Does Being Brutally Honest Help Your Marriage?

Posted by Alex in Everything Else on February 7, 2009 at 2:56 pm


Guys, when your wife or girlfriend asks "Does this clothe makes my butt look big?" what’s your answer? Did you tell a little white lie?

Well, not Cathal Morrow. The 43-year-old Welshman decided to be brutally honest for a year as a personal challenge … and was surprised with his wife’s reaction:

Throughout our marriage, Patti has always asked my opinion about the clothes she buys and her weight. She goes through stages where she’ll eat loads and, to be honest, it shows.

Before, I went on auto-pilot and made reassuring noises about how lovely she looked. Now, when she asks me if I think her bum looks big, I’ll tell her it does.

It might sound cruel. But what I’ve learned over the past year is that how you tell the truth matters. So I’ll say “yes, your bum does look bigger, but I like it that way”. And I honestly do.

Another time white lies used to arise was when I was going out with the lads.

I’d fly to meetings in London and stay at a friend’s house while Patti stayed in Madrid looking after the boys. When she asked me on the phone what I’d done with my mates, I’d avoid telling her we went to the pub because she’s probably been bored stuck at home and no man wants to risk an ear-bashing.

But now I’ll tell her the truth, that we went for beers.

I’ve discovered that the fear of people’s reaction to the truth is often much worse than the reality of it.

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14 comments to "Does Being Brutally Honest Help Your Marriage?"

  1. jafabrit
    February 7th, 2009 at 3:29 pm

    I think one can be honest without being mean, such as using humour for example.Really if someone asks if their bum looks big, then they deserve an honest answer.

  2. Woogie
    February 7th, 2009 at 4:33 pm

    What I might have to be brutally honest about soon, no, that's NOT going to help my marriage.

  3. Tweeker
    February 7th, 2009 at 5:56 pm

    You're just not that into her?

  4. Mary
    February 7th, 2009 at 6:13 pm

    My husband and I started out long distance dating, so we had a strict honestly policy. I wanted to know if he was out with friends because at least then I would know *why* he might not answer the phone rather than thinking of the worst possible situation. Now, if I say "how's this outfit look?" I expect an honest answer. He puts it as nicely as possible, but he doesn't encourage me to go out looking like a fool. We've also had a long standing policy of "if you don't want to be with me, tell me, and don't waste my time." Maybe we're an unusual couple, but this level of honesty really works for us.

  5. Woogie
    February 7th, 2009 at 7:25 pm

    Tweeker: You have no idea how close you are to the truth my friend. I feel like an utter weasel about it too.

    There's a difference between saying "Yes that dress makes you look fat" and "After trying to salvage a marriage you have no interest in for 3 years, I'm leaving."

  6. lovely
    February 7th, 2009 at 7:35 pm

    i love it when my love says my bum looks fat

  7. Half Assed Kitchen
    February 7th, 2009 at 7:49 pm

    He's crazy. No woman appreciates the truth THAT much.

  8. Oliver
    February 7th, 2009 at 7:54 pm

    This the policy my wife and I have. It's wonderful. I'd rather her tell me I have bad breath than someone I don't like. White lies are like faking it when you make love; you only train people to repeat the stuff you don't really like.

    Then you just spend your lives secretly annoyed 24/7, instead of enjoying life together.

    Now, if my wife compliments me on anything, or vice versa, I know I must have done well. I feel more self-esteem, emotional independence, and confidence.

    Wanting to be lied to = not emotionally prepared for reality.

    But look at how stupid the article is: A husband and wife both agree that their marriage has improved, thanks to a policy of total honesty. So what do they do? They close with a "relationship psychologist" who gives the opposite advice.

    What a load.

  9. Kate
    February 7th, 2009 at 10:51 pm

    My fiance is honest too. He's always nice about it, but I love that he's straightforward. Sometimes he's a bit harsh, but the honesty keeps us close, and I always appreciate it.

    Considering the amount of intimacy that goes into a marriage (or is supposed to), being honest should not be that unusual.

  10. Christophe
    February 7th, 2009 at 11:05 pm

    Say the truth so you don't have to remember the lies.

    Say the truth, so you don't have to eat THAT meal again.

  11. Emmers
    February 8th, 2009 at 10:43 am

    If anyone asked me "Does this clothe makes my butt look big?" I would not lie but say "How much have you had to drink?"

  12. ted
    February 8th, 2009 at 11:47 am

    You should say, "Your butt was big before you put that on, honey."

  13. KranzorZ
    February 9th, 2009 at 12:52 pm

    I agree, being honest is the key, but...

    If you think the brutal truth will hurt a person, think first. If you say something "truthful" and they are hurt, talk about it.

    Bottom line: Communication = essential.

  14. MarkW
    February 10th, 2009 at 12:10 am

    The truth (carefully shared) = trust. Short term pain (as the spouse adjusts) = long term gain.


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