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Could You Give Back Your Adopted Child?

Anita Tedaldi adopted a special needs baby from South America. After spending 18 months with the child, she felt that she and her family failed to bond with him and gave him back.
One day (I’m still not exactly sure what was different about that particular day) I was on the phone with Jennifer, our social worker, who merely asked “what’s up” when I blurted out that I couldn’t parent D., that things were too hard.

What are your thoughts?

Read about her experience in her own words as published by the New York Times and reprinted by the Today Show: Link (image credit: Today Show)

I think if you're having second thoughts and it won't harm the child, why shouldn't you be able to place it up for re-adoption? Do what's best for the kid.
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While I think Soylent Green should always be an option for those we don't like, I wouldn't consider it in cases like this.

That's such a hard decision to have made, and probably best for the child.
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she just wanted something to love her...now the husbands away and the kids are watching Spongebob. She should have just adopted a puppy and saved everybody the hassle.
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I think it was a very difficult decision, and she was quite brave to have admitted she was not able to give the child what he needed. Thankfully there was someone else out there who was able to do so. From what I understand, she spent a lot of time trying to find the most suitable new home for the child, so it's not like she just handed him back without a care in the world.

Sure, it's a sad and very confusing situation all around. But I know for a fact that there are far more children who would have had better lives had they been given up for a chance to find a more suitable home instead of having lived with someone who was not equipped to provide what they needed.

I think this is really one of those "judge not let ye be judged" kind of things. I wish everyone involved nothing but the best for the future.
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I doubt it was a case of her wanting puppy-like adoration and having a tantrum when it didn't happen. Having actually read the story, it was clear that this was a case where the parents and that particular child were not a good match, but that it wasn't obvious until after he had come to live with them. She further wrote that the child has flourished in his new home, with his new parents.
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I agree with the sentiment that some people are just not suitable matches for some children.

Went through something similar in that we had a failed adoption. Wife and I tried to adopt an 8 year old "special needs" child who had emotional issues from tons of neglect and abuse when she was really young. Thought we were helping a child unlikely to be adopted by others because most want infants. The child had some history of acting out violently, but was supposed to be getting better with therapy. Almost immediately the child started hurting our pets, neighborhood children, drawing violent images on our walls, and threatening us. It felt like we were in a horror movie. More medication and therapy for the child didn't help at all. Within 4 weeks we were terrified in our own home, afraid to go to sleep. Exhausted, depressed, and terrified for our safety and the safety of everyone around us, we told the agency we couldn't take it anymore. The child was removed and returned to a psychiatric center.

We were denied visitation since we hadn’t yet finished the adoption processes and blamed by the agency for not being "unconditionally committed" to the child. Maybe it was our fault, maybe we had unrealistic expectations, or maybe were weren't properly trained by an agency seeking to profit off us using emotional word play to guilt us into a dangerous situation. Regardless, we still feel like bad people for giving up and know we'll never forgive ourselves for our inability to provide a home for that child. I don’t know what we should have done differently accept not try at all.
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Sometimes not trying at all is the better option, especially if you're ill-equipped to handle it.

The mistake was in adopting the child in the first place. "spceial needs" doesn't mean they just need a little extra love. It means they need someone who is up to the job.

It was simply a poor decision all around when they first went into it. Good thing for them they were able to undo their mistake.
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This woman should be beaten for her selfishness.
However, and it's a big one, do what's right for the child is always the only option.
Still want to beat his sad clown down for her idiocy.
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What a painful story all around. It's so easy to rush to judgement on something like this. Too many kids are being raised by indifferent, uncaring biological parents. Keeping a child just because it is yours is not a good reason. Keeping a child because you said you would is also not a good reason. This child is better off now. Would he have been better off if she had never taken him in? Probably. Attachment issues are not something everyone could handle and it is hard to know beforehand if you are on who can. It took a lot of strength to do the right thing. And even more to talk about it knowing the kneejerk reaction most people would have.
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The agency that approved the adoption would have to question if there is a flaw in their vetting system.
I agree with most folks here, admitting that it is a mistake is probably best for the child, just as long as it is now MUCH harder for these parents to adopt another child in the future.
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Adopting when your husband is deployed or likely to be deployed is a terrible idea. Parenting alone can be challenging even under the best of circumstances. With the added difficulties of the child being adopted and being special needs, it was all the more important that she have the support of the father. This woman jumped in way over her head. Waiting until the time was right might have made things better for everyone involved.

Or if it was a case like someone mentioned above where she was just totally lonely and felt the baby would be the solution, waiting for husband to get back would have fixed her loneliness without a baby having to be involved.

Even if she didn't understand how hard it would be to mother the child all alone, her adoption agency should have encouraged to wait for her husband to be available at home. It might have been hard to accept that she wasn't ready right then, but that would have been easier to deal with than the heart-break she eventually went through.
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It is never not okay to crate the developmentally challenged coprophagous baby back up and ship it straight back to the orphanage where you got it from. I mean, god *damn*, what part of that sounds like a worthwhile parenting experience? Goldfish are more emotionally rewarding than that.
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Maybe this would be a good time to review how babies and children are adopted. Did this person go though any psychological background check? And more importantly perhaps was there any follow-up by agency?
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To answer the title question: no, I couldn't. However, I am familiar with heartbreaking stories of disrupted adoptions, involving older children who abuse siblings or start fires. My heart goes out to those parents. I've also heard about adoptions which are disrupted because a biological parent came forward or some corruption in the process was found. Doubly heartbreaking.

However, I read this story at its original source a few weeks ago, and there were things that disturbed me. I can't put my finger on what the author is trying to accomplish by posting the story. It does not make her look good. Is she trying to justify her decision? Was it really necessary to point out the coprophagia? What adoption agency approved this family with so many existing children and a father who was often called away? And how can she show so little concern about the sisters' attitude toward their brother? I can't pass judgment on such an elusive story, but it doesn't quite add up.
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I wish my adoptive mother had given me back. We never bonded and it was a very painful childhood for me. On the other hand, I do know a man who was given back after adoption and re-adopted. He's a great man who is a person to be admired. I think if this family isn't working out, the child should be offered the option of a better life elsewhere. That's just my opinion. Tim G. has a different one, for instance. At one point in my life, I would have said the same thing of the mother but now I'm older and wiser.
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I admire this woman for her good heart to try to adopt in the first place. She wanted to do a great service for this child, but then discovered it was above her abilities. I find that many of her critics have never adopted a special needs child themselves. Do you notice that the person who does nothing- does not go through the immense sacrifice of the adoption process, does not sacrifice any of their time to try to love and care for a special needs child- gets no criticism. People are paid lots of money to care for special needs children that are not their own. This woman not only did not get paid for her time, she probably paid out a lot of her own money for adoption expenses. All she did throughout the adoption process is give. If the child was going to be happy with a different family than she did what is best for the child and for her own family. She saved two families with that decision. Why is it that if a child-care provider quits after 6 months there is no uproar? Even if the child was with the child care provider 10 hours a day? But if someone ADOPTS the child then no quitting is allowed! The baby doesn't know the difference. Our society likes to gang up on good people, and leave people alone who do nothing. This baby is too young to have any recollection of these events. Everyone needs to leave this woman alone. She has gone through enough.
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