I had this one night stand, and the next morning I felt so guilty I bought another one for the other side of the bed. - @iNusku...

Classical Music Fact: Rachmaninov had 16 fingers on each hand. - @thesulk...

I just want people to accept me for who I pretend to be. - @yoyoha...

The only member of my family with a personal trainer is the dog. - @funnyoneliners...

Hi, I've come to pick up your giant sofa with my tiny car.  @timhaines...

The entire first half of the toilet paper roll is no good to my 3yr old. Apparently @kickassjenn...

They say couples should never go to bed angry. That's why married people always look so tired. - @kellysdf...

"so i kinda lost my shit today" - birds @JoyPlaza...

There's no such thing as too many tacos. - @timhaines...

Confession: I'm not always laughing out loud when I type "lol." - @kn0thing...