"Some people say I'm an animal in the sack." - baby kangaroo

— Jeremy Wetzel (@WetzelGeek) August 14, 2012

Relationship status: binoculars

— Ghandi's Dentist (@thatlionkid) March 8, 2013

Oh you're a jogger? Good for you. I just burned 3000 calories in under 30 minutes. Can't believe I forgot that pizza was in the oven.

— Manda Daisy Duke (@lilgapeach30) January 13, 2013

I don't want to learn karate but I really need a new belt

— Megan Amram (@meganamram) March 19, 2013

When a woman asks you to guess her age, it's like deciding whether to cut the blue, red, or green wire to diffuse a bomb.

— Gяєєи вαвє (@iGreenBabe) July 19, 2012

I keep pushing the potato button on the microwave, but alas, no potato. :(

— Snorklhuahua (@weinerdog4life) December 22, 2012

Next time you're having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they're trying to do a push-up.

— Zachary? (@GreenishDuck) February 21, 2013

1. Change last name to Crunch.2. Join the military.3. Work my way up to Captain.4. Become Captain Crunch.5. WIN LIFE

— Lesli (@leslid79) March 17, 2013

I would like to thank Tetris for providing me w/ the skills to jam as many dishes as possible in my dishwasher.

— Men's Humor (@MensHumor) March 14, 2013

Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.

— donni (@donni) July 30, 2011

HOW TO SURVIVE IN THE WILDERNESS: Call someone and have them come pick you up.

— Andy Richter (@AndyRichter) March 18, 2013

Just woke up and scared the hell out of this mortician.on.fb.me/MWRXtJ

— JDCrowe2 (@Crowetoons) June 27, 2012

The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.

— God (@TheTweetOfGod) March 9, 2013

I get really angry when I see two men with mustaches talking. Talking? TALKING!!? YOU SHOULD BE SWORD FIGHTING.

— Kaylee Harles (@Kalarlis) September 24, 2012

I always like to keep $7000.00 on me in case I wanna stop at Whole Foods and get some fruit

— Illuminated Wonder (@illuminatedwndr) May 26, 2012