The Enemy at the Door

Every time I read of a home invasion robbery, or an in-the-window abduction of a sleeping child, I feel angry and also frustrated. Why should we be so vulnerable in our homes? I’m annoyed with architects. Why aren’t they designing homes in which we can at least relax and feel safe? If architects won’t do their job, I’ll volunteer to step in and do it for them. Here’s an inverted, upside down single-family home. Do you see a problem with this? Do we really need windows on the first floor? Burglars, rapists and child abductors will not find it easy to get in! The tapered walls on the building shown on the left could even be coated with grease. Not shown are support pillars, embedded deep into the subsoil, that support the building and also afford space for a small basement. In case of fire, occupants either exit from the front door or jump from second-story windows into soft, deeply-tilled soil covered with ice plant or similar soft bedding plants. Note how bushes, potential hiding places, are few and kept trimmed small.



If living in an upside down home seems restricting or strange, there are other design solutions that can at least minimize one’s interaction with strangers, especially ones who might have criminal intent. Just as gas stations and mini-marts provide slide-out trays and bullet-proof glass to protect their employee-attendants at night, so can a Home Solicitor Interrogation Room be added to a single-family residence. A plus feature, not shown in the illustration, is the electronically-lockable front door. The resident, safe inside the home, is able to lock a criminal or criminals inside the tiny entry room, creating a holding cell until police arrive.



Another type of holding cell can be located underground directly in front of a fake front door.  The real front door is located elsewhere, its location known only to friends and family. If the resident doesn’t like the looks of a person, he or she presses a button causing the porch to collapse into the cell below. Not shown is the ample padding that lines in the floor and wall of the brick-lined holding cell.



A deceptively simple yet effective design is the Home Perimeter Dog Run. Rather than setting an alarm when leaving the home for the day, or when retiring to sleep at night, the resident unlocks an interior gate, giving the dog full run of the entire balcony. Dogs are very sensitive to sounds and vibrations, especially those made by strangers. Should a criminally-inclined stranger step anywhere on the metal walkway, a large dog would leap out of its house and attack.

I worked on the problem of home invasion over several decades. The solutions that are shown above, drawn in the mid-1980s, seem silly today, but that was before there existed sophisticated  home security systems with night-vision cameras, body heat detectors, and web cams. 



A Swimming Moat would offer an opportunity for residents to relax in their pool, do laps or invite friends and neighbors over for a pool party. But at night, or when homeowners are away from home, the pool becomes a moat. Drawbridges are raised. Unauthorized entry is effectively discouraged, since burglars do not wish to contemplate climbing slippery walls in wet running shoes, balancing delicate electronic appliances overhead. Posted signs suggest the added possibility of serious electric shock.  The sign would be false. If it were not, cats, dogs and squirrels – or drunk revelers who climbed the fence – would be electrocuted.



My favorite solution is the Underground Bedroom. The bedroom, located anywhere on the property, is approached through a secret passageway.  In this example, residents enter at night through the door of a stacked washer-dryer machine (fake) and crawl down a sloped ramp. The bedroom is stocked with food, television, computer, VCR, phone and a very small toilet. This room is the quietest in the house.


The reason we never have any improvements in house design?

RESALE VALUE. Lazt real estate agents want homes that are easy for them to sell with no thought so they tell people with well designed homes that their house has less resale value simply because it works better as a house than the neighbors.
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This is also a band-aid type solution. Does this really deter child predators? Probably not. Why CAN'T we have windows on the bottom floors of our homes? I for one wouldn't want to live in a house without them. Although a moat swimming pool would be nice.
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This is a very silly suggestion. There's absolutely no sense in spending the extra money required to build these monuments to paranoid fantasy. The vast majority of cases of sexual abuse and kidnapping are perpretrated by relatives and friends: people who are known and trusted by the victims. They are already inside the walls.

Spending exorbitant amounts to protect from a rare and sensationalized threat, as if constantly under siege from marauding hordes of rapists and pillagers, points to a delusional mind (or a failed state).
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I'm with mindy and the moat swimming pool. Even better if we can give it a current, and go tubing!

At the same time, most break-ins occur during the day, because those who break in don't want to confront home owners. While I'm upset by the idea that someone might go through my highly unvaluable stuff, I'd rather that happen than I be home.

Next you need to find ways to secure vehicles more, since they are a more likely target than homes. This stuff was fascinating!
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The large tracts of townhomes being built in the midwest these days resemble the upside-down house, with only a garage door and seldom used entry door at the main level. I've even seen some with balconies on the upper level that resemble the perimeter dog run example.
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My step dad's house was burgled years ago. Apparently when he noticed his dog Natasha, he walked over to the freezer, took out a frozen steak and gave it to her. It's also why security companies use guard hogs now, since they can't be bribed with food.
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Do people really live in this level of fear in their own homes? It might be time to relocate.

While fanciful, most of these security designs would also be rather expensive, not to mention unsightly. Then there's the hazard angle, there are few security systems that aren't a double-edged sword, there is some level of peril posed to whoever the system is engineered to protect (children could drown in a moat, fall from a 2nd-story upside-down house window, be mauled by the dog, pull on the tear gas vines, get trapped in the holding cell, etc.).

The best security systems are the passive measures anyone can take to make their home less of a target. Keeping trees and bushes trimmed-back from doors and windows and enough exterior lighting on motion sensors to take away any cover that would-be criminals would have both during the day and night. Any sort of alarm system that would draw the attention of others. Good steel and glass security doors, and windows that hamper ingress. These things are all out there, people often choose not to install or use them correctly.
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agree with the general sentiment of the post, but think that the specifics are a bit ridiculous. Self-defense starts with mindset and awareness, but simple home improvements and habits very important to follow with like having sturdy doors, windows, and fences that you lock along with an alarm system that you use. Motion-sensing lights and cameras are also a good investment, as are other things.

However, I think it's a bit sad that living in a fortified bunker (or having those ridiculous expensive panic rooms) could be considered a reasonable reaction to (very reasonable) concerns about home invasions whereas firearm ownership is considered paranoid.

There are many other things to consider first and in conjunction with self-defense as “owning a handgun doesn't make you armed any more than owning a guitar makes you a musician” but there is no reason any adult who can safely and responsibly operate an automobile cannot do the same with a firearm. A strict adherence to the four rules of firearm handling and a well-researched safe (from children and theft) storage method along with some investment in training, regular practice, and self-defense resources are most of what you need.

It isn't for everyone and does not overshadow other steps which can be taken, but if this is a legal option to you please educate yourself even or especially if you are uncomfortable with firearms. Take a beginner's class so that you can honestly asses this option.
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'Inventions that are (thankfully, always) around the corner', stated in the header of the article, should be a big enough hint that the post is made in jest. Step away from the indignation, guys.

That said, I thought some of these were really quite clever and inventive, albeit usually impractical. As a paranoid, physically weak individual that often finds herself living alone, I admit that the fear of home invasion does cross my mind from time to time, and these made me smile - I'd certainly invest in a few if I could!
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Mindy, why are you obsessed with child predators?

"This is also a band-aid type solution. Does this really deter child predators?"

Who mentioned child predators? Nobody. What is more concerning is, hm, yeah, oh right, MURDERERS. I don't want some creepster invading my home, making a sandwich from ingredients in my refrigerator, watching me sleep while he rubs mayo on his chest, then stabbing me to a slow death with the butter knife he just used.
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YES! The underground bunker! It's like the artist went into my head and retrieved that thought. My concept was to bury a shipping container in my back yard and make it accessible through a refrigerator. You know, like, you open the fridge and instead of there being food and shit, there's a stairway going down. AWESOME.
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I had to drop inand see how many comments it took before someone pointed out the obvious (ten).

That said, my elderly mother-in-law lives in constant fear that someone is going to break into her house and hurt her. I don't get that. She is 79 and there is no reason whatsoever for anyone to come in her house unannounced unless they are trying to save her life. She keeps her doors locked AND something propped against them. I am convinced that someday she will lay on the floor and die from a health problem because no one can rescue her.
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So nice to start the morning with a good chuckle, thanks. Small wonder I visit Neatorama so often.

As far as home security, I don't think you can improve on my stick in the window. Maybe if it were titanium rather than wood, hmmm.
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Mr. Ohmygodman: We are the same person! :)
What is true is that in the 1970s I contacted a firm that installed underground bomb shelters for $3000. Alas, I couldn't quite afford it. I had wanted a place to meditate that was quiet, and a concrete room under our backyard Hypericum bed seemed like it would be an ideal place.
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Reminds me of, in the Edgar Rice Burroughs John Carter of Mars books, probably the very first one, A PRINCESS OF MARS, there's mention of how certain Martians have houses that are basically built on a big screw and at night it screws upwards, effectively turning the house into a tower with no entrance, then the next day they bring it back to ground level again, to keep out burglars and murderers (and presumably, the assorted Martian monsters as well).
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wow... many missed the joke on this one.

i'd like a house built entirely underground with a dummy house above it that's essentially a well-furnished jail cell. the cops can then just swing by with a paddy wagon once a week to empty the trap.
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Of course, who wouldn't want their own personal bomb shelter bedroom and a swimming pool moat? Naturally, most of the other ideas are a little bit far-fetched and paranoid, but I do like the idea of the inverted, upside-down single family home. I for one don't really like lower floor windows, especially if the house is in a well-frequented suburb or something, because I even find myself looking in windows as I drive past them, as a sort of people watching thing, not that I think of abducting the tv these people watch oprah or soap operas on... Also, in the inverted home, the upmost windows would provide the comfort of being able to watch like a hawk on the rest of the neighborhood, so who knows, the real child abductors could be living in these houses.
I, for one, live in a very rural area in the woods, so I have very little need to worry about this stuff, awesome post for the most part though.
While reading this post, I listened to 5 AM(Dance Party Remix) – SomethingALaMode
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good one nutbastard. as soon as i read your comment the whole thing instantly became a perfect Mad article.

also, ita with 'O'. i can't understand why people are taking this so seriously. lighten up and enjoy!
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Not having windows on the ground floor is pretty secure unless, like me, you live withing a couple blocks of people who leave extension ladders unlocked outside. Look around your neighborhood. There are surprisingly many such ladders all over.
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If this is a joke/jest as others have suggested then I'm slightly amused, otherwise I would like to point out some legal issues. If someone were to drown in your pool or die of claustrophobia you'd be in serious trouble, even if they are burglars.
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Simply, ingenious!

Keep them coming, steve!

I must say, though, that I'm quite astonished at the number of people who can't get a joke even when they're told it's a joke!!
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The NEATORAMA commenters are a sharp-eyed bunch, many of whom are intent on educating me by pointing out the flaws in my concepts. I am glad they are on their toes. But I have to laugh at Staxeon's remark that my cartoons would be against building code. Is there a building code for cartoon buildings, I wonder?
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