If you have money to flush down the drain, then surely you're not going to sit your bum down on some plebeian toilet. Thankfully, Kohler has got you covered.
Behold the Numi Bidet Toilet. At a mere $6,400 it's a steal:
The Numi does just about everything for you, aside from the stuff that, well, only you can do. Looking something akin to a fancy pop-top waste bin, Numi comes complete with a self-opening and closing lid so you never have to touch the toilet seat; a self-cleaning bidet with adjustable controls for temperature and water pressure; heating elements to keep your toes and tush toasty; an illuminated panel for nighttime rendezvous; a built-in speaker system that connects to a remote docking station to ensure only you know exactly what you're doing in there; and a deodorizing element that sucks air from the bowl through a charcoal filter. Of course, no connected appliance would be complete without a touchscreen, and the Numi's no exception; it has a touch panel remote that you can use to set to your specifications.