Bad Fiction Winners 2009

Yes, in the midst of sweet, sunny, sweltering, early-summer days, with the gnats swirling around your head and the bees singing their bzzzzy song, the incomparable results of the annual Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest have risen from the depths of a writer's dark and stormy mind to torture readers yet again. And if you think that sentence was bad, you should read this year's winning entry:

"Folks say that if you listen real close at the height of the full moon, when the wind is blowin' off Nantucket Sound from the nor' east and the dogs are howlin' for no earthly reason, you can hear the awful screams of the crew of the "Ellie May," a sturdy whaler Captained by John McTavish; for it was on just such a night when the rum was flowin' and, Davey Jones be damned, big John brought his men on deck for the first of several screaming contests."

That gem was written by 55-year-old David McKenzie of Federal Way, Washington. Honors also go to runner-up Warren Blair of Ashburn, Virginia and winners in various fiction categories.

From the Upcoming ueue, submitted by Allivymar.

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wrote this in a class on cigarettes, and was getting tired of writing...

While the inherent risks associated with each of these vary, and though addicts of these media of self-gratification are motivated by different and unique goals, one claim does seem to envelop the colloquial and academic usage of the word addiction: a cause-and-effect model is consistently present among those considered (dialectically or medicinally) to be addicted, wherein the cause is the literal act of instigating the reward, whether it is the accomplishment of decimating the mighty Big Mac or the simple reward of watching a joint bank account wither away according to a wife’s impulsive purchases made while the husband toils away at his dead-end, middle-management job in hopes of filling the impressive void forged by the plastic-wielding lady of the house.
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"Grammar Nazis" are those pesky people who can actually write and read correctly and demand the same from others, right? If so, thank God they exist, otherwise every single bad writer out there would defend himself as being simply a victim of "poor editing".
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