The Old Testament Ways to Get a Wife

• cherishimo
  April 7th, 2008 at 9:04 pm

  No. 5 is how I met my husband. And No. 1 is how he met his first wife. Remarkably, lady P.O.W.s aren’t as attractive when you shave their heads.

• Guyon
  April 7th, 2008 at 10:12 pm

  Well, in #3 he also saved their lives from thieves.

• bean
  April 7th, 2008 at 10:44 pm

  #2 can’t possibly be right. Everyone knows you can’t turn a ho into a housewife.

• Barbwire
  April 7th, 2008 at 11:01 pm

  Where are those Biblical literalists when yu need them?

• the robot child
  April 7th, 2008 at 11:11 pm

  Oh if only things were still done this way, it’d leave a lot less drama.

• TT
  April 8th, 2008 at 1:15 am

  You can’t expect much more from a bunch of cheating, scummy Christians who believe in some douche named god. Typical stuff, really. Just a bunch of thieves. Why do you think Europeans needed to rape and pillage the planet? Cos they read this sort of crap every week in church.

• avist
  April 8th, 2008 at 1:19 am

  Hmm, I gotta try these out sometime. Number 4 is by far the easiest…

• su.wei
  April 8th, 2008 at 2:41 am

  haha biblical pick up tips…

• Rosi
  April 8th, 2008 at 4:06 am

  You missed off “Kill an entire population except for the virgins, then take them for yourselves” (Numbers 31: 1-54)
  Also “Rape a woman then pay her father fifty shekels” (Deutoronomy 22:28-29)

  I think the Old Testament of the Bible is pretty far-fetched, but that doesn’t mean that the whole of the Christian religion should be undermined. For a start, it was written thousands of years ago when things like this would have been more acceptable. Secondly, it’s written by men, who have a tendency to exaggerate things to make a better story. And lastly, the New Testament is completely different to this and generally has a good message, and that’s what most Christians follow today.
  I wouldn’t call myself a Christian, but I think that Christianity has some good values if you take the whole thing with a pinch of salt.

• SenorMysterioso
  April 8th, 2008 at 5:32 am

  lol #9

• NiteWhite
  April 8th, 2008 at 8:20 am

  The New Testament says to follow the Old Testament. That means, should you ever want to sell your daughter as a sex slave, consult your favorite Bible.

• Another Jake
  April 8th, 2008 at 9:42 am

  All a post like this does is prompt anti-Christian hate speech and warping of scripture meaning. The 2.1 billion Christians of the world would be appreciative if you would not so blatantly smear our faith, thanks.

• Justin
  April 8th, 2008 at 9:48 am

  Wow TT, the old testament was written before Christianity was even around. I’m not particularly religious but I can’t stand it when atheist spew their contempt for anything Christianity all over the internet. This was a humorous piece to highlight the very different ways that Jewish people as well as many other cultures treated women (as property) and marriage in the times of the Old Testament.

• NiteWhite
  April 8th, 2008 at 10:09 am

  @ Justin
  The great thing about perspective is people are allowed to have their own unique take on something. There are legions of people in America and the rest of the world that react strongly to Old Testament like TT and I do.

  Richard Dawkins (Biology Prof at Oxford) summed it up well - “The God of the Old Testament is arguably the most unpleasant character in all fiction: jealous and proud of it; a petty, unjust, unforgiving control-freak; a vindictive, bloodthirsty ethnic cleanser; a misogynistic, homophobic, racist, infanticidal, genocidal, filicidal, pestilential, megalomaniacal, sadomasochistic, capriciously malevolent bully.”

  People still read the OT and live by it. It’s in no way ‘old business’, and it continues to do tremendous harm to many people. This article only displays the religious underpinnings of the so-called ‘Holy Bible’.

• Tom
  April 8th, 2008 at 10:18 am

  I firmly believe that the Bible was written 1/10th by Jesus and those faithful to him, and 9/10ths by Satan and those faithful to him.

  I mean come on, there’s some pretty vile stuff happening in there, and it has caused a lot of vile things to happen in the world. It also has just enough truth and good messages to sway people to believe in it, which makes it extremely dangerous.

• fsmarch
  April 8th, 2008 at 11:21 am

  I agree with Another Jake.

  Let him that is without sin cast the first stone.

• homebrewhokie
  April 8th, 2008 at 11:48 am

  yeah some of the comments give those that dont like christianity a bad name. you are only fueling the fire. i agree that a lot of christians are good people but to say they only follow the NT is BS. you cant imagine how many times they quote Leviticus to tell me who I am not allowed to be in love with…yet this is the same book that lays down the laws that the jewish people follow (and many more outlandish laws they they dont anymore) and that the christians ignore. what gets me the most is when christians act as sheep and read and believe only what they are told to. most atheists know far more about the bible than the average christian does

• someguy
  April 8th, 2008 at 12:27 pm

  I am a Christian, and I freely admit I do not understand everything about the Old Testament (or the New one for that matter). First of all, Paul gave those outside Israel (non-Jews) what was kind of a cliff’s notes version of the OT Law that should be followed for believers, including things like no fornication. Most Christians agree with him that the OT law is not in any way a requirement for salvation, but was more of a foreshadowing for Christ.

  I’m not a scholar (and this is horribly over-simplifying it), but it’s basically that the OT is not really important anymore when compared to Christ.

  There are explanations for most of the wierd OT stuff too. I understand very few of them.

• Knothead
  April 8th, 2008 at 1:36 pm

  Marry a girl when she’s six years old and consummate it when she’s 9 - Mo.

• CheeseDuck
  April 8th, 2008 at 2:50 pm

  That is messed up.

• John
  April 8th, 2008 at 3:03 pm

  I like #14. I think that I’ll mention it to my wife and see if she’s cool with it.

• Thomas
  April 8th, 2008 at 4:43 pm

  @Another Jake — I don’t see any anti-Christian hate speech here. I see people engaged in a lighthearted conversation about biblical examples of the sanctity of marriage. No one is suggesting that as a Christian you should go out and steal a wife at at party, or that it’s common place. Also, a hyper-defensive attitude does nothing to convince nonbelievers of your moral high ground.

• ted
  April 8th, 2008 at 7:15 pm

  I disagree, Thomas. TT was pretty over the top. And NiteWhite is wrong, as usual.

  The New Testament does not say to “follow the Old Testament”. For example, Jesus says “I give you a new commandment: to love each other as I have loved you”.

  Some passages in the New Testament reject Old Testament customs, and you can’t seriously say that the New Testament advocates turning your daughter into a prostitute.

  The examples given here are stories similar to the stories in many other cultures - the Roman “Rape of the Sabine Women”, for example. They may be based on actual events, but they are certainly not methods that modern Christians are advocating. To slag the church based on this just indicates your own prejudice against the church.

• Thomas
  April 8th, 2008 at 8:26 pm

  my bad, didn’t see TT’s post. But on the whole, people are being respectful. just not that guy.

• NiteWhite
  April 9th, 2008 at 10:40 am

  @ Ted,
  Let me educate you, my son. Here are ’some’ of the passages in the NT that say to follow the OT.

  First, why include the Tanakh (”Old” Testament) in your Bible if Christians are not to study and follow what it says?

  Matthew 5:17 ‘Do not suppose that I came to throw down the law or the prophets—I did not come to throw down, but to fulfil;
  18 for, verily I say to you, till that the heaven and the earth may pass away, one iota or one tittle may not pass away from the law, till that all may come to pass.
  19 ‘Whoever therefore may loose one of these commands—the least—and may teach men so, least he shall be called in the reign of the heavens, but whoever may do and may teach them, he shall be called great in the reign of the heavens. (BBE)

  Matthew 19:17 And he said unto him, Why callest thou me good? there is none good but one, that is, God: but if thou wilt enter into life, keep the commandments. (Kjv)

  John 14:15 If ye love me, keep my commandments.

  John 15:10 If ye keep my commandments, ye shall abide in my love; even as I have kept my Father’s commandments, and abide in his love.

  1Corinthians 7:19 Circumcision is nothing, and uncircumcision is nothing, but the keeping of the commandments of God.

  1John 5:2 By this we know that we love the children of God, when we love God, and keep his commandments. 3 For this is the love of God, that we keep his commandments: and his commandments are not grievous.

  1Jonn 2:3 And hereby we do know that we know him, if we keep his commandments.
  4 He that saith, I know him, and keepeth not his commandments, is a liar, and the truth is not in him.

  Revelation 12:17 And the dragon was wroth with the woman, and went to make war with the remnant of her seed, which keep the commandments of God, and have the testimony of Jesus Christ…..14:12 Here is the patience of the saints: here are they that keep the commandments of God, and the faith of Jesus….22:14 Blessed are they that do his commandments, that they may have right to the tree of life, and may enter in through the gates into the city. (KJV)

  2 Timothy 3:14 But *thou*, abide in those things which thou hast learned, and of which thou hast been fully persuaded, knowing of whom thou hast learned them;
  15 and that from a child thou hast known the sacred letters, which are able to make thee wise unto salvation, through faith which is in Christ Jesus. 16 Every scripture is divinely inspired, and profitable for teaching, for conviction, for correction, for instruction in righteousness; 17 that the man of God may be complete, fully fitted to every good work. (Darby)

  Ted, I suggest you pick up your Bible and actually read it, instead of ’slagging’ non-believers, which only indicates *your* own prejudice against the non-Christians. Have a great day!

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