This is my top 20 awful firsts Parents-To-Be should brace themselves for.
- Baby's first blood test. They poke them in the foot with something that looks like a thumb tack. Then they squeeze the boo-boo to get blood out. All my children cried during their first blood tests. I'm not a really violent person, but I seriously wanted to punch the lab tech in the face when he did this to my baby. My advice to you, just breathe and remind yourself they are doing their job. If you can't do this then I suggest passing off the job to the other parent.
- The first time they projectile vomit on you. I'm not talking a little spit up. I am referring to continual spewing. It's akin to a horror movie minus the spinning head. You will be surprised how much comes out of their little body.
- The first time your newborn son pees in your face. Yes, it really does happen. I finally got wise and started covering him up with a wash cloth while changing his diaper.
- Their first cold. This will be when you have to break out the bulb syringe and suction like mad. Goo will be coming out of their noses and you will feel miserable because they feel miserable. Remember to suction, suction, suction. If you don't they will puke on you. See # 2 The first time they projectile vomit on you.
- The first time they bite you while nursing. Teeth or no teeth this still really hurts.
- The first time they spit up on a friend who doesn't have children. I'm convinced this is why some of my friends are still childless. Really, I am so sorry.
- The first time they have massive diaper failure. I call these poo-splosions. They typically occur when you are in a hurry, you have placed them in your favorite little outfit, or have somehow forgotten a change of clothes.
- The first time they pull your hair so hard you want to cry. Babies have amazingly strong grips and when they finally get a hold of something they don't tend to let it go.
- The first time they kill a cell phone. Each of my kids has killed at least one cell phone. The protective case may help you if the baby drops the phone, but it probably won't protect it from baby drool. Oh, and be aware that many insurance programs don't cover drool damage.
- The first time your little girl rips that expensive bow out of her hair. I admit it, I am one of those crazy Moms who puts gigantic bows on my kids head. What I have learned from two baby girls: they can rip an expensive hair bow in two in less than 1 second. You won't even see it coming.
- The first time they throw food on the floor. Sure, it's funny the first time. After a while, however, you start to feel like you are living with a wild animal.
- The first time they empty out a bookcase or toy chest. My babies were all able to do this in about 30 seconds. I have no idea how they could do this so quickly when it took me a good 5 minutes or more to put all the stuff back.
- The first time they attack your cat or dog. There you are trying to get your pet to like your baby when out of nowhere the baby reaches over and places a vice grip on a chunk of the animal's fur and skin.
- The first time they throw a fit when you take something from them. For a while a baby will allow you to take anything from them without so much as a whimper. Then one day they get fed up with you and decide they aren't going to take it anymore. This is the day we officially lose control over our children.
- The First time they poo while bathing in the tub. Only one of my kids has actually done this, but believe me the shock and awe will stay with you forever. It still makes me shudder.
- The First time they put something really gross in their mouth. Babies are like ninjas. They have stealth reflexes. They can grab and lick the bottom of a shoe faster than you can scream "NO!"
- The first time they gag on solid food and throw up all over. Gag reflexes are strong. My advice, don't be in such a hurry to introduce solid foods.
- The first time they say no. No was actually my son's first word. Not Mamma or Dadda, but "no". Yes, I want my children to be independent thinkers. Sure, the ability to say "no" is important. But, did they have to learn to say no to me so quickly?
- The first time you have to leave them with someone else. There will come a time when you have to leave your baby in the care of someone else. I don't care how much you want to get out, or how wonderful the person is that you are leaving them with this simple act will still make you cry. My brother-in-law gave my sister this advice the first time she had to leave my nephew to go back to work, "Get your happy ass in the car and go to work. We need the money."
- The first time they cry because you left them with someone else. For a while they won't notice when you leave them. Then one day they will realize you are leaving them and they will cry. They might even scream and cling to you. You will feel awful the whole time you are out without them. They, however, will be fine anywhere from 30 seconds to 30 minutes after you leave.
Is something missing from my top 20 awful firsts? Be sure to add your favorite worst firsts in the comment section.
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