Guess what? Licking envelopes and eating Oreos must be done in a certain order. - @wwwesty...

The Dead Sea Scrolls were never examined as closely as the receipt my mother just got for a three-pack of socks. @bazecraze...

Most of the screams you hear in movies are actually by a purple people eater. @howtogeek...

Tonight's meditation: When life hands you melons, you may be dyslexic. - @Pogue...

If A=B and B=C then my ability to spell just got that much easier. - @FlyoverJoel...

We know that a million monkeys with typewriters can bang out Shakespeare but has anyone experimented with giant insects and Kafka? @FlyoverJoel...

If we didn't evolve opposable thumbs, would we still be able to text? @BillyCrystal...

I hope i end up in heaven and i hope they have c...  ...and i hope they have crazy fast wifi up there. @ davidwain

1. Pet a horse. 2. Wear a velour shirt. 3. Try a plum. #sadbucketlist - @jenny_tollwartz...

Freya is dressing the dog up in clothes. It's times like this I seriously miss drinking :) @duncanriley (h/t @Marilyn_Res)...