Squirrel Underpants Problem (Help!)

I'd like to think that we have a pretty good customer service here at Neatorama, so I was shocked - shocked! - to read that Deborah and Wayne are unhappy about a product they bought.

They sent us this email (underlined links are mine, otherwise, it's a copypasta. Yes, I really did get this email)

26450 Ruether Ave. #202
Santa Clarita, CA 91350

Regarding order #105174

To Whom It May Concern:

Thank you for the prompt shipment of our order. The giant microbe plush toys far exceeded our wildest expectations. The brain cell is a sensuously soft tactile treat, and the Darwin and Einstein action figures are much as expected. We would not hesitate to recommend the service and products of your site to anyone, save for one glaring exception:

The squirrel underpants leave us beyond disappointed. Upon turning over the package, we discovered, much to our initial confusion (which quickly turned to horror and revulsion) that the garment lacks the requisite squirrel tail hole. What, if not a tail hole would distinguish squirrel underpants from, say, doll underpants or (gasp) guinea pig pants? Neither the packaging, nor indeed the description on your site gave us any indication that these would not be fully functional underwear for intact squirrels. Ninety seven percent of the squirrels on whom we tried these undergarments appeared to agree that they were uncomfortable.

Here on the East Coast, we do not dock the tails of our squirrels. Having spent some time on the west coast, we feel sure that we would have noticed all of the squirrels running about missing their tails, but then again, we lived in Northern California, where the squirrels, like so many of their human counterparts, choose to go au natural. We understand that “tucking” is a common practice in SoCal; Connecticut squirrels, however, rarely dress in full drag on the front lawn. This seems to be a case of Southern California cosmetic surgery run amok, if you and the manufacturer of this item are assuming that all underwear-wearing squirrels are “fixed” in this manner. Perhaps you would consider amending the description to clarify that these squirrel underpants are not suitable for unaltered squirrels.

Fortunately, we know a number of dolls and guinea pigs who would benefit from a sense of modesty, so we will be keeping these so-called squirrel underpants, as it is not worth the cost of postage to return them to you.

Good day, Sir
Deborah and Wayne

Now, I must say that nearly all Southern California squirrels that I'm familiar with do appear to have some sort of cosmetic enhancement (after all, we're no that far from Hollywood ...)

I'm sure you all agree that this letter needs answerin' and pronto. So, to tap the wisdom of the Web, let me turn this over to you, dear Neatoramanauts. What would be your response to Deborah and Wayne and their Connecticut squirrels if you were to write a reply?

Let's make this a bit more interesting: the best one gets a free novelty ice tray of their choice (and for good measure, we'll send the same one to Deb & Wayne for being very cool about the whole underpants business)

Update 7/26/09 - Congratulations to lunarmagpie who won this round!

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While Senormysterioso has submitted the perfect response, it does not fulfill the mission of a Good Salesman" which is not to sell what we make, but rather to sell what we made.
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Dearest Debbie and Wayne,

While we are dismayed to learn you are not completely satisfied we must request that you refer to the products original packaging. Specifically, please refer to the image prominently displayed on the front of the item card, and using this as a guide, note the proper fit of the squirrel underpants. The squirrel shown has indeed tucked his tail, but not between his legs. Instead his tail is eased up between his back and the garment in a way that is meant to suggest style and flair, not cross dressing as you suggest.

Most Sincerely,
The Neatorama Staff.
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Dear Debbie and Wayne,

Let me direct you to a grommet site:
Good luck and sorry for the inconvenience. Our design error simply reflects the consequences of our "no animal testing" policy.

Team Neatorama
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Dear Deborah and Wayne:

Enclosed please find one genetically altered squirrel with no tail. This should solve your dilemma. Be careful, she is pregnant and due any day. Also, please feed her, she has had a long trip. She likes nuts like you.


Yous very truly,

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