When I met Lena Dunham, I couldn't stop dressing her with my eyes.— Shari VanderWerf (@shariv67) February 18, 2013...

Me? Just throwing magnets at strangers in the park to try to expose robots.— Matt Roller (@rolldiggity) January 14, 2013...

Mom, Dad, I'm a gatherer. -Caveman coming out to his parents.— Aristotles (@AristotlesNZ) January 30, 2013...

Let's take a moment this Valentine's Day to think about how awkward it is for all the couples who started dating in January.— ali waller (@imaliwaller) February 14, 2011...

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There is no graceful way to stop giving someone the Heimlich when it turns out they didn't need the Heimlich.— Tim Siedell (@badbanana) October 18, 2012...

During the day, my wife complains that I'm not on her side. But in the middle of the night, I'm too far on her side. Which is it?!— David K. Israel (@Resila) October 31, 2012...

Oi, shower curtain - nobody likes you, we just tolerate you. Stop going in for a hug.— Jennifer Noelle (@Jenwastar) June 16, 2012...

I miss having health insurance. RT @kimkardashian I miss Milan!— Mary Charlene (@IamEnidColeslaw) January 12, 2012...

I just clocked a guy in the eye with my iPhone for grabbing my waist. First thought: "Is my iPhone okay?"— Bree Olson (@BreeOlson) July 7, 2012...