If Dr. Seuss Had Written the Bible


(Cat in the Hat Laplander Hat now on sale)

On Ask Reddit, redditor monkeyshins asks "If Dr. Suess wrote the bible, what would be your favorite passage of scripture?" What followed were wonderfully funny paraphrases of well-known Bible verses in Dr. Seuss's poetic style. For example, here are the 10 Commandments in Exodus 20:

Don't stabbeth your neighbor with a big pointy knife,
Or covet his buxomous, lustimous wife.
And honor thy parents, they raised you so well,
But don't honor false gods or you'll go straight to hell.
Don't steal from your neighbors, not soft furs nor breads,
Or falsely claim Jacob wears frogs on his head.
Don't cheat on your spouse, for it would be a pain,
To wake up to her screaming my own name in vain.
Remember young Jews, take the sabbath with glee,
But remember, you shall have no other gods before me.

One Fish Two Fish Red Fish Blue Fish becomes Jesus feeding the 5,000 with 5 loaves of bread and 2 fishes in Matthew 14:

One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fi . . . wait. . . Three Fish, Four Fish, Five Fish . . .

Horton Hears a Who becomes the shortest verse in the Bible, John 11:35:

Horton wept.

My favorite is this incredibly artful rewriting of Green Eggs and Ham to reflect Peter denying Jesus 3 times in Luke 22:31-34:

I am Jesus, Jesus-I-Am

That Jesus-I-Am, That Jesus-I-Am, I will not deny that Jesus-I-Am.

Will you deny that Jesus-I-Am? I will not deny that Jesus-I-Am.

Would you deny that Jesus-I-Am? Would you deny him here or there? I would not deny him here or there. I would not deny him anywhere. I would not deny that Jesus-I-Am.

Would you deny him in a house? Would you deny him with a mouse? I would not deny him in a house. I would not deny him with a mouse. I would not deny him here or there. I would not deny him anywhere. I would not deny that Jesus-I-Am.

Would you deny him in a box? Would you deny him with a fox? Not in a box, not with a fox, not in a house, nor with a mouse. I would not deny him here or there. I would not deny him anywhere. I would not deny that Jesus-I-Am.

Would you? Could you? In a car? Deny him, deny him, yes you are! I would not, could not, in a car.

You will deny him, Peter you see, you will deny him times three.

I would not, could not deny him times three. Not in a car, you let me be! I will not deny him in a box, I will not deny him with a fox, I will not deny him in a house, I will not deny him with a mouse. I will not deny him here or there. I will not deny him anywhere. I will not deny that Jesus-I-Am.

...

Peter! If you listen to me You will deny him You will see.

You will deny that Jesus-I-Am You will deny him in a car, you will deny him in a box, you will deny him with a fox, you will not deny him in a house, you will deny him with a mouse. You will deny him here or there. You will deny him anywhere. I will deny that Jesus-I-Am.

I did deny that Jesus-I-Am I did, I did I'm sorry I'm sorry Jesus-I-Am


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