When a man can't open a jar, he has to throw it away and never speak of it again. - @yoyoha...

The worst thing about getting hit in the face with Pi is it never ends. @tweetcomedian...

Some app I accidentally downloaded makes my phone beep everytime I lie! But please don't tell. People think it's my fake boyfriend texting. - @SEAempire...

If Picasso was such a great painter, how come Sherwin-Williams got a paint store named after him and he didn't? - @emcognito...

Got pulled over today and cop said "papers" So I said scissors I WIN!! @globetrottgirl...

Sometimes I wonder why I'm still single. Then I look down and see that I'm wearing socks and sandals and suddenly everything makes sense - @OneLinersPlus...

If you ever saw a baby unicorn sneeze you would literally die from the cuteness. - @ProdigalSam...

It's weird that there are no humans in the Planet Earth series. Where's the rich white guy who shoots the lion? - @Ty_Schutz...

Pretty sure I just got the first draft version of the justin bieber haircut - @PaulBriganti...

Staring longingly at the door works for my cats, but I tried it in a meeting and no one let me out. -Â @DrTwittenheimer...