Out Of The Mouth Of Babes: Part 1

My two year has now grasped time as going on forever. Up until now, he’s been announcing things he doesn’t want to do in a straightforward way. “No wanna put on jammies!” “No wanna go bed!” Then a couple days ago he added ‘anymore’ with great emphasis. “No wanna put on jammies ANYMORE!” “No wanna go bed ANYMORE!” Add a seriously furrowed brow of sternness and it takes no small amount of effort not to burst out laughing.

I’m amazed by a child’s linear thinking. I’ve never had a nickname made out of my first name until my best friend & her husband invited me to live with them and their toddler daughter a number of years ago. (I had just moved to the area and was looking for work) As I lived with them almost a year, their then toddler daugher started calling me Shaunie instead of Shaun. She called her parents mommy & dad so that naturally led to her deciding to call me “Shaunie”. The now 14 year old and her younger siblings call me Auntie Shaunie to this day.

my comment above should say “she called her parents mommy & daddy”…

My 3 year old is still adjusting to having Daddy working from home (started his new job 6 weeks ago). A couple of weeks ago hubby told him “I love you, Georgie.”

George’s response: “I no love you, Daddy. I too busy, I go work now.”

O.o and the strange part is that hubby is spending MORE time with George than he was able to before this job.

Oh, didn’t even think about the t-shirt.

Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom – XL

When our little one was a bit littler (about 3-1/2), she and I were out doing last-minute Christmas shopping, listening to holiday tunes on the drive. One of the songs mentioned “2,000 years” in the refrain, so she asked me what that was about. I explained, and after a pause to think she burst out — “Daddy, you’re almost as old as Jesus!”

And here I thought I looked young for my age…

Thesaurus, Ash Gray, XL

I sadly don’t have kids yet, but when my brother was little we were on a family road trip and him and my Dad went to use the restroom and…

My brother looked up at the condom dispenser and asked my dad what it was; my Dad had been reading a book that had instructed him to tell kids the truth when they asked adult questions so my Dad replied,

“Well Ben sometimes grown ups like to have fun, and the man takes one of these things like a balloon and puts it on his peepee so he doesn’t make the girl have a baby”

My Dad, who has been one of the biggest bullshitters I’ve ever known, got a scathing looking from my brother who replied,

“Dad, why can’t you just ever tell the truth? Why do you always have to lie to me?”

Hahahahaha…

I’m with Chelsea, sadly no kids yet, but my brother was always unintentionally hilarious…

Background: Christmas with the family: my grandfather loved to film all of us opening presents but didn’t like to talk behind the camera…he would point at us when he was ready for one of us to open our present so he could capture every reaction.

My brother was 4 and waiting so patiently while grandkid after grandkid opened a present and got fawned over. Each gift usually led to conversations amongst everyone. Finally, he could wait no longer and while we were all talking he asked in the most heart-breaking voice:

“Would someone please give me the finger so I can open /my/ present?”

XD

If I get the t-shirt, I’ll give it to my brother who grew up to be a railroad consultant/steam train conservationist

“Still Plays with Trains” T-shirt, M, Chocolate

Whoops! I too forgot to name a Tee should I be chosen. Come to the Dark Side XL please.

My 3.5 year old daughter fell and had to get stitches in her lip. She hated it of course, and it was made worse because of the very bright light the doctor used. She always hated very bright lights. She was screaming and wailing while the nurse and I held her steady. Desperate to help her cope, I said “Think of a place you would rather be”. Through her cries she yelled “I want to be in a dark room!”
Type Bike XL ash grey

My three year old came home from day care today (which has two cats) and said:

him – mommy we need cute cats
me – but we have two cats
him – but they not cute. we need new cats. I open door
now?

I think our cats are cute, even if he doesn’t.

t-shirt: “paddle faster – i hear banjo music” navy, 2xl

From my dear 5 y.o., I usually get, “I love you more than love,” or “I love you more than cookies!” Today I hear, “I love you more than chicken pox!”

Art Linkletter would be dancing in his grave…
Sasha went out to the van, in the rain, for her Leapster. Upon entering the family room, sashaying all “fashion-y” as she says, she reports thusly: “I’ve got some good news, and some bad news. The good news is, I’m not dead. The bad news is, it’s very sloppy goppy out there.”

My darling daughter is walking around with a Kraft Single slapped on her forehead, claiming, “Look, I’m a cheesehead!” As funny as it is scary.

My dear son, 8, just told me, “Every breath you take is like a song.” Mmmmmmm, makes me all warm inside!

Rudy: Do peanut butter and jelly ever argue?
Sasha: Do they ever argue about who goes first on the sandwich?

Things you wish you hadn’t heard from the 5 y.o. jumping on her bed: “Rudy, I touched the ceiling!”

‎”Mom, we’re not looking for beautiful, we’re looking for focus!” says Sasha as we navigate our way through EPCOT’s Kim Possible scavenger hunt!

Mmm … Pi (xl)

our family was out for a drive and we passed a (strangely located) adult book store, called simply ‘Adult Book Store’. my little brother was just learning to read and, as kids do, he was reading all the signs we passed out loud. when we got to the ‘Adult Book Store’ he read it aloud and then thought about it for a second and said, “Boy, they must have some really scary books in there.”

how true…

(‘College’ XL black)

When my daughter was 3 she suddenly became very interested in the moon, so we let her stay up a little late so we could all go outside and look at the beautiful full moon for a few nights in a row. Sometime later she was again up past her bedtime, so before we put her to bed we went outside to look at the now 1/2 moon. She saw the half-moon, flung herself to her knees on the ground and began frantically rustling through the grass crying “Mommy! Daddy! The moon is broken! We have to find the other piece!” It took quite awhile to convince our disconsolate daughter that the moon was indeed not broken.
Heart is A Forbidden Fruit Black L

a few from m son age 5

- says he hates raccoons because they’ll eat your brains

- also says it’s okay if he get run over by a car because he can just come back as a ZOMBIE
So that’s not very good. He is also afraid that Grandpa is going to kick it any second because he’s really, really old and checks my neck often to see if I’m getting a wattle because that means your getting really old and about to die

And

—–doesn’t quite get the banana joke—–
Knock knock
Whos there
Banana
Knock knock
Whos there
Banana
Knock knock
Whos there
Banana
Knock knock
Whos there
Pink ha ha ha ha

after being told to go to the potty before bed he goes to the toilet to have a pee, stands there for a few minutes and then calls for me – “mom come here I can’t get any pee out, I think my batteries are dead”

and then we had this conversation

Me: boy I smell Trin I need to go take a shower.
Trin: whew I smell too.
Me: oh yeah what do you smell like?
Trin: mmmm chicken soup.
Me: and what do I smell like?
Trin: chicken butt ha ha ha ha

tshirt = beer will change the world, chocolate XL

My 11 year old, Sammy, says funny things on a daily basis! I carry a little book in my purse and write them all down so I won’t ever forget them. Just in the last 2 weeks, he has said the following:

1. Sammy was drinking cranberry juice for the first time. He asked what the weird taste was. I told him it was “tart.” He responded, “Well, I only like Pop Tarts.”

2. We were watching Wipeout and a British contestant got smashed in the groin and Sammy yells, “That British guy just got hit in his British nuts!” (I got onto him but had to laugh & write it in the book!)

3. We were watching Disney’s “Beauty and the Beast.” After Gaston stabbed the Beast, Sammy looks at me and says as serious as can be, “He just got shanked.” (How does he even know what that means?)

4. Sammy was walking his dog after school the other day, runs into the house breathing heavy and slams the door. I asked him what was wrong and he stammers, “The Jehovah’s witnesses are after me!”

5. I picked him up from school yesterday, and the first thing he says to me is, “Before I get in and sit down, I have to scratch my butt.”

6. A few days ago when I picked Sammy up from school, he gets in the car and says, “I have bad news and good news. The bad news is I have 2 sheets of math homework. The good news is a T-Rex did NOT attack the school today.”

7. Sammy has been practicing kung fu for 7 years. Last week he bought real metal nunchucks with his own money. He has been sleeping with them and carrying them everywhere he goes. Out of the blue he asks me, “Mom, how old do you have to be to make a will?” I know for a fact it’s because he is mulling over who he is going to leave the nunchucks to if he goes anytime soon.

Zombie – Eat Flesh XL

I was taking my almost 3-year-old to swimming lessons. We passed a pickup that must have just picked up new hedges at the nursery. My daughter starts laughing and asks me why there are trees in the back of that truck. I explain that the man is probably taking the trees home to plan them in his yard. She responds with, “Maybe he is taking them to a different kind of swimming where trees get to swim with eachothe.” My only response was, “Maybe.”

Heart Attack – XL – Military Green

My two girls (4 and 6) were inside watching cartoons on TV on a beautiful, sunny day years ago. When I walked in the room I told them that the TV would rot their brains if they didn’t shut it off and go outside to play. My four year old, Robin, looked up at me and said “daddy, is that what happened to you?”.

I guess it did…………

My cousin’s small child is just great. I liked this I had from her the other day:

Me: What happened to your eye?
Small Child: Someone punched me, to see how hard they could do it
Me (horrified): Who was it?!
Small Child (exasperated): I don’t remember EVERYTHING that happens to me!

Recently my 6 yr old asked if we could go to the diner for dinner, as he wanted a diner hamburger. It wasn’t in our game plan, but we said ok. He ordered his hamburger, and when it arrived commented “Oh, that smells great!” Then took one bite and announced he was done.

I was pretty angry, not only because I hadn’t originally planned on spending extra money for dinner, but also because it was such a waste of food. I informed him if he did not eat more, it was coming home with us and would be his lunch the next day. He didn’t believe me until the waiter came with the check, and I asked him to wrap the burger. With a horrified look on his face, my son stood up and exclaimed “This – Can – Not – Be – Happening!” And I promptly lost all composure, laughing so hard the people around us were staring at me. He continued to make me laugh, announcing at another point that “This is the worst day of my life!”

Btw, he ate it for lunch the next day and enjoyed it. Go figure.

Pink Freud, XL

@Red Bunny…that one really made me laugh. he was right too, that really is the correct response to the question.

@Twinklejelly…i really liked yours too. i can’t be bothered with remembering everyone who punches me in the eye either.

@Scott LaHott…i don’t know if you were just trying to be funny, if so, you failed – based on the title of this topic alone. worse, why’d you have to go and use ugly words in a nice topic?
why do people do that? i swear like a sailor, but i avoid it around people who i don’t know or who don’t care for that. i never write it in posts for all to see – there are kids out there you know? you could’ve easily substituted the word you used with ‘jerks’ and still gotten your point across. although it’d still leave me wondering why you’re even in here. to me, comments like that seem like a dog pooping on your lawn – leaving it’s mark the only way it knows. you pooped on the comments. well done.

Conversation with my almost 4 year old son about this years summer hols:

Tara O’Boyle
Earlier conversation with Lorcan…

L: Mummy I want to on holiday to a beach this year
Me: Maybe we could go to Spain or Italy?
L: Italy has volcanoes. Are they extinct?
Me: Some of them are dormant but some of them are still active.
L: Does Spain have volcanoes?
Me: I don’t think so *
L: Lets go to Spain then

Risk aversion in a three year old

*geography’s not my strong point, google reveals I am wrong

Tshirt choice: Superman has Chuck Norris pyjamas, grey, small

For mine above, same as before.
Zombie Eat Flesh, XL.

My sister and I are 12 years apart, and when she was very young, we were watching a Scooby-Doo rerun on TV. It was an episode where Shaggy and Scooby are running around and being chased by a Mummy. My sister is quiet during the episode, until this part, when she turns and with a completely straight face, says “I’m glad our mommy (mummy) isn’t like that.”

I laughed so hard I cried. And then had to explain the difference between Mommy and The Mummy.

When my eldest son was very young, almost all the males in our family wore beards and had for years. When I went to shave mine off, I had him in the bathroom with me so he could see the process and not be frightened or scared if he suddenly saw his Dad looking very different. The process went smoothly and he watched in rapt fascination. When it was all over, I turned to the little guy and asked him “What do you think?” He looked at my beardless face, thought for just a moment and then said: “Oh!! You are a Mommy!”

Make mine the “out of my mind, back in 5 minutes”.

This morning, Grandma & Grandpa came over to have coffee & hang out for a bit. I was making breakfast for the kids and I asked my 5-yr-old, Max, if he wanted a bagel or toast. He said, “I WANT TOOOOOOAAAST!” and Grandma corrected him: “Please.” He ignored her. She said, “PLEASE may I have some toast?” He ignored her again and she repeated it a little more sternly – “Max! PLEASE may I have some toast?”

Then he said… “Mom! Grandma wants some toast!”

PS. if chosen: Neatoramanaut tshirt, dark chocolate, xl please

@Chelsea for the win! I laughed so hard I have tears rolling down my face!

this one is from my own mouth…what a dumb kid i was.

i was 9(!) and my sister was in the hospital having a baby. when my mom called home and told me that it was a boy, i asked her, “how can they tell so fast?” 30+ years later, my family still likes to remind me of that. i can’t blame them.

(‘College’ black XL)

My grandson had a virus and after several episodes of vomiting, his mother took him to the pediatrician. Dr. Ed, a family friend, gave him a suppository and sent him home. He came running in the door to me, “Nana, Dr. Ed put something in my hiney and he is going to take it out in 10 days!”. He had had a cut foot sewn up the summer before, and the stitches were removed in 10 days. When Dr. Ed heard about this, he published it in his newsletter that he sends to his patients.