Women *do* come with instructions. Lots of them. Ask my husband.  @linajk...

The golden age of marketing will finally arrive when playing a Natalie Merchant song makes my iPhone print out a coupon for tampons. - @Just_Alison...

Dear Math, I'm sick and tired of finding your "x". Just accept the fact that she's gone. Move on, dude. - @WillyFerrell...

Did you hear about the big fight that Madonna, Cher, Jewel, and Fabio had? They're no longer on a first-name basis. - @converse_day...

you forgot to mention your homeopathic plumber! They dilute Drano 1:10000000000000 and assure u it will work. - @zdoggmd...

I bet every porta potty dreams of someday being a photo booth. - @mollymcnearney...

My phone is broken and my laptop is fried and now I'm pretty sure the Mayans were off by two years. @Girl11Eleven...

Realized I'm walking in wrong direction... Pull out cell phone, pretend to read and turn around. @PatheticPaul...

gone phishing - @mekdigital...

I went for a run this a.m. It was like the running scene from Rocky 1. Not the fun trumpet inspirational good run, the sad lonely piano one.  @NHLShanny...