Contest: Besieged by Zombies at the NeatoShop



It's May, 2011 in sunny Santa Clarita, California. A gentle breeze is rolling in from the sea, adding a nice cool to the air on your face. It'd be a wonderful day to go down to the beach, or a hike in the mountains. You'd might consider doing either, but you're surrounded by a horde of the undead while inside the NeatoShop warehouse.

The fall of civilization came surprisingly quickly, as most people simply refused to divert their attention from petty concerns while the infection spread. You, too, were distracted by silly things, like the newest Rebecca Black video and Charlie Sheen's astonishing career comeback.

Now it's too late to make serious preparations. You'll just have to improvise from materials in your current location -- the warehouse serving the NeatoShop retailing empire.

What will you do? You came without so much as a rock in your pocket and now must survive using only the contents of the warehouse.

This is a contest. Look through the contents of the 'Shop and devise materials that you'll need to survive -- improvised weapons, water filters, medical equipment, cook stoves -- anything that you'll need to see through the end of this dark chapter in human history.

Leave the description your improvised survival tool in the comments. The most inventive/funniest/silliest will win your choice of any item under $25 from the NeatoShop, and several runners-up will win a t-shirt of their choice!

When you enter the description of your survival implement(s), be sure to also provide the name of the item that you want if you win. Please make sure that you provide a selection or your entry will not be considered.

(Original image credit: Flickr user theogeo)

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My top three picks from the NeatoShop would be...

1. Critical Hit: LED Flashing D20 Die - for the moments when in a group setting and volunteers are not forthcoming for chores like carnage cleanup.

2. Credit card survival tool - because all-in-one tools always come in handy

3. Zombie mints - essential when meeting new people, especially if re-populating the world is needed

Totem Salt and Pepper Shaker - oOps, impulse buy ;-D

If I win: I would like the Remote Control Zombie
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First I'd use boxes of items I'm not gonna use to help barricade the doors. Then grab some of the Hand Charge Pig Flashlights. So when the power goes I've got something to help me see. Im good on food since I have Raman, like the Din Din Fuk Chow and Hello Lazy. (Don't have to cook it to eat it) and I've got plenty of energy drinks and Tru Blood Beverages to wash it down with. I also have some Stay Puff Caffinated Marshmellows to help keep me going, so I can ration out the other energy drinks. I can use the hand sanitizers, like the germaphobe one, to help since running water might become an issue, and I don't want to get all germy. After changing into some new Instant Underpants, cause come on it's the zombie holocaust, I think I'm gonna need a new pair at that point, I'm gonna climb up on the roof with my Slingshot Pens and Using the lightening letter openers from the Butt Lightning as ammo Im gonna start taking them out one at a time. Im also gonna take some of the Swear Bear Plushies and throw them off the roof to help distract the zombies from my location.
And I'll be keeping a container of the Resident Evil Outbreak Mints in my back pocket, just in case some other unfortunet humans happen to find their way to my lonely outpost and we need to work on repopulating the earth afterwards.

If i win I want a deck of the silver playing cards.
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Please, you gotta give a shout out to Brave New World Comics, the Eisner Award winning Mom and Pop comic shop who hosts this Zombierific spectacle every year! Show them some love and keep the funnybooks alive!
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In a zombie attack, I would think that defending myself against the horde is utmost important. Hence, I shall attempt to create the SHREDSORBLADE. Firstly, one needs the SAMURAI UMBRELLA. If you are tough like me, you would probably want to yield the large one (not the mini). Continuously smash the umbrella's cover off by stomping on it until you get a clean samurai bar with sword handle. Now take the SHREDSORS and unscrew it in the middle where the blades meet. Leave the handles on to tie it to the samurai umbrella. Now do this repeatedly until you get a whole row of Shredsor blades on each side of the umbrella. I should think you would need at least 3 Shredsors. That would give you a total of 54 blades. Now the SHREDSORBLADE is completed you are ready to destroy any zombies that stand in your way. Make 2 SHREDSORBLADE to have double the effect of yielding 2 swords. The blade handles make it really comfortable to use!

More details:
1. Use the Micro-Max 19-in-1 to unscrew (always have the Micro-Max with you as it is the most handy tool) 2. Use cable from Audio Bone 1.0 Headphones to tie Shredsor blade to umbrella.

Additional tools:
I would keep several Fart Extinguishers with me and use them as flame throwers to burn those zombies up.
Bucky balls are also a good idea to have around as a trap to make the zombie lose their balance before you slice them up. Other LED lights, products with torches could serves as a distraction to the zombie or to mislead them!

Warning:
Please only use the Shredsorblade in the event of a zombie attack as it is too deadly. Hope we survive.

If I win!!! I would like the Harry Potter Sorting Hat! If I get runner-up, I would like a Protected by Ninja Kitty shirt, Mens, Medium.
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Depends on the Zombies. If they are zombies like in Resident Evil or if they are zombies like Johnathan Coulton. I'm most familiar with the Philosopher's Zombie. The philosopher's zombie doesn't physically eat brains, the philosopher's zombie is basically an unconscious human who acts like a conscious human. I guess they might be said to "eat brains" figuratively if that unconsciousness was contagious. I believe it is, and I believe I am already inhabiting a zombie apocalypse. Everyone around me is an unconscious zombie human.

To battle such zombies one only need to obey the herd instincts, do not attempt to reason or observe keenly anything that goes on. Grab a bag of potato chips, slink down in your couch and watch SpikeTV. That will fool them, but if that doesn't work ordering any one of the many useless gadgets Neatorama has to offer will send a strong message that you are not a rational creature.

On that note. I would like to assert my irrationality by adorning myself in a "I'm not a schizophrenic..." shirt or by disarraying a 3D Brain Anatomy model.
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