Just tweeting to establish an alibi. What are you up to? - @almostfacts...

Já que o fim está próximo, deviam proibir qualquer tipo de trabalho pra aproveitarmos bem os últimos dias na Terra. - @fumantepassivo Translation: Since the End is near, work of any kind should be prohibi...

My fortune cookie didn't have a fortune in it and now I'm convinced that one day I'm going to die. - @Girl11Eleven...

They say if you put your ear up to a Shell gas station, you can hear the BP oil spill in the ocean. - @YourFavWhiteGuy...

I'm in a relationship with cheese and it's complicated. - @TiffanyJMoore...

Over 11,000 people are injured every year trying out new sexual positions #SexFacts - @FunnySexFacts...

#ThingsWhitePeopleDo if something isn't working, tap the side of it 2 times, then shrug and call a repair man @YourFavWhiteGuy...

Whoever said "I'll sleep when I'm dead" obviously never met the angel who plays the vuvuzela all day. - @Jesus_M_Christ...

Si vous me cherchez cet après-midi à Marseille, je suis un zèbre. - @sophierandr Translation: If you are looking for me this afternoon, in Marseilles, I am a zebra....

Your bio says you are an astrophysicist, @jimmyfallon. Interesting. I have a spaceship. We should talk. - @richardbranson...