ZOMG! Archaelogists Found Evidence of Zombie Attack in Ancient Egypt!

Zombie attacks are a very, very serious matter. So it’s only right that the Archaeology, a publication of the always serious Archaeological Institute of America, delved into the evidence of a zombie attack, caused by the Solanum virus, in 3000 BC Egypt:

… in 1892, a British dig at Hierakonpolis unearthed a nondescript tomb containing a partially decomposed body, whose brain had been infected with the virus (Solanum) that turns people into zombies. In addition, thousands of scratch marks adorned every surface of the tomb, as if the corpse had tried to claw its way out!

The intrepid archaeologists posited that these zombie attacks were caused by a viral culprit:

The idea that zombies are supernatural beings needs to be discarded. They are not the Spawn of Hell, although, they certainly look the part. They are, or were, people who were infected by the Solanum virus. The virus creates a zombie by eating away the frontal lobe of the brain for replication, thus destroying it. The virus mutates the brain and allows the brain to remain alive but dormant and without the need for oxygen. Once the mutation is complete, approximately 23 hours from infection to fully functioning zombie, the ghoul will be on the unending search for living human flesh, thus spreading the infection (Brooks 2003: 2).

And zombies weren’t confined only to ancient Egypt - if you look closely, there are other archaeological evidence that the undead were humanity’s oldest struggle:

Were any ancient cultures particularly successful in containing zombie outbreaks?

The Roman Empire was very efficient at dealing with the living dead. The fact that they referred to their zombie containment tactics simply as "XXXVII" shows how practical their legions were when dealing with a zombie outbreak.

The article ends with an ominous warning: "This may seem absurd, but you won’t think its funny when you are feasting on the corpses of your friends and fellow researchers, in fact, you won’t be thinking at all." Link - Thanks Lemons!