Paypal Wedding: Being Asked to Contribute Cash Irks Some Guests

By Queuebot in Everything Else on Sep 11, 2009 at 3:18 am

Vanessa Caldwell and Cole Parker of Atlanta are still ironing out the last minute details of their wedding, including the choice of dessert as well as table settings. One thing they haven’t had any problems deciding on: who will pay for the wedding.

Vanessa and Cole, both on their second marriages, have set up a website and Paypal account asking for monetary contributions in lieu of the traditional housewares. Traditionalists cry foul.

In light of the current economy, 60% of brides to be surveyed on Brides.com felt it acceptable to set up a cash bar to help with the costs of the wedding. But in the same survey, 80% of respondents felt it was bad form to request cash to help defray wedding costs.

“I don’t care if it’s a tough economy or not, it’s incredibly rude to ask your honored, treasured guests to pay for your party,” said Teresa Duggan, owner of The Etiquette School in Cumming. “It’s like saying, ‘I want you to come to my wedding but please pay for my Cinderella dreams.’”

Some etiquette experts say asking for cash gifts is not rude if done tactfully. But for many, asking guests to pay for the wedding reception itself crosses the line — a little like marrying a guy you just met in Vegas.

From the Upcoming ueue, submitted by Geekazoid.

Tags: cash, weddings

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brett maxwell
Sep 11th, 2009 at 3:25 am
i am a wedding photographer and I have recently begun offering a gift registry so that couples can have friends or relatives help buy prints or albums. i don’t think it’s tacky, it’s better than buying them a toaster they don’t need.
Alex
Sep 11th, 2009 at 3:44 am
This is the silliest thing about Americans: gift cards, which is just like cash but more restrictive are OK, but actual cash isn’t!
Larfin Jackarse
Sep 11th, 2009 at 4:02 am
Well some etho’s pin money to the dress (wedding dress for you smart arses), some do a ‘red pocket’, what’s the diff?. Me niece getting married soon is using an online bridal registry. Same, same but not the same.
B.M.
Sep 11th, 2009 at 4:19 am
How about a trust fund for the ugly divorce. You could even have a separate one for the poor kids psychologists bills.
Good Girl
Sep 11th, 2009 at 4:49 am
When I got married a few years ago, we truly did not need any of the traditional gifts as we pretty much had everything we needed, so we set up a Wishing Well at the reception. People could just drop some cash in there instead of buying us a present. One of the big problems people seemed to have was the fact that when there is cash in a card, the bridal couple know exactly how much was spent. That is the etiquette buster right there. It is extremely bad form to know how much someone spent on your gift. By having annonomous donations, people were happy with it. Some people chose to put presents in there instead, that was fine too. In this day and age, where very few people move in together after they marry, I think it is extremely silly to buy household trappings that they most likely already have, or some gaudy ornament that no-one likes. The best gift anyone can give is to ease the financial stress that a wedding can produce. Help make the event as happy and as it was always meant to be.
Calamity
Sep 11th, 2009 at 4:50 am
My brother is getting married in Feb and has lived with his fiance for a couple of years now. They have everything they need and since they live interstate and I’ve not been to their house before, I don’t want to get something decorative that will clash. I asked my brother if instead of a physical gift I could give him some money towards his honeymoon. He told me that a lot of people had offered him this so he and his soon-to-be arranged with their travel agent to have people be able to do just that. They haven’t put it on the invite but if people ask them what they would like as gifts they mention that although they appreciate anything, the honeymoon option is there.

I personally think it comes down to the gift-giver. I love giving personal presents that mean something, but have no problems with gift-cards/cash. I’d rather a fun night out on me than having my present be stored in a cupboard somewhere. It is a bit tacky to ask people to pay for the actual wedding though.
felixthecat
Sep 11th, 2009 at 5:25 am
Here is a novel idea: have a wedding that you can afford.

Already have “stuff” and looking for cash? A classy person would suggest that guests donate money to a charity. Classless people ask that the money be donated to them.

Class is becoming a rarer and rarer commodity these days.Try it though, and you might actually like it.
Miss Cellania
Sep 11th, 2009 at 6:01 am
At one time, gifts were optional. You never assumed anyone would give you a gift, but people gave them out of love IF they could afford it. When I was young, the bride NEVER mentioned her bridal registry or shower. It was never printed in the paper or included in wedding invitations. Word was spread by friends, or a potential gift-giver asked where the bride was registered. A shower was a party held by the bride’s friends -NEVER a family member, that would be too close to asking for gifts.
Skipweasel
Sep 11th, 2009 at 6:14 am
We’d been living together for years before we got married, so we had quite a bit of “stuff” already. What we asked for, and got, was help with the wedding.

One friend made the bride’s dress, another the bridesmaids’ dressed. One friend did the catering (we bought the ingerdients) and another did the music. The Youth Service lent us the hall for free (we’d helped them a lot over the years) and another friend got up early the next morning to take us to the airport. One friend did the photography, another did the invites, all individually printed. Some people couldn’t help directly so they chipped in for the cake and a few other things.

It was a great day – so many people had a vested interest in making it a success.
Carl
Sep 11th, 2009 at 6:47 am
It’s exceptionally tacky to ask for gifts through paypal when a wedding guest’s role is that of one who comes together with many others to support the new couple. A community. If the wedding were performed online through webcasts, paypal might be appropriate.

I have no problem with them asking for cash instead of ancient spice racks and chafing dishes, but paypal is inappropriate.
felixthecat
Sep 11th, 2009 at 7:25 am
Aww, you aren’t old Miss Cellania. My wife and I planned out our wedding to something we could afford without debt, but still show our guests a pretty good time. Friends arranged the shower, and the registry eas arranged too by a friend.

It is all about respect, both for yourself and others. We hear more about the greed and the temper tantrums nowadays, but there is still some decency out there. The latest wedding invite we have received makes no mention of gifts or a registry. In fact, I cannot imagine anyone I know using a wedding as a greedfest.

Again, plan a wedding that you can afford without going through your guests’s pockets.
SenorMysterioso
Sep 11th, 2009 at 11:14 am
Ive been to a lot of weddings and there is usually some sort of ceremony or tradition that involved giving money to the couple. Ive seen money trees, wishing wells, money dances and the bride being jokingly kidnapped and held for ransom. Ive also seen baskets of envelopes and cards stuffed with cash. In every case the couple never asked for it, the guests just know or someone in the wedding party starts it off. The money was to help the couple start their lives together, not to pay for the wedding.

While theyre being practical, I think this couple is bordering on rudeness. They’re basically throwing a party and asking the guests to pay for it.
nihil
Sep 11th, 2009 at 11:27 am
This just goes to prove that this couple isn’t focusing on the real reason for getting married (just like a lot of Americans.) They’re obviously more concerned about having a big fancy party then celebrating their love for one another. I thought weddings were supposed to be about two people that love each other and want to share their life together and share this with their friends and family. I must be old fashioned eh? (I’m 26 btw.) When my husband and I got married in January 2006 we had nice church ceremony, 120 people, a nice dinner, no dj, no booze and no lavish, unaffordable, over the top anything that we did not want, or could not afford. For weeks after everyone who came to the wedding and reception could not stop talking about how wonderful everything was and how nice it was to have a more family oriented reception that wasn’t populated with drunks. My point being, what is wrong with just having a small wedding and celebrating in your means? I just don’t get it.
LisaL
Sep 11th, 2009 at 12:07 pm
Giving money as a gift is one thing. Asking for money to actually PAY for the ceremony or the party afterwards is tacky IMO.
Why should guests have to pay for the day that someone else wants??
THEY didn’t tell the bride/groom to have some big fancy wedding. I’m sure they would be just as happy to go to a smaller one.

Just tacky tacky tacky.
OddNumber
Sep 11th, 2009 at 12:27 pm
I’m at T – 36 days to my wedding and I have found that everyone has a different concept of etiquette. We would prefer not to offer alcohol, but felt cheap offering a cash bar only. So we compromised. We are doing complementary wine while we finish our photos and a cash bar during dinner. We weren’t going to do a bar option at all during dinner, but it is free for us to have the option there for our guests.

We also did not include our registries in our invitations or save the date. That kinda rubs me the wrong way. However, we did include a link to a website we set up with photo albums of us, details on the wedding and reception locations, and blurbs about how we met and the wedding party. We included links to the registries here, which works well because there is probably a high correlation between those who care to look through the site details and those who care to give a gift.
Miss Cellania
Sep 11th, 2009 at 12:31 pm
We wondered about alcohol at our wedding a couple of months ago. I had a bottle of wine I was willing to open, but since half the attendees were underage, I just skipped it.
Anthony C
Sep 11th, 2009 at 1:22 pm
Every time I see things like this I’m surprised. In every wedding I’ve been to, you give gifts for the engagement and at the shower (from the registry, if applicable). By the time the wedding comes around, those are picked clean, but even if they aren’t, you give money. Most of the weddings I’ve been too don’t even have a place for gifts, only envelopes.
Courageous Grace
Sep 11th, 2009 at 2:07 pm
My wedding five years ago was fairly inexpensive and did not put us in debt. It was held in our church (no cost to us), my MIL paid for my dress, flowers, and photographer, we paid the church $50 to use the parish hall for the reception. No alcohol, no dj, a friend from church provided catering, the cake was made by a local mom and pop bakery. We would tell people where we were registered if they asked, but didn’t push it on anyone.

The best gifts we received were handmade personalized gifts, and the presence of my family from across the country (I paid their plane tickets out of pocket).

To this day all of our friends say our wedding was the most memorable and fun wedding they’ve ever been in or to.

Simple = better.
Skipweasel
Sep 11th, 2009 at 3:18 pm
Anthony C – in the UK I’ve never seen a place for envelopes – just presents.
Chrissy C
Sep 12th, 2009 at 9:37 am
Don’t Judge your Bride and Groom. I give money anyway. If it helps them in any way then I have given a gift that is appropriate. Come on Ladies and Gents. What crime is it to help a loved one to have her dream. Unless you aren’t a friend or loved one, you decide. Are you willing to be Judge and Jury and find your loved one guilty of having a dream that she obviously just wants to be able to share with you. look you will give a gift anyway as should be. But you won’t support your friends/loved one? If you were going to spend 20.00 on a gift that they don’t need. Whats the difference. You have saved them the time and gas money it would take to return it and they get to enjoy their big beautiful dream wedding with you…the gift that matters most. Snap out of it People! It is now 2009 and anything goes. The only thing that I find unacceptable here is the quick willingness of people to Judge. It is not our God given right. Give the gift, Go to the Wedding, Enjoy what you have given along with your Loved ones and relish in the feeling that you made a girls dream come true. dreams are hard to come by these days and what better gift. God bless this Couple. From a stranger who couldn’t afford a single dream.
Amelia
Sep 12th, 2009 at 10:16 am
In the chinese culture, ‘wedding gifts’ are always in the form of cash in red envelopes. They are considered as a blessing to the couple who is getting married. It is no secret that every couple hopes to collect enough ‘blessings’ to cover the cost. The bottom line is, cash is a much more practical gift to give the couple as you know they will definitely need it. Why be remembered as the guest who gave the vase that doesn’t match when you can be remembered as the guest who helped make their honeymoon less painful to pay for?
notforme
Sep 12th, 2009 at 5:57 pm
if people choose to give money as a gift, i’m sure the couple would be just as happy, but to outright ask to help contribute for the wedding, very tacky. in my grandparent’s country they ask people to be ‘godparents’for the cake, dress,rings,music, etc. very low class. when i was getting married, my future sister in law asked, after we asked her to be in our wedding, ‘what do you want me to be godparent of?’
i said ‘nothing, nevermind, i have changed my mind, you’re out. i find that insulting of you. we wanted you in our wedding, to be a part of our special day, that was not the reason i asked you. bye.
Elizabeth
Sep 13th, 2009 at 4:11 pm
If guests did not ask to be invited, then why should they be asked to pay just so the couple can have a lavish wedding? For that, I can go out to an elegant restaurant of my choice.

If the couple cannot afford a lavish wedding party, then they should either opt for something affordable, or save up. Guests are the ones they chose to invite. It’s like telling them, if you want to come, you have to pay.

I would however give a giftcard so they can buy what they need but that’s my choice.

If anyone ever invited me but told me I had to pay, I would definitely decline and just wish the couple well.
Barb
Sep 13th, 2009 at 11:19 pm
To give gifts of money because you want to do that – fine with me. To actively solicit money is tacky but to project the names of all your “contributors” on a wall at the reception? Ouch.

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