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What If The Big Lebowski Had Been Written By William Shakespeare?

Writer Adam Bertocci imagined the movie The Big Lebowski as a play by William Shakespeare entitled The Two Gentlemen of Lebowski. From Act 1, Scene 2:

[The bowling green. Enter THE KNAVE, WALTER and DONALD, to play at ninepins]

WALTER
In sooth, then, faithful friend, this was a rug of value? Thou wouldst call it not a rug among ordinary rugs, but a rug of purpose? A star in a firmament, in step with the fashion alike to the Whitsun morris-dance? A worthy rug, a rug of consequence, sir?

THE KNAVE
It was of consequence, I should think; verily, it tied the room together, gather’d its qualities as the sweet lovers’ spring grass doth the morning dew or the rough scythe the first of autumn harvests. It sat between the four sides of the room, making substance of a square, respecting each wall in equal harmony, in geometer’s cap; a great reckoning in a little room. Verily, it transform’d the room from the space between four walls presented, to the harbour of a man’s monarchy.

WALTER
Indeed, a rug of value; an estimable rug, an honour’d rug; O unhappy rug, that should live to cover such days!

DONALD
Of what dost thou speak, that tied the room together, Knave? Take pains, for I would well hear of that which tied the room together.


Fear not, for the Knave abideth.

Link via Nerdcore | Image: Wikimedia Commons

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Wasn't the Big Lebowski a really crappy movie? I doubt the bard would have touched it.

It uses some of the words, but has none of the spirit of Shakespeare.

Truly, it sucketh.
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Sorry. Very badly done with far too much *wink wink nudge nudge* cribs from other speeches. It captures neither the essence of either original work nor breaks new ground. It's just sophomoric drivel passed on as "comedy".
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