I'm not convinced that the scientists are interesting enough.

Down here I might try to answer the obvious question from someone who isn't going to go read the linked article, then I suggest you go to the link and read the rest. Clicking this link will take you to the original article -via reddit

This comment questions whether the subject of this article is 'neat' or actually just objectionable, as it has offended my delicate sensibilities.
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This is where I bemoan the fact the two previous comments were mostly off-topic in the hope that it will spur more debate, yet fail utterly as I also have not referred to the original topic.
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Here is the comment that makes up for the previous comments and the lack of any topic at all so far and simply adds more no topic comments on top
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Now I must completely digress, insult the previous commentators, and mindlessly rail against the conspiracy that promotes climate change.
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This is the comment where I come along late and look at the post after most people have already commented and post something attempting to be witty but isn't.
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This is the comment where, long after the original post, I provide links to other studies disagreeing with the article, footnoted by a smug, self-righteous quip.
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I'll follow up this thread by agreeing with every other consecutive thread (with the exception of John's), and add to it by saying that I AM A BANANA!
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In this comment I will encourage male readers to visit my website and purchase homeopathic products to enhance masculinity, satisfy lovers, and increase overall sex appeal.
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@thelandlord

Due to your overzealous grammar expectations, I shall invoke Godwin's Law and state your efforts to be those of the Nazis.
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This is the comment that takes the argument to the next boring level, citing various studies (researchers et al., 2006) and then going off on a tangent so that it ends up way off track.

I will probably point out various flaws in the methodology of the various studies cited by the research article.

I will comment on all the comments made so far, no matter how irrelevant, disagreeing with the bulk of them, but being sure to mention that one or two of the previous commenter have made good points n order to let everyone know that I am not just arguing for the sake of arguing (which I am).

Perhaps I will even somehow manage to link the research article to an irrelevant yet controversial topic such as the banning of the burqua in order to incite more arguing. I will then save this page to my favourites and revisit it frequently, viciously defending my arguments to anyone who dares question my logic.

I do not know the meaning of conciseness. My comment is multiple paragraphs long and as a result most people will never read it.
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